Deadlines

I definitely have to preface this blog by saying, if you’re not a fan of the Dead, you won’t understand. Hopefully you’ll trust me enough to read it anyway and maybe I can introduce you to something wonderful.

I can’t figure out whether ‘Box is gonna like this one or not? It’s more insightful than funny, and he rarely likes that, when there’s more fun to be had laughing… however he IS a Dead fan too.


I’ve been in a sort of a funk lately and, since music plays a very large part of my being, I decided to put together a CD of my favorite Dead tunes. They tend to level me out and make me turn inward. I’ve been a fan of the Dead since college and being in the printing business for 20 years it was mandatory to have at least a working knowledge of the Dead.

Recently, since hanging with ‘Box, I’ve rekindled my desire to actually listen to them more. I’ve been a Pink Floyd fan for 20 years as well, and both bands have many things in common. Having heard them for so many years, I’ve taken to just singing along and not actually listening to what they are saying. The other day I saw a wonderful documentary on the making of Dark Side of the Moon and it really got me thinking about the power of music and truly what works of art some pieces are. Like literature if you take the time to think about the image some lyrics create, it will make you understand that music is our generation’s legacy. Generations in the past had painters, novelists, and poets.

I believe our era will contribute music. God Bless Apple for the iPod and Limewire and Napster for giving the masses the ability to hear music that they would never spend money to purchase. Screw Metallica for wanting their royalties.

Did Michelangelo bitch about money?

I think it’s amazing to be able to have music at my fingertips.

A good friend of mine took to giving homemade compilation CD’s as gifts and I thought it was a wonderful idea, especially if you are a person who appreciates music in all genres. I’m lucky enough to appreciate a wide range (maybe that’s the ADD). My museum of music would have many wings. Maybe it’s the luck I’ve had in making friends with so much diversity? My museum would have Rap and Jazz, “chick” music and heavy metal, old rock and new wave, punk and country, blues and garage bands. I’ve always said that the only thing that separates my life from a movie is the lack of a soundtrack that everyone can hear. There has always been one playing in my head.

How’s that for an invention. Everyone has an iPod implanted that they can load with everything they like. Dependent on your mood, a small set of speakers plays your soundtrack audible to only you and those around you at a background level. My only requirement would be that you could not choose which song it was… that would have to occur subliminally.

Okay, the gist of this blog was supposed to be about my favorite Dead lyrics.

When I was just getting out of high school, my roommate and best friend at the time and I decided to compile a journal of lyrics and movie lines that we deemed as pertinent to our lives. Every time we heard something that was memorable, one of the two of us would write it in The Book. We wrote mostly when we had hoisted a few and, after several years, had pretty much filled it with meaningful words…well meaningful to us. I think the best part was remembering the time and place each was written. It was our scrapbook of memories set to a soundtrack.

Long story short…..

his dog ate it.

See ‘Box, there’s some funny.

About four years ago, I started a new book. Very few have seen it and it contains some of my thoughts and feelings as well as lyrics and movie lines. I don’t write in it often enough. Lately I’ve been thinking of branching off to a second book, mainly because there are way too many Family Guy, South Park, and Robot Chicken references to include! Imagine a book of funny to go with the book of reality.

Back to the Dead lines…

Like Floyd, I’d spent years singing along with Dead songs, sometimes getting the lyrics correct and sometimes just making up what I thought was right. Because of myspace and lyric search, I can now actually get the words correct and think about their meaning and the image they create. I feel like I’ve been missing so much about the Dead. It seems every week my favorite Dead song changes as I learn more.

Here are just a few:

Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow

Reach out your hand if your cup be empty
If your cup is full may it be again

(from Ripple)

I used the last line in an article once which I entitled Ripple in Still Water which applies to some of my favorite bartenders, who serve over and above the call of duty. ‘Box and I discussed it at length whether anyone actually knew what it was from. The image the beginning line creates in my inner vision is very powerful. To me it signifies the image of turmoil with no apparent external reason.



I could go deeper but again… attention span and space limitations…



Aren’t these powerful images?

Just like New York City
Just like Jericho
Pace the halls and climb the walls
And get out when they blow

(from Ramble on Rose) before 9/11

Think about it.



