The Adventures of Beerman and Big Mike

Profiles of us

2011-08-10T14:32:00.006-04:00

LunchBox

Mike Capner

43 years old

Born in Blackwood, NJ

High School Education

Truck driver for 20 years

Bartender at a bowling alley that serves $1 drafts

Moved to Florida to take care of his parents… Father lost his lower leg to Diabetes, Mother had both knees replaced.

Lives with his parents.

6’5” 425lbs

never married

Fungus

Dave Cabott

48 years old

Born in Lancaster, PA (Amish Country)

Bachelor of Arts in Mathematics. 8 credits shy of a Masters.

Once worked giving blood

Beer Hawker at a Minor League Stadium

Moved to Florida to escape his ex-wife

Lives with his 110lb Rottweiler who suffers from IBS

6’1” 325lbs.

divorced for 10 years

Big Matty

Matt Free

43 years old

Born in Port Charlotte, FL

High School educated

Retired Asst. Fire Chief

Divorced

5’10” 385lbs.

living with current 23yo girlfriend and her 4 kids and several cats, changing diapers and cat litter.

If we were a rap act, we would be Run-KFC

Thinking About the Good Things to Come

2010-12-31T13:03:00.000-05:00

come on now peace train...

The Wiki Page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peace_Train

The perfect song to celebrate a new year about to begin....

the birth of a good friend's triplets, healthy and happy...

and the return of Taco Bell's $5 Box....

Shine

2010-12-17T12:42:00.000-05:00

I think you need to stop following misery's lead

you've only begun to shine...

It was a great day of iPod selections. There was John Prine's Fish and Whistle... there was G Love's Peace, Love, and Happiness but this one struck me. I am an Anna Nalick fan. Not a huge fan... just haven't been exposed to that much of her. I have some tunes because I liked Breathe but usually I skip over it. Not today...

and what a lucky break for me. This is now my new favorite AN song. Very positive and very fitting for my mood of late. I'm trying my best to change my outlook on life and to become a positive person. I believe we all know right from wrong and we all have the power to be happy. We choose to ignore it, maybe because it's too hard or because of past fears, but bottom line... you know what to do, so do it. You know what's been holding you back. You know the bad choices you made.

I'm reading a book that makes a good point. The mess you're in right now is not for something that's happening to you, it's the result of a bad decision in the past. You have the CHOICE of what to do next!

Enough soapbox...

a link to a better YouTube video of this song but not embedable:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgiZz-aqheU

Anna's Wiki Page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Nalick

Her official page (there's new music coming soon)
http://www.annanalick.com/

A link to her accoustic version of the Red Hot Chili Pepper's Breaking the Girl
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBjo_s6Ag3k

So Shine ON... we're all waiting!

Speaking Words of Wisdom

2010-12-16T11:18:00.001-05:00

when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me

An interpretation of the meaning of this song according to a lyric site...this seems to be one of the more popular theories...

PAUL circa-1994: "One night during this tense time I had a dream I saw my mum, who'd been dead ten years or so. And it was great to see her because that's a wonderful thing about dreams, you actually are reunited with that person for a second... In the dream she said, 'It'll be alright.' I'm not sure if she used the words 'Let it be' but that was the gist of her advice, it was 'Don't worry too much, it will turn out okay.' It was such a sweet dream I woke up thinking, 'Oh, it was really great to visit with her again.' I felt very blessed to have that dream."

Sweet Dreams to ALL!

Let it Be

Separate the Sorrow...

2010-12-14T10:31:00.001-05:00

separate the sorrows and collect up all the cream

the Wiki Page for the song, originally sung in the 1971 version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Candy_Man

The Wiki page for Sammy Davis Jr. who was an amazing man.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sammy_Davis,_Jr.

When Sammy was married to May Britt interracial marriages were still illegal in 31 states. Sammy was left of the invite of the inaugural ball, hosted by Frank Sinatra because of this. Sammy was later invited to sleep over at the White House by President Nixon and is believed to be the first African American to be invited to do so.

He has won a Grammy and an Emmy and been nominated for a Golden Globe and a Tony.

The Rat Pack was originally known as the Clan but changed because Sammy objected because it was too similar to the Ku Klux Klan.

There are many more interesting facts about this great entertainer, born in Harlem and died in Beverly Hills, who first toured at age 3. He died the same day as Jim Henson, creator of the Muppets.

