This is My Hometown…My Hometown…

In the past couple of days, I’ve been enamored with my hometown.

The following items were taken from a three day sampling of the Polce Beat from the local paper. For those of you who don’t live here, this is not an unusual three days, just a random three days. It was not a full moon and it could have been any given three day span.

Ronald Skye MacDonald, 32, 6000 block of Landlover Terrace, North Port. Charges: introduction of contraband into jail, possession of mathamphetamine and possession of drug paraphernalia. Bond: $8,500.

This one works for me on so many levels. First and foremost, how do you name your child Ronald McDonald?

Is it any wonder he's into the drugs?

How did they NOT search him going into the jail, what with the red suspenders and clown makeup?

Was he hiding the drugs in his big red shoes?

Is he now sharing a cell with the Hamburglar?

Did his mug shot have a grimace?

Was he arrested by Big Mac and sentenced in front of Mayor McCheese?

What is MATHamphetamines? Do they help you add and subtract? Was he dealing in fractions of grams? Did he also get busted for distribution because he was trying to DIVIDE up the MATHamphetamines?

Paraphernalia? isn't that a leafy green plant?

Sorry to go off on such a tangent (pun intended).

This next one is just a partial to one of the items. The whole story was way to long and detailed and the excerpt is funnier on its own.

All three teenagers told deputies they went into the home and said Egbert defecated on the floor, according to the report. Egbert and Gramlin-Jordan squirted the chocolate syrup and Gramlin-Jordan said he created the holes in the walls. Ortiz said he sprayed the beer

Do I really need to add to this?

My question… who walks around town carrying beer and chocolate syrup looking for a house to defecate in?

I love that I sent this story to one of my best friends and she had the same initial response as I did… “what a waste of beer”! That’s why I love you Chuckles!

A 14-year-old girl was released to her mother after being charged with battery on a law enforcement officer and resisting arrest with violence.
According to a report by the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office, the girl created a disturbance as she tried to leave her Port Charlotte house at 3:55 p.m. on Sunday.
As Deputy Paul Underwood tried to tell her she could not leave the house without her mother's permission, the girl shouted obscenities and slapped the officer's hand as he tried to stop her from walking by.
Underwood then grabbed her right arm in an attempt to escort her back to the home, but she pulled away from the officer. He then placed her in handcuffs, which was when the girl kicked him in his right leg.
As he tried to bring her to his patrol car, the girl then thrashed her body around in an attempt to break away and continued kicking the officer.
Once in the car, she kicked the cage separating her from Underwood and spit on the deputy's windows.
After making contact with a juvenile detention facility in Fort Myers, it was decided that the girl should be released to her mother and placed on a 21-day home detention.

This one was sad from the beginning, but at the end it made me laugh. Ummm… wasn’t the whole reason for calling the cops because the teenager would not stay in the house? Why would you sentence her to HOME detention? Honestly…released to her mother who she assaulted to home release where she was trying to leave. My Karnack the Magnificent prediction is that there will be a part 2 to this story.

A Port Charlotte woman was arrested Monday after allegedly participating in two undercover narcotics sales orchestrated by the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office. Lorna Elizabeth "Biker Chic" Turner, 30, 100 block of Dartmouth Drive, was charged with sale of a noncontrolled substance in lieu of a controlled substance for an incident in which a confidential informant received wax instead of crack, a CCSO report said. Turner was also charged with sale and delivery of crack cocaine, possession of cocaine and no valid driver's license.

Is it Biker Chick or Biker Chic or Biker Sheik? Was she well dressed? Is wax crack the new “designer” drug? Does she get points in her advantage for taking the time to craft crack out of wax? Can she say it was just a candle? Only a cop would buy wax crack. No self respecting crackhead in town would by wax crack unless they wanted to put it next to the wax fruit on the kitchen table.

No arrest for Paraffin-alia?

A man was trespassed from the Celtic Ray Irish Pub on the eve of St. Patrick's Day because he was allegedly walking up to customers and asking if they were "warriors," a Punta Gorda Police Department report said.
The intoxicated 39-year-old was not arrested, but was barred from returning to the bar for one year, the report said. The man told the police officer he understood, the report said, then chucked his copy of the trespass warning into a Dumpster while he waited for his wife to pick him up. His wife was summoned because he didn't have enough money for a cab, the report said.

I don’t even know where to begin with this jewel. “On the eve of St. Patrick’s Day?” or as we here in town liked to call it…Sunday. Did the fact that it was the day before St. Patrick’s Day have ANYTHING to do with this genius’s actions?
Did the policeman actually use the word “chucked” in his official report?
Why is Dumpster capitalized? Is it a deity or the name of a new bar in town? “I’m going to hang out at the Dumpster”… Homeless Monthly gave it four stars. Would the trash recepticle out back of Dumpster be pink and called the Paris Hilton or white and called the Britany Spears (white trash...duh)?
Last but not least…
This rocket surgeon doesn’t have money for a cab, yet his wife will come and pick his drunk ass up. My question is obvious…

Who would marry this man?

‘Box and I can’t get dates and we’re superheroes. Maybe if we were “warriors” we’d score.