Just a box of rain, wind and water
Believe it if you need it, if you don't just pass it on
Sun and shower, wind and rain
In and out the window like a moth before a flame

And it's just a box of rain, I don't know who put it there
Believe it if you need it or leave it if you dare
And it's just a box of rain, or a ribbon for your hair
Such a long, long time to be gone and a short time to be there

(from Box of Rain)

My version of religion?





Well I ain't often right but I've never been wrong
It seldom turns out the way it does in the song
Once in a while you get shown the light
In the strangest of places if you look at it right

(from Scarlet Begonias)

God playing with me?




Sometimes the lights all shining on me
Other times I can barely see
Lately it occurs to me
What a long strange trip it's been

(from Truckin’)

Revelations?




Goodbye Mama and Papa
Goodbye Jack and Jill
The grass ain't greener, the wine ain't sweeter
Either side of the hill

(from Ramble On Rose)



And last but not least….my requirements for a partner…


I need a woman 'bout twice my age
A lady of nobility, gentility and rage
A splendour in the dark, lightning on the draw
Who'll go right through the book and break each and every law

I got a feelin'
And it won't go away, oh no
Just one thing and I'll be OK
I need a miracle every day

I need a woman 'bout twice my height
Statuesque, raven-tressed, a goddess of the night
A secret incantation, candle burning blue
We'll consult the spirits, maybe they'll know what to do

And it's real
And it won't go away, oh no
Can't get around and I can't run away
I need a miracle every day

I need a woman 'bout twice my weight
A ton of fun who packs a gun with all that other freight
Find her in a side-show, leave her in LA
Ride her like a surfer riding on a tidal wave

And it's real
Believe what I say
Just one thing that I gotta say
I need a miracle very day

It takes dynamite to get me up
Too much of everything is just enough
One more thing that I gotta say
I need a miracle every day.


I could have gone on for at least another thousand words with at least another dozen Dead songs. Ask me for my CD and let’s discuss?

‘Box already knows the words.

This is My Hometown…My Hometown…

In the past couple of days, I’ve been enamored with my hometown.

The following items were taken from a three day sampling of the Polce Beat from the local paper. For those of you who don’t live here, this is not an unusual three days, just a random three days. It was not a full moon and it could have been any given three day span.

Ronald Skye MacDonald, 32, 6000 block of Landlover Terrace, North Port. Charges: introduction of contraband into jail, possession of mathamphetamine and possession of drug paraphernalia. Bond: $8,500.

This one works for me on so many levels. First and foremost, how do you name your child Ronald McDonald?

Is it any wonder he's into the drugs?

How did they NOT search him going into the jail, what with the red suspenders and clown makeup?

Was he hiding the drugs in his big red shoes?

Is he now sharing a cell with the Hamburglar?

Did his mug shot have a grimace?

Was he arrested by Big Mac and sentenced in front of Mayor McCheese?

What is MATHamphetamines? Do they help you add and subtract? Was he dealing in fractions of grams? Did he also get busted for distribution because he was trying to DIVIDE up the MATHamphetamines?

Paraphernalia? isn't that a leafy green plant?

Sorry to go off on such a tangent (pun intended).

This next one is just a partial to one of the items. The whole story was way to long and detailed and the excerpt is funnier on its own.

All three teenagers told deputies they went into the home and said Egbert defecated on the floor, according to the report. Egbert and Gramlin-Jordan squirted the chocolate syrup and Gramlin-Jordan said he created the holes in the walls. Ortiz said he sprayed the beer

Do I really need to add to this?

My question… who walks around town carrying beer and chocolate syrup looking for a house to defecate in?

I love that I sent this story to one of my best friends and she had the same initial response as I did… “what a waste of beer”! That’s why I love you Chuckles!

A 14-year-old girl was released to her mother after being charged with battery on a law enforcement officer and resisting arrest with violence.
According to a report by the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office, the girl created a disturbance as she tried to leave her Port Charlotte house at 3:55 p.m. on Sunday.
As Deputy Paul Underwood tried to tell her she could not leave the house without her mother's permission, the girl shouted obscenities and slapped the officer's hand as he tried to stop her from walking by.
Underwood then grabbed her right arm in an attempt to escort her back to the home, but she pulled away from the officer. He then placed her in handcuffs, which was when the girl kicked him in his right leg.
As he tried to bring her to his patrol car, the girl then thrashed her body around in an attempt to break away and continued kicking the officer.
Once in the car, she kicked the cage separating her from Underwood and spit on the deputy's windows.
After making contact with a juvenile detention facility in Fort Myers, it was decided that the girl should be released to her mother and placed on a 21-day home detention.