If you're so inclined, here's another link to an amazing video of Sammy that brings a tear to my eye... after TEN years I still grieve when the dog up and died...

http://youtu.be/SMcfUjIguSs

In your honor today, Samuel Davis Jr., I am going to make myself a groovy lemon pie...

and I just might even eat the dishes.

My Tender Fantasy...

2010-12-08T14:32:00.000-05:00

Love me true

This has to be one of the most loving sensitive ballads ever written. Elvis Presley had the most amazing voice and this song showcases him perfectly.

I love the way it begs and states at the same. This song should be played in the middle of every argument and epitomizes what love should strive to be.

It was followed on my iPod, ironically enough, by this Ludacris song.

in the pouring rain...

Different songs but not necessary that far apart. True love comes in many colors and flavors. In some ways, it is every bit as romantic.

Two sides of the same coin....

"Some times you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't..... "

Almond Joy/Mounds

The wiki link for the song Love Me Tender
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_Me_Tender_(song)

The wiki link to Ludacris' page
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ludacris

Both pages have some interesting insight....

like the fact that it was standard procedure for Elvis to receive a 50% writing credit to any song he sang. The other 50% of Love Me Tender was given to the producers wife. When asked why, the producer replied:

She had nothing to do with writing this song either.

Pretty funny.

Enjoy them both.

Gray Morning

2010-12-01T10:21:00.000-05:00

without you here there is less to say

I woke up to a chilly December morning. Chilly meaning 70 here in FL. It had rained overnight and the morning gray hasn't burned off yet. It reminds me of Maine.

This was the shuffle song and it grabbed my heart.

The singer/songwriter is one of my favorites. He was the front man for Men At Work, an Aussie band from the early 80's.

My iPod includes several of his acoustic songs and I hope to get the chance to see him perform live someday.

Here's his WikiPage
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colin_Hay

and his official page
http://www.colinhay.com/

This song reminds me of a girl I miss

BuBBly...

2010-11-29T10:27:00.000-05:00

when you kiss my nose, the feeling shows

This song is for my Rotty... Osceola.

If you don't know me, then you don't know that I was blessed with the world's most "non-people-friendly" dog known to man for 17 years. My shepherd Czar, whose ashes still rest on my nightstand, went almost everywhere with me. He saw my ups and downs and everything in between. This hundred pound dog lived in a townhouse condo with me. He got dragged around to volleyball tournaments. He endured an awful marriage with me.

Imagine 17 years... late twenties to early forties...

think of all the things we go through in that time period. He endured relationships, jobs, different homes, friends, and hardships. I will never forget this dog. Watching him grow old and eventually needing to be put down was the hardest thing I've ever had to endure....

So why Bubbly?

It's because my new "puppy" has become such a joy.

He's a rescue who was found wondering the streets. He was afraid of people and it took ten days to corral him. He showed signs of abuse and weighed in around 45 lbs when he was coerced by an angel. He eventually ended up with me and he's grown into quite the animal.

He now weighs in over 100lbs and has become the world's biggest lapdog. He makes me smile EVERY SINGLE DAY. The vet has determined he is somewhere between 4-6 years old and I've had him now for 2 years. He learns new things constantly.

He sleeps with me.

He's my alarm clock.... FAITHFULLY.

He has recently taken to standing at the bedroom doorway and staring at me until I tell him it's ok to go to bed.

He absolutely loves his Mom-Mom and he loves his walks.

It is impossible not to smile at him when he prances!

He's my favorite horse.....

cuz he's BuBBly!

Hostage-O

2010-11-24T10:38:00.002-05:00

All you have to do is ask, I'll be happy to say yes

I must confess, the song that came up on shuffle was not this one. The one that did come up is also included at the bottom of this post.

When it comes to Warren Zevon there is a good chance that you will hit one of his songs at least once every hour on my iPod. I'm a huge fan and the stories I can tell about my relationship with his music would take me hours to relate.

Let me try to be brief.

I've heard Warren play on several occasions. I've been a fan of his through his ups and downs. I bought cassettes in bargain bins, albums the day they came out when I'm pretty sure no one knew he even had new music, I've followed his career up until the day he passed away of mesothelioma. I believe he was a troubled genius who was destined not to be realized in his time. I was in the second row for his last live performance on the Late Show with David Letterman, one in which he was the only guest. If you slow the VH1 special down real slow, you'll see me at the backstage door standing in the rain with less than a dozen people waiting to shake his hand.

Why the change in song from what came up on shuffle?

As I was searching YouTube for videos I happened to come across this one which happens to be from the Theater of Living Arts in Philadelphia and I noticed the date was March 17, 2000 (St. Patty's Day) and I realized that I was at this show.

