Perfect Visions

Since this old beerman has been way short of funds lately, I’ve found myself with time on my hands to learn some new tricks.
I thought it would be cool to go back and add some vision to stories gone by, and maybe add a few new ones as well.
I’ll start with one from ‘Box’s Birthday Bash. To all those of you that were invited and missed it…you should have been there.

Here he is with Walker San Francisco Ranger.
The evening was complete with an inflatable granny and an erotic cake. We also had the pleasure of one wail of a squirt gun fight and a top ten list of reasons why no one wants to be Big Mike.

10) Everyone wants you to move furniture (Mike’s old profession)

9) Some other dude is getting laid off your Valentine’s Day flowers (He actually had his bouquet stolen from his gal’s front porch)

8) You get less tail than Ben Franklin’s kite

7) Cell phones are too small for your beefy hands

6) You crumble like blue cheese whenever you see boobs (and then lend them money)

5) You always have to be pissed off at the world

4) You have to be Fungus’ bitch

3) Quitney will cut you off after 20 beers (TRUE STORY!!!)

2) No one EVER gets to see the girl in your sex video (my personal favorite)

1) You spend $40 to win a $25 gift certificate in a chili cook-off (which he did at the bar where the party was held, which made it funny to the crowd!)

Please feel free to add any that you may think of… trust me, I can use the laugh... and for heaven's sake someone PLEASE send me the picture of "David Lee Roy"

While I was digging through pictures, here’s one of a couple of the GNO gals that I just plain ol’ love.







I’ve also included a pic of their coconut that they raced in last weeks Coconut Daze. The other picture was just one of the other coconuts I thought was done up nice.

Digging further into the archive I found a picture of Jennaay in bunny ears





and a picture of me and granny.
If you haven’t read this story, go back and re-read it. Granny had just finished vomiting over the railing and I snuck up behind her for a picture.


Speaking of sneaking up behind for a picture. I have to tell y’all a story about my buddy Buckeye. I haven’t decided yet whether Buckeye is a superhero or a supervillian. He does seem to get me into sticky situations and I know he’s surely evil.

Every year I’m fortunate to travel to the lovely Outer Banks of North Carolina with a couple dozen of my favorite peeps…sometimes it’s more. One year Buckeye and I set out on a mission. He was showing me pictures he had taken on a tour of major league ballparks one summer and he stumbled on one that included a rather unattractive woman. When I asked who she was, he told me that he and his sidekick decided she was one of the ugliest women they had seen on the trip and snuck behind her to make it appear that they had gotten a picture together.

WOW…

How much did I love that idea? Of course we had to kick it up a notch. We decided on our trip to OBX we would seek out a midget in a wheelchair with a mullet wearing an eye patch. Needless to say, I have an archive of 20 different women wearing an eye patch from that trip. We even had one bartender ready to buy a mullet wig. The best part for me was that every picture taken was sent via cell phone to Buckeye’s chum back in the Midwest. Imagine that you just keep receiving pictures of two guys and a different gal with an eye patch for a week straight. Tell me that wouldn’t make you laugh?

So I am including this pic for you Buckeye… and yes, that is the same eye patch
on the deer head. The best part of the bar crawl in this picture was the photos of the county policeman taken from later on that night using a slimjim to unlock his cop car….which was still running. He never got the keys out and it eventually ran out of gas.
Oh well, it’s getting late here and I’m still on a mission to get my resume posted to every job board in the US and eventually the world. If you have any leads, forward them my way, as the only jobs in SW Florida are paying in the $5 an hour range and I just don’t feel right about having a bachelor’s degree and settling for that kinda coin.
I’ll try to add some more fun from the Kentucky Derby party this week. I’m sure it’ll be a hoot.
Y’all don’t be strangers and feel free to make comments…you don’t have to register. I do get to preview them before they’re posted though, so u gotta be nice… or at least funny.

On a final note, I noticed that the entertainment rag I had written for and developed ideas for has decided to steal one of my ideas without giving me any credit. Once again this superhero gets taken advantage of. For all of you that know them, when they tell you the story that I was asking for too much money…

I asked for $50 an article per month, which barely paid for my bartab and certainly not the time they got from me to develop ads that they are still using and got from me for free.


If you see them, wish them karma from me.

Birthday 'Box

Sure has been a while huh?