This one was sad from the beginning, but at the end it made me laugh. Ummm… wasn’t the whole reason for calling the cops because the teenager would not stay in the house? Why would you sentence her to HOME detention? Honestly…released to her mother who she assaulted to home release where she was trying to leave. My Karnack the Magnificent prediction is that there will be a part 2 to this story.

A Port Charlotte woman was arrested Monday after allegedly participating in two undercover narcotics sales orchestrated by the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office. Lorna Elizabeth "Biker Chic" Turner, 30, 100 block of Dartmouth Drive, was charged with sale of a noncontrolled substance in lieu of a controlled substance for an incident in which a confidential informant received wax instead of crack, a CCSO report said. Turner was also charged with sale and delivery of crack cocaine, possession of cocaine and no valid driver's license.

Is it Biker Chick or Biker Chic or Biker Sheik? Was she well dressed? Is wax crack the new “designer” drug? Does she get points in her advantage for taking the time to craft crack out of wax? Can she say it was just a candle? Only a cop would buy wax crack. No self respecting crackhead in town would by wax crack unless they wanted to put it next to the wax fruit on the kitchen table.

No arrest for Paraffin-alia?

A man was trespassed from the Celtic Ray Irish Pub on the eve of St. Patrick's Day because he was allegedly walking up to customers and asking if they were "warriors," a Punta Gorda Police Department report said.
The intoxicated 39-year-old was not arrested, but was barred from returning to the bar for one year, the report said. The man told the police officer he understood, the report said, then chucked his copy of the trespass warning into a Dumpster while he waited for his wife to pick him up. His wife was summoned because he didn't have enough money for a cab, the report said.

I don’t even know where to begin with this jewel. “On the eve of St. Patrick’s Day?” or as we here in town liked to call it…Sunday. Did the fact that it was the day before St. Patrick’s Day have ANYTHING to do with this genius’s actions?
Did the policeman actually use the word “chucked” in his official report?
Why is Dumpster capitalized? Is it a deity or the name of a new bar in town? “I’m going to hang out at the Dumpster”… Homeless Monthly gave it four stars. Would the trash recepticle out back of Dumpster be pink and called the Paris Hilton or white and called the Britany Spears (white trash...duh)?
Last but not least…
This rocket surgeon doesn’t have money for a cab, yet his wife will come and pick his drunk ass up. My question is obvious…

Who would marry this man?

‘Box and I can’t get dates and we’re superheroes. Maybe if we were “warriors” we’d score.

Our Special Room in Hell

‘Box and I already know where we are spending the afterlife. It’s a given. We both moved to southwest Florida to prepare. Why else would two fat guys go where it’s hot? I don’t have AC so that when I get there I can make the devil my bitch by complaining that it’s too cold.

“Ummm… Satan… can I have a sweater?”

Lately though, it seems we are on a mission to get our own room in Hell.

Yesterday we pulled one that even I was in awe of.

It seems M&M is training a new part time bartender. ‘Box and I decided that we would pull a practical joke on her. We stopped in for happy hour and set it all up. M&M prefaced the new gal to meet me by letting her know that I was deaf. (I am a little hard of hearing but not deaf yet… deft… absolutely) We got introduced as regulars and Big Mike “signed” me all the necessary info.

My new name was Doug.

Several other regulars at the bar played along. They may be stopping in at our private suite in Hades as well.

Is this wrong yet?

We had a little conversation, enough that she should remember me.

‘Box and I said our farewells and left M&M to sing our praises. Of course we headed to a different watering hole to tell our story of deviousness to others as we are proud of our slot in hell.

Quitney aka Triple Nipple just shook her head as she’s heard way too many of our schemes. Mouse and Spouse, our newest superheros in training, both loved the newest adventure…

RayRay, who may just be our afterlife roomie wasn’t working.