The TLA was an old movie theater that they had ripped the seats out of. It was not all that nice at the time (they have since renovated it and made it a little nicer). At the time there were no seats, tables, or waitress service. You just kinda stood around and waited for the act. My wife (at the time) and I met friends there and got there early enough to stand two feet from Warren. He has a long introduction to this song as it is his sequel to Poor Poor Pitiful Me.

I'm amazed at how quiet it was during the song.

I remember that night he did a great version of Hand of Fate from the Rolling Stones. The show was outstanding and I will never forget it.

Pretty cool to stumble onto this audio.

Here's the video of the song that actually came up on shuffle...which was written about David Crosby...

Here's Warren's wiki page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warren_Zevon

and his official page where you can sign a petition to get him into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame:
http://www.warrenzevon.com/

When asked by Letterman what he had learned in his battle with terminal cancer, Warren replied "Enjoy every sandwich."

I agree.

I was AFRAID...

2010-11-23T10:11:00.001-05:00

at first...

Seriously, how does one NOT feel empowered with this song?

I will always associate this song with the movie The Replacements.

I love the intro of this song in the movie by Orlando Jones.

" At first I was afraid....

long pause.....

I was petrified. "

... Clifford Franklin

Second Wind

2010-11-21T11:34:00.001-05:00

wait in that corner until that breeze blows in

Billy Joel was asked to write this song to bring awareness to and prevention of teenage suicide. He donated all the royalties from it to suicide prevention. He admitted that he once attempted suicide as a teen.

The wiki page has a cool fact about the original video as well. Apparently the young boy in the video later grew up to be one of the hosts of MythBusters.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You're_Only_Human_(Second_Wind)

The the lines from the song:

You're having a hard time and lately you don't feel so good
You're getting a bad reputation in your neighborhood
It's alright, it's alright
Sometimes that's what it takes

You're only human, you're allowed to make your share of mistakes
You better believe there will be times in your life
When you'll be feeling like a stumbling fool
So take it from me you'll learn more from your accidents
Than anything that you could ever learn at school

Don't forget your second wind
Sooner of later you'll get your second wind

It's not always easy to be living in this world of pain
You're gonna be crashing into stone walls again and again
It's alright, it's alright
Though you feel your heart break
You're only human, you're gonna have to deal with heartache

Just like a boxer in a title fight
You got to walk in that ring all alone
You're not the only one who's made mistakes
But they're the only thing that you can truly call your own
Don't forget your second wind
Wait in that corner until that breeze blows in

You've been keeping to yourself these days
Cause you're thinking everything's gone wrong
Sometimes you just want to lay down and die
That emotion can be so strong
But hold on
Till that old second wind comes along

You probably don't want to hear advice from someone else
But I wouldn't be telling you if I hadn't been there myself

It's alright, it's alright
Sometimes that's all it takes
We're only human
We're supposed to make mistakes

But I survived all those long lonely days
When it seemed I did not have a friend
Cause all I needed was a little faith
So I could catch my

My thoughts:

Billy Joel is an inspiration to me...
because if that toad-looking sap can score some sweet model love....there's hope for all us "not so beautiful" people (No offense Billy)

My three favorite lines are :

Like a boxer in a title fight, you got to walk in that ring all alone

Pretty powerful image. We all fight the good fight and we all have the power to dig down and be Rocky. Life kicks ALL of us in some way or another, and we all have the Rocky stamina in us... sometimes you just need the right John Williams' music to catch that chicken.

Wait in that corner until that breeze blows in

Sometimes you just have to sit on the stool and catch your breath. Imagine if you were a knight with the flu and had to go fight a dragon, you probably wouldn't stand much of a chance now would ya? So realize that sometime you just have to wait out the flu and fight when you're ready. There's no shame in that. It's just smart!

Cause all I needed was a little faith

This one is a favorite because I am an agnostic. I believe every man's religious beliefs are his own. But that does not mean I don't have faith. Faith is an amazing thing. We all have some kind of purpose, sometimes we just don't get to realize it in our time.

A good read:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_People_You_Meet_in_Heaven

The Bride

2010-11-19T08:19:00.000-05:00

If the groom would've known, he'd have had a fit

"A memory of true love is like a favorite song; No matter how many times it plays again, You never get tired of it."

This song evokes memories of a blue-green Ford Fairlane 500, chasing skirts, smiles, laughter, and a time when there were no cares in the world.

