The Garden State of Eatin'

On the Streets East of Philadelphia…

Our journey has begun…. And we come to you, with open arms… Journey… get it?
I’ll chronicle what I can next to the sleeping snoring giant that is LunchBox… NO we are not sharing a bedroom… WE ARE NOT GAY!!!… but I have decided we share a brain. Sometimes we let the Damsel have it on weekends.
Tonight we are lucky enough to have some couches at ‘Box’s sister house outside of Blackwood, NJ.
It soooooo beats last night’s resting place. That would have been a rest stop in NC. We pulled in around 2:30AM, after driving for 12 hrs. It was NOT a comfortable evening. It ended at 6AM.


Box slept in the truck bed. He woke up rippled from the bedliner. He had a blanket and a rolled up jacket for a pillow….
HE was the lucky one.
I got the cab of the truck. I swear at one point I had my foot in my mouth. I haven’t SEEN my feet in years, yet somehow managed to get contorted into sucking my own toes. I ended in at least three positions NOT in the Kama Sutra. To top all that… it was freezing! I’m sure it dipped into the 60’s! Hey, I’m from Florida and my house remains at 88 all the time. In my house if I want to cool it off, I turn on the oven. Remember... practicing for Hell.
I lost a quarter inch of enamel from my teeth due to the chattering. Combined with that was the fact that whenever ‘Box rolled over in the back I had San Francisco flashbacks of the earthquakes. I slept on and off for what seemed like minutes.

We did have a good time along the way. We set up what I consider the mother of jokes. ‘Box has an old countertop model phone from the 70’s. We’ve adopted it as the Fatphone. We take it into bars and set it on the rail and when people ask about it we tell them we’re expecting a call from Commissioner Gordon (you know… the Fisherman).


We decided to bring it along so we could torture people on the road with it. Imagine looking over at the car next to you and seeing someone talking on an old model receiver like it was a cell phone. We thought it was hilarious. We laughed and laughed….

Not one person noticed.

If a fatman makes a joke in the forest and no one gets it, is it still funny?


We also adapted our version of a dashboard Jesus.

Here we are at South of the Border.

Here is 'Box's fantasy.
The "gorilla" my dreams.


So far the highlight of the trip… WAWA!
If you are not from here or have never been to the Northeast, you will not appreciate the magnitude of Wawa. Having been away from here… I do. The first one was in south Virginia…

I cried.

I LOVE Wawa.

‘Box LOVES Wawa.

Anyone who knows us knows we don’t stop talking. We get started going and its non stop. When we left Wawa, there was nothing said for almost 30 minutes. It was like being in church. I had a 24 oz coffee and we both got iced tea… I still get misty thinking about it.

When we leave we WILL be taking back cartons upon cartons of Wawa iced tea. It is the thing I miss the most from here. It is all I want for Xmas and my birthday every year. It has been a deciding factor in whether or not to make the trip north.

So… we made it to NJ. We’ve eaten, we’ve slept on and off, we’ve drank at a tiki bar. Yes we came 1,100 miles to drink in a tiki bar in NJ! I’ve gotten to meet some of ‘Box’s friends and I understand more. His friends share his sense of humor and I look forward to the party on Sunday. They are very welcoming and it WILL be fun…

Today he gets to meet more of my friends. It also WILL be fun.

I’ll try to keep the story going and take pictures.

Oh, by the way… here’s outside Baltimore when I had to stop for the facilities. ‘Box warned me not to stop at the rest stop because I “didn’t want to poop with the bus people...


Here was the sign from above….


And the walk of shame afterwards…

And I would love if someone could tell us what exactly that smell is in the truck? Two fat guys in a truck is too many fat guys in a truck.

Tune in as the adventure countinues!!!!

Writing for the World to Change

Okay…

We are going to go road tripping tomorrow. I can only wonder what the music will be?

It’s going to be an adventure to say the least.

‘Box and I are setting forth. Queen Isabella from Portugal is financing the voyage. We will start from Florida and end in… well… somewhere. The New World? We are taking three ships. It’s the reverse of Ponce de Leon… the fountain of middle age?