After an hour to change, shave, switch glasses and become a new person, ‘Box and I went back to the bar to re-introduce me as my identical twin brother Dave… who can hear perfectly. We told the new gal that Doug thought she was cute and wanted to ask her out. It’s a pity she’s married or the joke would go so much further.

I won about four bucks off ‘Box and M&M because they didn’t think I would go through with it. We are now betting on how long I can pull it off….

If you want in on it, the over/under is 6 months.

Take the over!

Next week she gets to meet our younger brother Steve...

who is blind.

After that it'll be our sister Cindy.

While we’re going down the path…here’s some more non pc drinks…

The Lindsey Lohan… a red headed slut with a shot of Coke.

The Iraq/Canadian/Irish car bomb… an Irish car bomb with a shot of tanker-eh?

The Nicole Brown… Maker’s Mark with OJ, a Schlitz, tomato juice and a slice of everything.

A Mick Jagger…. A Rolling Rock with Pucker

A Tonya Harding…. Canadian Club on ice

An Anna Nicole Smith…. Absolute Pear with a Valium

A John Belushi… A dead Guy Ale and BluesBerry Schnapps

Natalie Wood… Absolute Kurrant and a lifesaver

A Gynecologist… A Pabst and Smirnoff

Long Island Mr T… a regular iced tea with Goldschlager, Cuervo Gold and a Molsen Golden Ale.

A Mormon Popeye… Three Olives Vodka and a spinach leaf

Michael Jackson…. White Crème de Cacao in a sippy cup

A Pimpin’ Toby Keith… Whiskey (for my men) and beer (for my whoreses)

I’ll end now with a couple of beautiful stories…

Someone please tell me, is it just me? I swear this stuff doesn’t happen to normal people.

Story 1)

After a lengthy Parrothead club meeting, surrounded by beautiful GNO gals all night, the bartender sends me over a drink, bought by a group of gals across the way. The drink contains a business card. The card is for the Chrome Divas, a local Harley group of all women. We peppered the bartender to see which one actually sent the drink, since there were four of them and finally surmised our victim. I sent Jill (name not changed…not innocent) over to find out the story. I have to interject that Jill runs parties for adult toys and wanted to get in on the prospect.

So Jill bops over to explain that the guy they were sending the drink to was single but sitting with those two lovely women because one was his sister (WonderTwin) and the other was her friend (Jill…name not changed…blah blah innocent).

The women were confused….



The drink was for the guy sitting behind me.


In the Fungus dictionary see Ego Deflation. See also Erectile Dysfunction.

Story 2)

Not as funny… but funny to me.

Bowling alley…

I repeat…

BOWLING ALLEY…

Just turned 21.

Military ID.

Birthday was 3 days ago.

Orders a Glenfiddich.

I reiterate….

Bowling Alley.

Proceeds to get pissed off because the Alley has no single malt scotches.

Just turned 21 in a bowling alley ordering fine scotch and mad because they don’t have it.

Question…

this is funny to others, right?

Happy hour at our room in Hell is 3-6. It’s two for one…

That means you get both of us for the price of one.

Bring a jacket.

The Freakin’ Weekend Baby?

The Remix?

What a great weekend. Don’t know where to start.

Ok… Eve/Eva/Paula/Patty will now be known as Wilma… and we approve of Mr. Flintstone.

Jill (whose name is never protected because she’s not innocent) was an integral part of my weekend. Her husband Steve (not his real name) gave me a great gift this weekend by taking me to the Twins-Yankees game. I am such a fan of small park baseball and It got me so excited for next year when the Tampa Rays come to town. I’m putting my resume together right now to get my job as beerman back for MLB! Steve offered to give me and ‘Box tix for the Sox later this week and I want to do it just to see another spring training park and maybe to hang out with a new friend who’s kinda cute.

Ok… the weekend…

Congrats Pool Princess. Your grand opening was absolutely grand. You deserve every ounce of success that you get. I do wish you had been wearing bunny ears though.

On to the funny…

Saturday morning…

Everyone who knows me knows my Friday night ritual. They know I spend Friday night at the bowling alley with my new favorite bartender of all time M&M. Friday is Men’s night and we have a great time betting on anything that moves and poking fun at life and people in general. We missed the ‘Box who was sick but Jill filled in nicely.