This song was released in 1983 on the album Too Low for Zero by Elton John. I remember being naive back then. Freddy Mercury was still alive and I had no idea what AIDS was and had absolutely NO "gaydar". Now I find it a testament to the bliss of ignorance of a teenager. Everyone at that age thinks they know the true meaning of everything and now I look back and see that I really knew very little and it makes me smile. Ain't life grand!

Today I have to look back and ponder...

what was Elton thinking when he sang the line...

"if the groom woulda known he'd have had a fit...
about his wife and the things we did....."

Did he mean shopping?

I dedicate this today to a girl named Jen who just happens to be getting married today. It's a fun song and carefree... just like a wedding should be!

Enjoy it Little!

Choked Up

2010-11-18T14:29:00.001-05:00

the Home of the Brave

This version comes from the 1983 NBA All Star Game. I remember watching it live on TV at the time and I remember thinking to myself that there would never ever be a finer version of this song done.

There's several interesting videos out there that relate to this event. In 2004, The anthem was sung by Marvin Gaye's daughter Nona with a large video screen of Marvin behind her. It was a memorable duet. There are also several other videos featuring Marvin singing tamer versions at NFL games and MLB games. He sang at the request of Tiger broadcasting great Ernie Harwell for game 4 of the 1968 World Series and did a more traditional version only to be followed on the following night by a non-traditional version sung by Jose Feliciano. It caused quite a stir. It is available here:

Jose Feliciano at the World Series

Feliciano was asked to repeat his performance this past May. The story and the video is worth the 2 minute watch.

As most of us know, Marvin Gaye was tragically shot to death by his father on April 1, 1983, less than two months after performing the anthem. Some facts you may not know. He died the day before his birthday. He was shot with the gun he gave his father for protection. The previous year he had staged a major comeback and won the first two Grammys of his career for Sexual Healing. Marvin's father received only 5 years probation for the shooting after it was determined he was beaten by his son before the shooting.

You can read much more about Marvin on his Wiki page:

Marvin_Gaye

Drop Kick Me Jesus

2010-11-17T14:48:00.001-05:00

I've got the will Lord if you've got the toe

The wiki page for Grammy award winner Bobby Bare who recorded the song:

Bobby Bare

This song itself was released in 1976 and nominated for a Grammy. It was used in a great bar scene from the movie The Deer Hunter.

I was introduced to the music of Bobby Bare by my good friend Jeff Orr in high school. We spent lots of time drinking to his music and he could very well be responsible for the enjoyment I have for country music. Thanks Jeff!

This particular version has a third verse which isn't included on my iPod but may soon replace the version I do have.

Enjoy it football fans.

We had Joy!

2010-11-16T12:54:00.004-05:00

"The stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach"

The band is Me First and the Gimme Gimmes. The song is Seasons in the Sun.

Here's the band.

And their Wiki page. the Wiki link

The Song:

The Wiki Page for the Song
Seasons_in_the_Sun Wiki page

Some little known facts gathered from the page. The song was a no.1 hit for Terry Jacks in 1974. The B-side is a song called "Put the Bone in". He released it right after his wife left him. It was previously recorded by the Beach Boys and left off their latest album. The song was originally written by a Belgian singer songwriter. It has been covered by many people in many different languages, including Vietnamese. The song is actually a goodbye.

Shuffle

2010-11-15T11:02:00.014-05:00

Oh Snap!

This is what came up on my iPod while I was walking the dog this morning.

Here's a link to his homepage which includes links to future appearances and a bio.

http://www.bizmarkie.com/

There's also videos of his Radio Shack and Heineken commercials.

and then there's this too....

This little doll comes in the cereal box packaging and is available thru the webpage store only....
for $150 each!

Here's a link to the Wikipedia page.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biz_Markie

There's a lot of interesting facts that I didn't know including the fact that Biz Markie was one of the first rappers sued for "sampling" without giving credit to the original artist. He was sued by Gilbert O' Sullivan for sampling his hit Alone Again (Naturally) on his track I Need a Haircut. He eventually had to pull the record until the rights were cleared. The suit set a legal precedent for the emerging rap industry.

On a personal note, this song has special meaning for me because it has become a favorite of my niece and I. We sing it loud and very offkey... and of course we giggle like the children we are.

Beer Ten Thousand

2009-09-08T13:13:00.006-04:00

Beer number 10,000 was a Michelob Ultra.