Eventually it will end in either PA or NJ. At least I think so. It could be Kentucky, Tennessee or Canada. After all… I lack a sense of direction and I am a bad influence on ‘Box.

Wonder what Columbus felt like? I know it’s not nearly the same but I just have this feeling. He didn’t know where he was headed and neither do we. Oh sure… we have an idea but I’m sure it’s not gonna end up that way. Maybe we will find the West Indies or the Spice Girl Islands?

I’ve always been a little Karmac…and Karmac says this one will be one for the books. We will take pictures and attempt to post along the way.

Anyway…

Before we go… tonight’s discussion…

Which was the bigger death in music, Elvis or John Lennon?

Tough call…

Elvis was the King, and will always be the King. He’s been dead for 30 years and he still rules.

John Lennon was THE driving force in the Beatles. I still count Imagine as one of the best songs ever written.

I was outside the argument.

I LOVE Elvis.

I Love the Beatles.

But…

I’m stuck on Nirvana and Kurt Cobain. Don’t get me wrong… it was a chicken shit way to go out for him, but their music was every bit as influential as either of the aforementioned. Just listen to Nevermind or the Unplugged CD. Exactly who was the last power trio?

I think the biggest thing to me was the impact. We talked about it at the bar. Nirvana changed the shape of music.

I remember where I was when Elvis died and John Lennon…

And Kurt.

I wonder how many people are in this group? How many Elvis fans know who Kurt Cobain is, let alone where they were? Do we judge music by our generation?

And yet they all changed music. You can’t deny Elvis changed music, nor the Beatles. Would you argue that Nirvana did? Look into it and let’s discuss. They were the birth of grunge, the MTV re-revolution and a huge change in music. Pearl Jam owes Kurt. They had a bigger following. Ask Soundgarden or the Smashing Pumpkins or Stone Temple Pilots. They had more people camping out and lighting candles. Why do we downplay modern heroes? According to Little Feat… “They say … time loves a hero…but only time will tell… if he’s real, he’s a legend from heaven, if he ain’t he was sent here from Hell.” God Bless Lowell George… I’m not sure he doesn’t need to be included in this discussion.

Elvis spent all those years playing Vegas and just hanging on. John Lennon was in the discount rack at the end …both legends but past their importance.

Granted Kurt married a Hole… but there was still quality left…and then it was gone… by his own hand… What a waste?

Please chime in on this discussion. Is there someone else to be considered? Karen Carpenter maybe? Or John Lee Hooker? I’ll listen, I promise. Freddy Mercury comes to mind. Jerry and the Dead? How would Mick be viewed if he died early instead of hanging to his sixties? Buddy Holly? Maybe time curses a hero?

Ok…. The next discussion at the bar…

Title for the next Indiana Jones movie… or should it be a Florida Jones movie… old age and all.

Indiana Jones and the Rascal of Doom

Indiana Jones and the Lost Walker

Indiana Jones and the Adventures of the Lost Coffin

My favorite… Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the First Ark… he fights Moses, played by Abe Vigoda.

Is he gonna fight Rocky next? Or Jason?

Raiders of the Last AARP?

My next rant… How oh HOW did the Lifetime Channel pick Ashlee Simpson as their new spokesperson? Who exactly decided that women needed to see her as a role model???

Umm…pregnant, married to a rockstar, plastic surgery, lip synching….

Please find the person that made this decision and let me smack them.

Wow? Role model? Women should really try to be this.

Really?

I don’t think any woman should ever have plastic surgery. Beauty comes from inside. If you think a new nose or fake boobs makes you more desirable, you DESERVE the jackass that falls for you. Apparently he is as shallow as you are.


Next….

100 million votes for American Idol.

More than the 2004 presidential election.

I can’t add to that…

Presidential election/ Karaoke.

WTF?

When did bad TV get to be so important? Honestly, what has become of any American Idol? They are 2nd ring in the circus at best. Just behind Jeff Dahmer and Chuck Manson. Meanwhile the election has raised the price of gas to a fin and has allowed government to access all our personal info as a matter of “national” security… but we can’t text in our vote and they’re not singing covers of Beatles songs or dancing with washed up sports stars…. YES KRISTI YAMAGUCHI… u are washed up….