Friday night usually runs late. My angelic mother was on a mission to wake me up Saturday morning, but I prepped her on Friday by telling her under no circumstances was she to even think about disturbing me before 10AM.

The doorbell rang at 8.

Just because it was her, I put on pants. Normally I would not have.

Again, anyone who knows me knows how short of patience I am…especially first thing in the morning… with a hangover.

I stormed to the door ready to let Ol’ mommom have it with both barrels for disregarding my instructions to ‘do not disturb’.

But what to my wondering eyes should appear….

A pair of “Witnesses” spreading the word…

The conversation was short and sweet… “Have you found Jesus?”

“Didn’t know he was missing”

Literature in hand, door closed, I was so glad I put on pants.

When Momma did show, I knew the day was set when she started the conversation with “I bought a bottle of wine at a yard sale this morning”.

Think about that for a while.

Honestly… only here. Who buys wine at a yard sale? Who sells wine at a yard sale? The specifics of the conversation get better but there’s so much more to the weekend that if I go into I won’t get to the best parts of the weekend.

Saturday afternoon was spent with J nnay who is always so much fun and Jill and friends who almost got me beaten for stealing a purse. Saturday night was spent with WonderTwin and the Nipper who are my reason to be in SWFL. Sunday morning was spent making breakfast for the extended family which I would gladly do every morning because “family” is the best thing in the world… which reminds me… Happy Birthday SweetPea. I wish I had known. I would have tried harder to be there to watch the “non” sunset with you.

The “you have to smile” story comes from my newest superhero.

We shall call her BeerGal…

I’m not sure exactly, but I think she’s 4.

BeerGal is lucky enough to have the proper uprbringing. Her parents have taught her right from wrong and she has all the basics down pat. She is courteous and proper and above all the second cutest child I’ve ever met. She’s three feet tall and makes you smile because she is such a happy child! Don’t get me wrong… she is pure evil on the inside but she covers it with the sweetest of shells.

She calls me Mr. Uncle Fungus.

So… while at Jill and Steve’s (not his real name) house after the Twins game, we polished a few beers off and watched the end of the race. Having had a few at the ballpark and a few more at the house, I found the need to make use of the facilities. While standing and aiming, I heard the handle turn and promptly called out the “whoa whoa whoa” knowing it was probably one of the two children. Having spent enough time with my own little godchild, I know that children are the reason that we have the ability to smile. You never know what’s coming out of their mouths or what they will do. You can not be mad at a child, especially if they are as adorable as the Nipper or Jill’s youngest….

The door stopped at a crack…

And the tiniest of hands reached inside…

Holding out a Budweiser.

It seems Jill had told the littlest of girls that Mr. Uncle Fungus needed a fresh one.

She is now BeerGal.

After leaving Jill and Steve’s, I proceeded to meet ‘Box at one of our watering holes to hang out with Ray Ray who knows who the greatest band of all times is. We decided to entertain the snowbirds with our brand of humor by continuing our list of non-pc drinks.

An Olga Korbut… (Jim) Beam and a (Johnny) Walker

A George Michael… Bud in the Can.

A Princess Grace… Crown on the rocks

A Sonny Bono… Bloody Mary and a Mudslide (a Bloodslide?)

An Oswald Cobblepot… Two Fingers Tequila and a Swedish Fish.

That got Ray Ray and I started onto naming baseball series’s…

Remember… attention deficit!
I gave Ray Ray the punch line and he had to come up with the joke…

Twins and Yankees…

It didn’t take long.

Hermaphrodite All Star Game?

That led to the Yogi Bear… Twins and Rangers (boo boo)

The George Jetson… Twins and Astros

The Emerald City… Twins and Rays

The Hustler… Twins and A’s

The Brigette Nielson…. Twins and Giants

Which led us to the best stripper names…

My favorite has always been….

The Minnesota Twins…

‘Box is going with Melon-y

Ray Ray is still undecided….

But you see where we’re going… right?

What do you mean “last call”? Where did the time go?

Where Are My Bunny Ears?

How much do I love those spontaneous great days at the bar?