After enduring a rainout and a double header with less than spectacular sales, we finally made it to Thirsty Thursday. The magic number had been reduced to 29 and it was a given that it would happen today. 29 beers on a $2 Thursday would be easy as pie… sweet delicious pie.

My sister had rounded up her friends and we were definitely going to finally put this milestone behind me.

The staff was ready and had put together an announcement.

The fans were ready as I was constantly approached with “did you do it yet?”

The ushers were all aware and ready for it to happen.

Shaun in the kitchen was following along to see who it was going to be.

The GNO girls were buying beers trying to be the one.

My best customer Paul didn’t care if it was him… I’m pretty sure he has bought a thousand off me this year and deserves an award himself.

Another great pair of customers Ray and Kari bought four trying to be the one…

They were close.

I was choked up when I sold it. It seemed perfectly fitting that the couple who bought it was celebrating their 26th wedding anniversary. They told me they had been out to the park for Thirsty Thursday before and had even bought beer from me on occasion. I’m sorry to say I didn’t remember them… but I will from now on.

It was raining and the field was drenched. It was also fitting that the game was eventually rained out and I was soaked to the bone. After the rain out, I made my round of regular bars but none of my regular bartenders were working and my favorite crew at Friday’s were all out of commission due to their bar championships earlier in the day, so I ended the day all alone telling my story to a nice couple of fill-in bartenders from Fort Myers. They were very nice and even gave me a little crown to celebrate. I overtipped on the way out.

It left me some quiet time to reflect on the year and the milestone that was reached. I can’t believe it went so fast. It has been a great year of selling beer for a great organization. Ripken baseball has hired all the right people for each and every job. It has been a joy dealing with customers and I really can’t remember more than a handful of unhappy patrons.

Tomorrow is the first playoff game in the team’s history. It may well be the last game of the season as the remaining two games are on the road. I’m sure it will come and go with little fanfare but after the game I will take a moment to watch them hose down the mound and sweep clean the basepaths, like I usually do. I will sit quietly as the cleaning crew does the final cleaning of the year and I will watch the cathedral slip quietly into silence. I will sell my final beer of the season to myself and I will wait patiently for Spring Training to start in February.

Thank you to everyone who made the year a memorable one. Thank you Joe Hart for being a great GM and putting out a product we can be proud of. Thank you Nick for being an awesome boss, who kicked me when I needed kicked and patted me on the back when no-one else did. Thank you to EVERY one of the ushers who were all an awesome group of people. They made every lap around the stadium fun. I will miss you all and hope that you will come and see me at the Broad Street Bar. Thanks to all the kitchen staff and runners/servers. We all worked together in the heat of the commissary and made it through the war as a team. Thanks to the parking crew who made me smile as I strolled in late. Thanks to the crew in the store, the bartenders in the tiki bar, the ticket office, the interns whose names I never learned but consider friends nonetheless.

I’d also like to thank Broad Street Bar and Grill/Treasure Lanes for donating a gift certificate to patron 10K, as did TGIFridays. I’d also like to thank Peace River Distributing and Budweiser for their donation. I’d like to thank Leslie and Eric Gowdy for donating a round of golf at KingsGate and Waterlefe, and of course the Charlotte County Stone Crabs and Ripken Baseball for giving me the opportunity to sell 10,000 beers.
Thank You Dan and Bobbie Durso from North Port!

I decided to give a little back by donating all of my tips on the last game of the season to Dollars for Mammograms, a non-profit charity which supplies mammograms for under and non-insured women of Charlotte County. It has been a favorite charity of my sister and the girls of GNO, who have always been supportive in everything I do.
It worked out well as tips were very good for the day. The charity was happy and I felt good. I was especially touched by those who gave money without buying anything. I was however a tad bit “uneasy” about the number of people who said I looked good in my pink shirt. Maybe it would have been better if more of them were women and not men? Personally, I felt like the big pink elephant in the room…

Pretty in Pink?

A Few Good Beers

2009-08-19T16:12:00.003-04:00

What a busy week this could be.

For those of you who aren’t in constant touch with me, here’s a brief explanation of where I happen to be in this wacky world of Fungus/Beerman/Davey.

I was blessed enough to get the opportunity once again to be the mobile beverage dispenser at Charlotte County Stadium, not just for the local minor league Charlotte Stone Crabs but also for the AL champion Tampa Bay Rays. Some days I have help from the professional vendors from the Trop in Tampa, but most days it’s just me.

If you’ve been to a game this year, you’ve seen me. So far, I’ve missed only one game, and the day following that game I was bombarded with so many complaints about taking the day off, that I knew it would be my only one. No worries… because I am a trooper. Besides, on my off day, I missed the park as much as it missed me.