Time keeps on tickin’ tickin’ tickin’… into the future. Eh ‘Box?

Yesterday was good ol’ Lunchbox’s 40th birthday. He didn’t seem too happy about it. I’m sure he’ll be alright with it once it sinks in to his creamy nougat center.
‘Box needs to learn that these are just numbers and are completely meaningless in the Superhero World. In the great words of Groucho Marx, “You’re only as old as the women you feel”. In the words of the Beerman, “Age keeps moving on, but you can stay immature forever!”

Since income has been tight in Superhero land lately, I decided for ‘Box’s birthday I’d put together a soundtrack for him. So here goes….

Track 1) She Taste Like Gravy
This is a song Mike introduced me to around my birthday last year. I had never heard it before and I think he found it off a search of a radio broadcast. It is a dead-on replication of Gnarl’s Barkley’s “Crazy” with the lyrics pertaining to dating larger women. Best line…. Fat chicks rule….and they do things skinny chicks just won’t do.

Track 2) Jungle Love
Ask any Superhero…who exactly is the greatest band of all time?????
Answer: Morris Day and the Motherf*cking Time!! Lunchbox is a white version of Jerome and was born to carry a mirror for RayRay to watch himself dance.

Track 3) Rockstar
This Nickleback song is a favorite of ‘Box’s. I think secretly he wished he was a Guitar Hero instead of just one half of the Titanic Duo.




Track 4) Ugly Baby
One of Stephen Lynch’s classic songs about his daughter’s birth. Best line…I always wanted kids, is it wrong to hope for SIDS? “When the audience groans, you know you got a great joke”… Mike Capner.



Track 5) Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)
During one of our nights at the bar, we changed the words of this Big & Rich song into Save a Horse, Ride a Fat Boy.

Track 6) I Love This Bar
If you have to ask why this is included, you don’t know ‘Box.

Track 7) Sylvia’s Mother
We’ve taken great pleasure playing this Dr. Hook song at our favorite watering hole because M&M hates it. It started as a joke that we took to ridiculous lengths (gee…that doesn’t sound like us!)


Track 8) You Never Met a Motherf*cker Like Me
Kid Rock rocks especially at the level of Charlie’s jukebox.

Track 9) Down in Mexico
This Coasters song is used in Grindhouse:Quinten Taratino’s Death Proof. It’s one of the best lapdance scenes ever made. It was NOT included in the theater release but is on the extended cut for the DVD. As ‘Box is a fan of the lapdance, I included it. It is worth the purchace.

Track 10) After the Lovin’
Yes, it’s Englebert Humperdink. His name is Humperdink…c’mon that’s funny. The real reason I included this in the soundtrack is because we almost
have the re-write finished of our version entitled “After the Luncheon”… “And I know…the buffet isn’t serving…anything new…but after the luncheon…I gotta go… number 2.”

Track 11) Gin & Juice
Yes Snoop Dogg…only we’ve adopted the Gourds bluegrass version. THIS is the official Beerman and Big Mike theme music. Anyone who can take a Snoop song and make it better (approved by Snoop himself) is truly gifted. Anyone who has not heard this song can hear it on my myspace www.myspace.com/dave_the_beerman.

Track 12) The Candy Man
How do we not include a candy song for a fat man on his birthday by a skinny one-eyed dead black man? Plus…you can even eat the dishes!


Track 13) Ramble On Rose
I had to include a Grateful Dead song, the problem was limiting myself to just one. I went with Rambling Rose because it fit the tempo. There isn’t enough time to go into why one Dead song works better than another. It’s the difference between Apple Pie and Cherry pie. It’s ALL pie…delicious wonderful pie!

Track 14) Wet Dream
Kip Adotta made a five minute pun that epitomizes our AWFUL sense of humor.

Track 15) See You in Hell

It’s a late 80’s throwback from Grim Reaper back in the metal age. ‘Box likes metal and it was a way to add my true feelings into the mix.

If you have the ability to download these tunes, go ahead and burn yourself a copy. If not ask me and I’ll burn you a copy off mine. There are some added perks on mine as well… such as the watch speech from Christopher Walken in Pulp Fiction and Peanut Butter Jelly Time from Family Guy.

Happy Birthday LunchBox! We all love ya and look forward to the next forty years, remember you can sleep when you’re dead.