U weren’t until you decided to be a part of this….

Are you going to star in a sex tape with Screech next?

Didn’t you win an Olympic medal once? Wow… and Marion Jones is in jail. You both have become STELLAR examples for our young.

I’m willing to bet the crossover vote between the Idol and the president is less than 1%. Ask anyone who voted in the election who was in the Idol finals and vice versa and mail me a check…

Please don’t ask me the price of a stamp, because I’m sure it’s going the way of gas…

I think they are interconnected. When it becomes cheaper to drive the check to the creditor, they up gas… then it’s cheaper to mail it, so we up postage. Shouldn’t I enjoy getting screwed a little more?

I just realized I can’t afford the gas to mow my grass! Or the money to drive to get the gas to drive to get the gas to mow the grass.

When did we decide that we wanted to watch who dated Flavor Flav or Brett Michaels from Poison or someone dating a farmer or a wife swap or nannies or any kind of rehab.

When exactly did fact become stranger than fiction? I used to tune into TV to get AWAY from reality!

Honestly, why would anyone fight to date Bret Michaels or Flavor Flav? If it wasn’t on TV could either one of these clowns get any attention at a hooker convention in Vegas? Hells NO… look at the two of them. What is their contribution to society? How do I love thee… let me count the diseases…


Oh right…

Road trip in 2 hours….

I’ll try to provide pictures, commentary and evidence.

In the meantime… I’m waiting on the world to change.

My Second Favorite Mother

So, it’s Mother’s Day and I have to give props to my second favorite mother of all time… Wonder Twin.

It doesn’t hurt that she is raising my favorite child of all time.
I’m blessed to be her godfather (Fungus Corleone) and the fact that she is the funniest 7 year old on the face of the planet doesn’t hurt either. I’m sure she gets that through my genes, no matter what her parents say.

I know bringing a child up in this town has to be hard. Just tonight I witnessed a father taking his 3 kids into the bar to pick up a to-go order. The bar was full and he thought nothing of setting his kids at the rail and buying them a root beer (which came in a brown bottle) while he drank an alcoholic drink. I was a little upset that the bartender allowed it to happen, especially in this town. The last time I checked there were 57 registered sex offenders within 5 miles of my house… while I am sometimes considered sexually offensive, I am not registered. In this town does a youngster need to learn how to sit at a bar?

This particular daddy, whose children I guessed at 6, 8, and 10, allowed his youngest to wander off to the bathroom under the guidance of the oldest while he sat and finished his drink. Does he not read the paper? I wondered about the qualifications necessary to be a parent. Personally, it was a major reason behind my divorce.

WonderTwin has done a tremendous job in raising this little ball of trouble
despite all the obstacles she meets on a daily basis.

The last time I checked, Florida was among the lowest ranking states in quality of education, yet this little girl currently sits at the top of her class in reading comprehension and math ability. She is a former Little Miss Hibiscus and is cute as an insect in a carpet. (Back me up here people…that’s why I allow comments!!!)

I just wanted to say how proud I am of my Sis. She knows that the only way to make this world a better place is to understand that children come first. I consider being a parent the most important job anyone could be given and she has done a wonderful job of it.

Happy Mother’s Day Sis.

Working My Way Back to Funny?

Hockey games, horse races and cars going round in a circle. How much fun was that? That was one heck of a finish at Richmond. Sports-wise it was one of the best weekends in sports so far this year. Wonder Twin won the derby pool and ‘Box won the driver pool. We all enjoyed the festivities and were all saddened by the misfortune of Eight Belles. It’s never a good thing to have to put down one of the beautiful creatures of nature. I guess one minor silver lining would have to be that at least it was quick and relatively painless. I’m reminded of the glassy eyed look and bulky apparatus used to keep Barbaro alive after his broken leg.