The weather has not proved as cooperative as it could be for this inaugural season. I’ve spent many days soaking wet yelling through the raindrops and I’ve been drenched most nights either from humidity or precipitation. I’ve spent every night following a game doing laundry, since I only have one shirt. We’ve seen some extremely hot days and have had our share of older fans overcome by heat, but that’s all part of the price to live in Paradise.

Sound like a fun job?

I love it.

I love everything about it. I love feeling tired at the end of the day. I love trying to make everyone happy and providing an atmosphere where the fans feel like they’ve gotten entertained and not cheated out of their hard earned dollars. I love the staff. I love the regulars. I love the ballpark.

Part of my duty (yes Box… I said duty) is to keep track of my sales. My paycheck is commission based and therefore calculated from the totals. In case you were wondering, YES… I DO ACCEPT TIPS! I know beers are pricey at $5 each but I do have a large dog to feed. Anyway, this means that from Day 1 of Spring Training I’ve had my beer total noted on my calendar. One day a while back I got curious and decided to add it all up.

I was amazed by the sum.

Some time in this upcoming homestand, barring a hurricane or plague, I will sell beer number 10,000.

Ten thousand bottles of beer…

Think about that for a while.

160,000 ounces… 413 cases… 1,250 gallons… 83 half barrels?… 10,000 bottle caps twisted off…

10,000 mostly happy people.

I remember some of the good ones and some of the bad ones too. Some have fallen to the ground and been replaced. Some have been to family and close friends. Some have been to weathered veterans and even a couple to a stripper on her 21st birthday (bought by her mother). Many have been to regulars who buy at almost every game and many were to people I met once and will probably never see again.

But EVERY one was a joy…

Even the difficult ones with no tip.

I’ll post the running total in the side bar so you can all follow along. I’m planning on taking a camera that day and writing a press release celebrating beer 10k so everyone will know when it is and who buys it.

Thanks to all involved.

Stay tuned for the next blog where I’ll be promoting the grand opening of the Broad Street Bar and Grill, a new deck bar in town that has decided it’s in their best interest to hire two fat guys to bartend.

Honestly… what could they have been thinking???

The grand opening party is all weekend August 28 to 30. Come on out!

FYI… the tagline at the bar says it all.

NOTE: I had to remove and reinstall the poll due to the fact that the moron who developed it could not spell. If you voted and it doesn't appear, please vote again.

Perspective

2009-08-13T03:40:00.007-04:00

Tonight’s post has a lot to do with the ballpark. It was a busy Wed. night…. Not according to management, or ticket takers or ushers or parking… but it was a good night to me. Apparently we had beer drinkers.

I like beer drinkers. They are happy… for the most part.

Yesterday I caught my second foul ball. I felt bad and gave it to the guy I stole it from. It’s not the ball that gets me; it’s the thrill of the athletic ability to time the catch.

No one at this park knows that I once played in a state championship… that I should have played in college… that I could have played at this level…

Perspective.

Tonight our home team blew a 3-1 lead in the ninth. I bought our pitching coach a beer afterwards, because I knew he thought it was his fault we lost, but more so because I just like him. He felt like he was to blame because it was his decision to put in the new guy… 3-1 lead in the ninth….

Perspective.

I love the park. I love my job.

I meet so many fun people. I meet interns who are just getting out of college and working for peanuts. I meet people trying to climb the ladder into major league baseball. I meet young girls chasing future stars. I meet fans, trying to get autographs. I meet …

Everyone.

And I love it.

Perspective.

I tried to tell Bill our pitching coach that for every one we lose… we win one we shouldn’t have. That’s life too. Sometimes it just doesn’t matter what choice you make…

One of my favorite lines from a movie is from Remember the Titans…

Coach Boone’s wife says, “Sometimes life is hard, for no reason at all”

That’s perspective.

And sometimes… we just get that good day. We get the rainbow. We get to see the osprey fly into the left field lightpost carrying a fish. We see the awesome catch and the comeback.

Perspective…

When I was in high school I lived close to my high school. I never missed a day of high school and I was the first one there every day, mainly because I love my friends… they are my family.
I remember driving to the school one afternoon and sitting in left field, past the foul pole, all alone. I remember thinking (at 18) if I was ever to be buried somewhere, this would be it. They had just mowed the grass and it was heaven. There was a grove of three evergreens there and the view overlooked the valley.
I am now almost 30 years older and I had that same feeling tonight. After the game, the cleaning crew sees me sitting in the stands and we joke and laugh about making me leave and go home… but to me…

it’s all perspective….

