Crab Salad

Good Morning…

Or is it?

I know I promised to write once a day while I was house sitting and of course I have not.

It’s a shame there isn’t a professional league for procrastinators… I would be the Manny Ramirez of it.

Oh Wait….NEWS FLASH.

Manny’s been traded.


Manny is now a member of the Atlanta Thrashers of the NHL.

Manny and Joe Torre, manager of the LA Dodgers:

J: Manny, we need you to play left field.
M: WHAAAAAAT?
J: Manny, left field.
M: WHAAAAAAT?
J: Go out and play left field Manny.
M: OKAAAAAY.

A candidate for the Hall of Fame fo’ sho’!

It’s been a less than stellar morning for me here today. It’s the end of the month and bill-paying time. Strike one.

This week I have lost the tiniest of screws out of two sets of glasses, bent a third pair and snapped a fourth. When it comes to glasses I am CURSED like no other. If you add together what I’ve spent in my lifetime so far on glasses, it would be enough money to buy the NY Yankees. (OK, maybe it just feels like it to me.)

Anyone with good vision want to call me and listen to the anger in my voice when it comes to discussing the frustration of trying to rescrew a mini-millimeter screw back into the hole with a butter knife while holding together the pieces of two flimsy ends of the frame and trying to keep the glass part where it needs to be?

And of course, I’m doing this while I can see absolutely NOTHING.

E-mail me for a list of obscenities that have spewn forth when the screw lands on the kitchen floor which already has 80,000 little pieces of other crap on it and an intricate pattern to boot. It’s mandatory that the foul verbiage continues constantly while I’m on my hands and knees panning for the screw. It is homage to my late grandfather who taught me the value of swearing at inanimate objects and continuously doing it until the item was found, fixed, or broken beyond repair. I’m pretty sure he made up combinations of swear words that would still amaze a dockworker. I remember my beloved old hound running to hide under the coffee table every time I broke out the tool box. He knew what was coming. Eyeglasses… strike two.

I’m missing SuperDarlin’s birthday this week AND gonna miss the yearly anniversary of Damsel’s birth next week. I HATE that I’m not going to be back home for this...I mean I REALLY HATE THIS ONE.
I miss all the people back in FL but since I had the opportunity to work here in PA I had to take it… and that SUCKS. Work should NEVER get in the way of what is truly important in life. I miss seeing my buddy Ray and seeing his newborn grow. I miss the Nipper…BADLY.
I miss WonderTwin and the gals, especially Not So Innocent Jill and Pool Diva.

Let’s add to this the facts that LunchBox is now out of a job and may be moving out of the area, the newfound throbbing in my right ear that I can hear nothing out of, the fact that I have had to care for 2 cats every morning and night this week, the fact that my good buddy Bob had to put down his faithful dog Gus this week which has done nothing but remind me of my faithful puppy from so long ago, and you have strikes 3 thru 10.

Let’s examine some of these things a little at a time…

If you know me… you know there is one and only one animal I will swerve to hit on the highway. It’s not quite as intense as my hatred for the University of Notre Dame but it’s close. Canned cat food is almost certainly the most disgusting thing on the face of this or any other planet. Why would anyone want to have a pet that craps in a box and makes you scoop it up…

Honestly… I’m asking.

I’m pretty sure if you were trapped in a fire, a cat would not alert the fire department nor drag you to safety. In fact, they would sit and lick themselves while you burned. They serve no purpose other than to infuriate me. I am reminded of an ex-wife.

The pain in my ear. I lost all the hearing in my right ear from an ear infection over a year ago. There may or may not be an operation to restore the hearing but it doesn’t matter since I have no insurance nor the money for such an operation. Shouldn’t basic healthcare be more important than a war thousands of miles away that claims to be protecting our oil interests but is still costing me a fortune at the pumps? Shouldn’t basic healthcare fall under the line about inalienable rights and the pursuit of happiness? It’s self-evident to me. How much different would Capitol Hill be if there were no healthcare for politicians? Would it change how things worked there?

Why can’t dogs live as long as humans? They really are one of the few things that make life bearable and should have a much longer lifespan.


RIP Gus.

Does LunchBox know how miserable life will be if he moves away? I’m not sure I can allow this to be an option.

This week our goal was to come up with the most un-PC list of album/CD titles that we could think of. It took 4 days and about 100 text messages at all hours of the day and night. We are nothing if not committed to the joke.

The list is being edited and updated and will be posted on the next blog, which will come sooner than later…YES BOX I KNOW I OWE YOU BEER!

Here are some nuggets from the Charlotte County Sun-Herald.

If you're going to steal someone else's checks, don't write the amount to yourself.

Apparently, Michael Frances Robinson didn't get the memo.

The 23-year-old Port Charlotte man was charged Wednesday with four counts of forgery and four counts of uttering a forged instrument.

The Charlotte County Sheriff's Office received a complaint in June from a man stating someone had stolen his checks and cashed them at Bank of America. The name on each check said "Michael Robinson," according to a sheriff's office report.

Robinson, of the 3800 block of Tamiami Trail, reportedly received a total of $1,350 from four checks.

Bank video of the transactions showed Robinson cashing the checks on four separate occasions, the report said.

Robinson told detectives he found the victim's checkbook in his yard, and forged the man's signature, according to the report.

Robinson is being held on $20,000 bond.

Do you think he saved a check for bail?

Report: Man brings toddler to drug deal

Authorities arrested an Englewood man who reportedly brought his 2-year-old son with him to purchase crack cocaine Monday.

The article goes on to state that because of a recently enacted law, this is now a felony and not a misdemeanor. Question, if you are stupid enough to take a child to a crack deal, is the upgrade in severity of punishment going to make you think twice before dragging said child in tow? Can’t you hear the decision making process… if I leave the child at home alone it’s just endangering and the deal is a misdemeanor… 2 misdemeanors vs. 1 felony? What to do, what to do.

I’m going to end with some funny things that I’ve accumulated in the past couple days and proceed to finalizing the non-pc list…

Here’s a teaser:

Michael Jackson: Gin and Juicy Juice

James Brown: No Longer Living in America

Amy Winehouse: Coughin’ to Coffin

R. Kelly: Golden Hits

Johnny Cash: Cashed In

Tupac: It’s a Rap

Feel free to join in!

Here’s a nice redneck tattoo.


Here’s a favorite of mine taken from Bits and Pieces.

Heath McLedger

And one more…


Why do I see Box and I replicating this silly feat!

I’ll be home before you know it Box… hang in there!