The Perfect Redneck Moment

A sign from above said it was time.


I’ve been blocked for months.


Oh, I have had plenty to write about but just haven’t felt the proper motivation…


Until today.


I’ve had plenty of stories to tell…


I’m back doing what I love (selling beer at the ballpark); I’m still doing all kinds of silly things while drinking beer with Box. We’ve traveled across the country, from Washington to St. Augustine in a 22 foot truck full of furniture, complete with awesome pictures from Mt. Rushmore, Budweiser in St. Louis, Sturgis, the Corn Palace in Iowa, GRACELAND (capitalized for reverence), Beale St., New Orleans, and even a Testicle Festival sign in Wyoming.


I’ve met celebrities like Cal Ripken Jr. and Jamie Lee Presley.


I’ve rescued a Rottweiler who has bitten me, bitten Box, has irritable bowl syndrome, and eats 50 lbs. of dog food every three weeks.


I’ve taken a second job as a bartender, had a girlfriend for awhile, been back and forth to PA several times, shared the World Champion Phillies experience with friends in Philly, shared the AL Champion Rays experience and Spring Training with Tampa Bay Rays players, seen parades, printed shirts, sold shirts, had 4 ft of grass in my yard to mow, sold beer to 7,000 people, won a Dead Pool, made new friends, found old friends, made more new friends….

You get the picture.

All this things were blogworthy, yet they did not inspire me to write again…

Until today.

I got to the Broad Street Bar and Grill at 1PM. Box is working the bar, tending solo for the first time. He was there for me yesterday, when I soloed for the first time, and I would be there for him for the duration of his inaugural run at the rail. We were working on developing our new signature shot, the Jelly Donut (what else would two fat guys have as a shot?) Needless to say, I tried to keep him busy by keeping me oiled to make the time fly. Luckily we also had two Mexicans to help us stay entertained by playing Mexican heavy metal and Mexican polka music (think Chicken Dance… they did ironically order chicken wings!)


Afterwards we were going to TGIFridays for an outdoor fundraising event. The event was held in the parking lot, following a motorcycle run and all our favorite bartenders from Friday’s were working in some capacity or another. Our buddy RayRay was playing in the band. He even dedicated a song to us, with a story behind it. We had coerced the girls in the crowd to scream Simple Man because it’s his signature song but he’s grown weary of playing it. Why would you tell us this RayRay?

As we sat in the back of the crowd quietly laughing at everyone around us (don’t judge us, it’s not personal), we began to notice the tattoos.


Our bartending buddy Mike… also known to us as Pac cuz he thinks he’s gansta and we gave him the nickname Tu-4-one Pac. (Don’t tell him because he doesn’t know yet)… just got a new tattoo. He has a “Made in Newark” tattoo and recently added an Ace Frehley to go with his Paul Stanley in his ongoing KISS arm sleeve.

In front of us, I notice on the left calf of an older gentleman, the Earnhardt number 3. I am a NASCAR fan and this tattoo is not uncommon in the state of Florida, nor do I necessarily think it’s all that redneck.


I didn’t say it wasn’t redneck… just not ALL that redneck.

But…


I then noticed that it contained the Groodwrench logo above it (Dale’s sponsor) and the word Sr. underneath it.

Then I saw the right calf contained the red #8 with the Budweiser logo above and Jr. written underneath it.

Not enough to make me write…

Sure… I pointed it out to Box and we laughed about it… until I noticed his left arm had a tattoo of a snook on it. For those that don’t know, a snook is a local Florida fish.

We are well on our way to a true redneck.


Can it get better?

Yes… right arm… a grouper… (another local fish).


We are on our way to the perfect redneck moment.

David Allen Coe sings a song called the perfect country song. In it the author claims to have written the perfect country song, to which Coe refutes his claim because the song does not contain anything about his mama, prison, a pickup trick, or being drunk in the rain. He adds a verse and it becomes the perfect country song… if you’ve never heard it, download it.


I am trying to describe the perfect redneck moment.

We were trying to get a picture on Box’s camera phone but the resolution and lighting would not have done it justice… so I will attempt to describe it.

It is in my opinion, the perfect redneck picture of the perfect redneck moment.


Frame:

Older gentleman, shorts, tattered white tee shirt containing a Confederate flag, baseball cap (flag design… These Colors Don’t Run), dark sunglasses…

Nascar and fish tattoos.

The band is playing David Allen Coe’s perfect country song. They have just gotten to the line “I was drunk, the day my mom, got out of prison.”


In the background there is a young woman who is 9 and one half months pregnant. The indentation is still on her belly button from the portion of the cord they neglected to remove from the last toddler she gave birth to approximately nine months and a day earlier.

She is wearing a shirt that says Sexy on it…

She is smoking a cigarette.


She is smiling to reveal her missing tooth.

Next to her is a woman holding a small infant, who is catching the exhaled smoke.

In the far background, you can see a decked out Harley from the ride.

In the foreground, you can see yellow caution tape blocking off the parking lot.

My perfect Redneck photo would have to contain audio, not just for the twang of the Perfect Country Song, but for the words that Box leaned over and said into my ear, which made this the Perfect Redneck Moment.


“Dude...












I think that baby’s retarded.”




You may all thank Box for making the perfect redneck moment to inspire me back to this blog after almost a year.

Come do it in person at the new outdoor bar which he and I will be ‘tending, adjoined to Treasure Lanes in Port Charlotte. (The Broad St. Bar and Grill… opening soon…stay tuned!)

I am determined to add a new Facebook, Myspace and blog for the bar so you can all be virtual regulars. We are also in the planning stages of the grand opening in which we hope to include music from RayRay, Bruno, et.al and a kick-ass party. You will all be invited.
Circa end of August.

Comment me on this and keep me motivated to tell you the stories of the cross country trip and post the hundreds of pictures, including Box riding a giant bunny and me drooling at the Budweiser plant and posing with ClydesDale Earnhardt.

It’s good to be back!