Some of the people I have met when I played ball in high school are still friends of mine that read this blog… and some of the new friends who read this I will have just met this year… but they are all friends.

And good ones at that.

Perspective.

Yes… we lost tonight, but I feel lucky because I seem to win every night.

Happy birthday Dawn, I luv ya Keith, I miss ya Big Jim, You are the best bartender (without a doubt Mary), Go Vols (for Nick), I’ve been crushing on you for 30 years Kim, Thanks Ray for ending Beercott 2009, Stick with the school Box, Luv ya Sis and Nipper and GNO and this could go on and on…

And this was supposed to be a post about getting to beer 10,000 at the park…

To be continued?

I’ll end with a picture.

This was a regular when I was working for the Redfish. I remember him because he always smiled and he was always happy. His name was Jay and he always had his boy JJ with him…
He was killed in a car accident a couple weeks back.
I did not know him all that well, and he probably only knew me as beerman… yet it has me in tears because he was a good soul and I miss him.

Perspective.

The Perfect Redneck Moment

2009-07-12T21:42:00.004-04:00

A sign from above said it was time.

I’ve been blocked for months.

Oh, I have had plenty to write about but just haven’t felt the proper motivation…

Until today.

I’ve had plenty of stories to tell…

I’m back doing what I love (selling beer at the ballpark); I’m still doing all kinds of silly things while drinking beer with Box. We’ve traveled across the country, from Washington to St. Augustine in a 22 foot truck full of furniture, complete with awesome pictures from Mt. Rushmore, Budweiser in St. Louis, Sturgis, the Corn Palace in Iowa, GRACELAND (capitalized for reverence), Beale St., New Orleans, and even a Testicle Festival sign in Wyoming.

I’ve met celebrities like Cal Ripken Jr. and Jamie Lee Presley.

I’ve rescued a Rottweiler who has bitten me, bitten Box, has irritable bowl syndrome, and eats 50 lbs. of dog food every three weeks.

I’ve taken a second job as a bartender, had a girlfriend for awhile, been back and forth to PA several times, shared the World Champion Phillies experience with friends in Philly, shared the AL Champion Rays experience and Spring Training with Tampa Bay Rays players, seen parades, printed shirts, sold shirts, had 4 ft of grass in my yard to mow, sold beer to 7,000 people, won a Dead Pool, made new friends, found old friends, made more new friends….

You get the picture.

All this things were blogworthy, yet they did not inspire me to write again…

Until today.

I got to the Broad Street Bar and Grill at 1PM. Box is working the bar, tending solo for the first time. He was there for me yesterday, when I soloed for the first time, and I would be there for him for the duration of his inaugural run at the rail. We were working on developing our new signature shot, the Jelly Donut (what else would two fat guys have as a shot?) Needless to say, I tried to keep him busy by keeping me oiled to make the time fly. Luckily we also had two Mexicans to help us stay entertained by playing Mexican heavy metal and Mexican polka music (think Chicken Dance… they did ironically order chicken wings!)

Afterwards we were going to TGIFridays for an outdoor fundraising event. The event was held in the parking lot, following a motorcycle run and all our favorite bartenders from Friday’s were working in some capacity or another. Our buddy RayRay was playing in the band. He even dedicated a song to us, with a story behind it. We had coerced the girls in the crowd to scream Simple Man because it’s his signature song but he’s grown weary of playing it. Why would you tell us this RayRay?

As we sat in the back of the crowd quietly laughing at everyone around us (don’t judge us, it’s not personal), we began to notice the tattoos.

Our bartending buddy Mike… also known to us as Pac cuz he thinks he’s gansta and we gave him the nickname Tu-4-one Pac. (Don’t tell him because he doesn’t know yet)… just got a new tattoo. He has a “Made in Newark” tattoo and recently added an Ace Frehley to go with his Paul Stanley in his ongoing KISS arm sleeve.

In front of us, I notice on the left calf of an older gentleman, the Earnhardt number 3. I am a NASCAR fan and this tattoo is not uncommon in the state of Florida, nor do I necessarily think it’s all that redneck.

I didn’t say it wasn’t redneck… just not ALL that redneck.

But…

I then noticed that it contained the Groodwrench logo above it (Dale’s sponsor) and the word Sr. underneath it.

Then I saw the right calf contained the red #8 with the Budweiser logo above and Jr. written underneath it.