WonderTwin (my twin sister silly!) and I decided to try a day on the town at a new bar in the area. Brand new English Pub… just opened...I was betting I wouldn’t like it! After reading the draft list, I was POSITIVE I wouldn’t like it. Why is it that you can go to any bar in Europe and get a Budweiser on tap and for some reason these uppity English/Irish bars think it’s beneath them to have Bud as an option? It'll always make me shake my head.

The day started out just perfectly. Sometimes we plan functions and they just never measure up in the end. Other days we just all seem to be on the same wavelength without a single phone call.

WT and I met Eve/Eva/Paula/Patty and a new friend of hers at the English bar. We added Bruno soon afterwards. As a sheer stroke of luck we added my two favorite leprechauns after that. Karen and Mikey are friends from way back who I never get to see often enough. Karma must have brought us all together in the same place at the same time. I guess karma can be a good thing! I'm trying to stay positive.

As the experience progressed, people peeled off and others joined in. E/E/P/P and friend left and were immediately replaced by P & J, who I must say are a welcomed addition to our little group. (They will soon have superhero status, I’m sure).

The service was a little slow, but we managed to have fun anyway. There was lots to do and lots to see and discuss. All in all, I've decided that I like the bar.

I’m sure, y’all are wondering at this stage of the story…. Where O’ where is ‘Box?

He gets added to the mix soon!

We packed up our crew and decided it was time to head back to our side of the bridge. I was gonna get the handoff from WonderTwin to ‘Box. Of course this exchange would mean at least one more cold beverage for the core group that remained. We made the meeting place for the exchange at a midway point at a local outdoor backyard tiki deck which is always amongst my favorites. At this time we added the Pool Princess to the group.

Here’s where the story becomes an epic saga…

When I got there, ‘Box was sitting inside pretty much all alone. This is not normal Lunchbox behavior. His first words were, “you don’t want to go out there!” …

Apparently the deck was housing a birthday party of a rather different kind. It seems all the men were in pajamas and the women were wearing bunny tails and ears….

On the surface, that sounds right up ‘Box and my alley…

Until I got a look.

Even the inside bartender promised we’d be back. She offered to keep our tab open because she was so sure that we would return. We argued over custody of ‘Box and I told her she’d have to speak with my lawyer if she wanted to argue custody any further. I told her I'd be fair in developing joint custody but I would definitely need some support from her.

On to the outside…

Wow.

If these gals came from the Playboy mansion it must be the one in Boca. The one where everyone is on a rascal and no one has their original teeth. These were definitely ‘Olden Girls and were WELL past their prime. It was yet another surreal scene in the streets of Port Charlotte. Honestly… why do I pay for cable????

Within two minutes of entering the back deck, we were approached by a one legged man in a wheel chair screaming at us to discuss America and the war overseas. I’m all for the troops…but a drunken a-hole is a drunken a-hole! After “ignoring” him away, it was immediately replaced with a grandmother purging herself well within our range over the back railing. Mike and I went into Prince… “I only want to see you coughing up the purple rain” She was drinking red wine…. I had to go and see if I could find her teeth. After granny was done chunking up the Barney rainbow, she found her way back to her barstool and commenced to ordering some new replacement fluid and hording the extra pieces of cake left over from the party.

We eventually got joined by Jill and friend… I never hesitate to use Jill’s real name because she is so not the innocent I wish to protect.

It was such a fun night because the bathroom at the bar provides such a fun scenario… For some reason, this particular establishment has a soundtrack all it's own for the men's room. Every time I go, the selection turns out to be more and more "alternative" (for lack of a better term). My favorite from that night had to be Simply Red's "Holding Back The Years" which became "Holding Back the Ears" since by this time 'Box and I were both sporting bunny ears.

Next favorite had to be...

I am sooooo out of love and so lost without you J nay!

And we soo tricked J into believing she called Pizza Hut instead of me.

She did end up with a nice little tail and a permanent smile from the evening.

I love these gals because they know what fun is.

I need you girls to keep on leading the way! Pool Princess… E/E/P/P….Jill (ur REAL name)… J & P…

U are my superheroes!

I don’t watch soap operas… but I’m thinking you are my guiding light... or at least the Bold and the Beautiful!

Or you may just be sirens leading me towards the rocks?

Oh well... I like it on the rocks...

or straight up!

Oh wait…I forgot the rest of the bunny ears story!

DEFINITELY to be continued... with pictures...

right 'Box?