I have to add the “teaser” for tonight’s local news. How to protect your kids and family pets from a new strain of deadly rabies-infected bats coming to SW Florida... tune in at 11. Shouldn't we be told about this immediately?

I also have to add that I’m still stuck in the “unable” to sleep phase. No wonder with the killer rabies bats flying just outside my door. I’ve seen every bad movie ever made in the last month. I had to text ‘Box at 4AM the other day because I was watching Karate Kid 2 and I made myself laugh at changing the lyrics for the theme song. It’s Peter Cetera, famous as the lead singer of Chicago, singing We Did it All For the Glory of Lunch (Love). That was easy…the good one was the line that went … I am a man who would fight for the Amish!
News teaser number 2…. Helping Animal Services take care of dozens of abused puppies... Film at 11. How can I not want to stay up for this video?

‘Box and I have several easy rules for ruining songs. Replace Love with Lunch …examples:
I’m all out of Lunch, I’m so lost without food. (Air Supply)
Lunch Stinks (J Geils)
Lunch is a Many Splendored Thing (the Four Aces)
Give me Lunch, Give me Lunch, give me Ham on Wheat (George Harrison’s best work)
Oh my love, my darling, I’ve hungered for your lunch (the Righteous Brothers)
Wide Men say…only fools are thin…but I can’t help ordering lunch with you (Elvis)
Another easy one is replacing the word woman with Mormon… Examples:
American Mormon, stay away from me. (Guess Who)
You make me feel like a natural Mormon (Aretha Franklin)
Girl, you’ll be a Mormon soon (Neil Diamond)
I am Mormon hear me roar (Helen Reddy)...in numbers too big to ignore
LA Mormon, Sunday afternoon (the Doors)… this could also be Deli Mormon or Deli Woman

Teaser 3!!! Coming up at 11…Meat your family shouldn’t eat. Please, this is getting too easy.

Friday afternoon ‘Box and I spent some time at Nav-A-Gator Bar and Grill.
We both LOVE this bar, we just wish it was closer. We haven’t been there in quite a while and we were pleasantly surprised by the reception we got upon arrival. It’s always nice when we get remembered.
We were lucky enough to have our true ‘lil superhero Shorty behind the rail. ‘Box and I count her as one of our favs. Here’s a pic of her. Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, I made her the bartender of the month for the bar rag which wasn’t paying me to work for them. (I know…let it go Dave…lol) If you get time, there are some great pictures on their website at www.nav-a-gator.com or www.myspace.com/navagatorbarandgrill.

While sitting there and having our usual dozen beers, Box and I came up with a couple of ideas.
One I’m not going to throw out there since the rag seems to steal my good ideas and call them their own. The other, which came later in the drinking, was to remake old comedy series with new actors playing the characters.


We immediately went with Christoper Walken playing J.J. Evans and Kathryn Hepburn playing Florida Evans in the remake of Good Times. Dyn-o-mite!
It eventual led to Christopher Walken playing George Jefferson, Archie Bunker and Hawkeye Pierce. Sorry, when we drink we get on a track and stay there. I have a feeling that this idea will resurface soon as it holds a lot of funny potential.

To end it all up for this blog, I’m finishing with an ex-Philly sports star that happens to be playing in the Conference Championships of the NLL this weekend.
For those of you not familiar, the NLL is the professional indoor lacrosse league. This canuck happens to be in his 18th professional season and is a 9 time All-Pro in goal. He holds every record in the book for goalies. He’s currently playing for the Portland Lumberjax, but for 6 years or so, while playing for the Philadelphia Wings, he played roommate to this Beerman. I want to wish him luck and can’t wait to see him again soon.
Maybe I’ll write a blog about all the silly things we did over the years, like filling out his official media guide with off-the-wall answers (least favorite team and why?...answer: the Toronto Rock, because I hate them with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.
Yes, this was used in the official media guide of the Wings) or breaking the MVP trophy on the way home from the Championship game while stopping to pee.
Ahh good times. Good Luck to you Dallas Eliuk!

Speaking of Conference Finals…

Go FLYERS! (trying hard not to jinx ‘em, eh ‘Box?)