Not enough to make me write…

Sure… I pointed it out to Box and we laughed about it… until I noticed his left arm had a tattoo of a snook on it. For those that don’t know, a snook is a local Florida fish.

We are well on our way to a true redneck.

Can it get better?

Yes… right arm… a grouper… (another local fish).

We are on our way to the perfect redneck moment.

David Allen Coe sings a song called the perfect country song. In it the author claims to have written the perfect country song, to which Coe refutes his claim because the song does not contain anything about his mama, prison, a pickup trick, or being drunk in the rain. He adds a verse and it becomes the perfect country song… if you’ve never heard it, download it.

I am trying to describe the perfect redneck moment.

We were trying to get a picture on Box’s camera phone but the resolution and lighting would not have done it justice… so I will attempt to describe it.

It is in my opinion, the perfect redneck picture of the perfect redneck moment.

Frame:

Older gentleman, shorts, tattered white tee shirt containing a Confederate flag, baseball cap (flag design… These Colors Don’t Run), dark sunglasses…

Nascar and fish tattoos.

The band is playing David Allen Coe’s perfect country song. They have just gotten to the line “I was drunk, the day my mom, got out of prison.”

In the background there is a young woman who is 9 and one half months pregnant. The indentation is still on her belly button from the portion of the cord they neglected to remove from the last toddler she gave birth to approximately nine months and a day earlier.

She is wearing a shirt that says Sexy on it…

She is smoking a cigarette.

She is smiling to reveal her missing tooth.

Next to her is a woman holding a small infant, who is catching the exhaled smoke.

In the far background, you can see a decked out Harley from the ride.

In the foreground, you can see yellow caution tape blocking off the parking lot.

My perfect Redneck photo would have to contain audio, not just for the twang of the Perfect Country Song, but for the words that Box leaned over and said into my ear, which made this the Perfect Redneck Moment.

“Dude...

I think that baby’s retarded.”

You may all thank Box for making the perfect redneck moment to inspire me back to this blog after almost a year.

Come do it in person at the new outdoor bar which he and I will be ‘tending, adjoined to Treasure Lanes in Port Charlotte. (The Broad St. Bar and Grill… opening soon…stay tuned!)

I am determined to add a new Facebook, Myspace and blog for the bar so you can all be virtual regulars. We are also in the planning stages of the grand opening in which we hope to include music from RayRay, Bruno, et.al and a kick-ass party. You will all be invited.
Circa end of August.

Comment me on this and keep me motivated to tell you the stories of the cross country trip and post the hundreds of pictures, including Box riding a giant bunny and me drooling at the Budweiser plant and posing with ClydesDale Earnhardt.

It’s good to be back!

I KNOW I KNOW (geez... I have a life ya know!)

2008-09-12T14:02:00.003-04:00

Hi there boys and girls.

I had a post written awhile back and all it needed were the pictures added.

Then I wanted to change it to a new idea.

Then I got drunk.

Box too.

Now, I am juggling a bunch of things right now, but I will have a new one up by Monday BECAUSE... I'm flying out on TUESDAY.

That means all you PA peeps who read me need to contact me and schedule your drinking time.

The trip to OBX leaves Friday and returns the following Saturday.

YOU KNOW there will be plenty of posts from that trip!!!

And yes...

There is a layover on this flight!

and yes...

I have not booked the return flight...

C'mon...

I'd only cancel it anyway

Keep checking and thanks for reading.

Take the poll at the bottom!

Back in the FL

2008-08-15T14:28:00.029-04:00

To all you that voted that I wouldn't leave PA…

YOU'RE WRONG!!
My flight back was a great one. Someone remind me to send an email to http://www.usa3000.com/ and comment on how great their service is. They got me into town 40 minutes early. They beat United by a good 15 hours!
Anyway, being back in town has put me right back under the gun again. I was able to get to Damsel's birthday party, although 'Box and I ruined the surprised by stopping in on Wed. after a couple buckets and wings at the ex-Jet kickers place (if he wants me to use the name, I gots to get paid!).
The party went well and led to a couple more days of a whirlwind tour of "welcome back to town", complete with some kind of monkey jello shots at the Nav-A Gator (they don't have to pay me!).
Since there's so much to relay… it's on to the funny.

First, here's a picture of my volleyball team from the Rumble back in June. Yes, this is the team that let this old man walk off the court playing in the highest division, in the biggest tourney on the east coast, making the playoffs and beating a team of 18yo's 15-1. We forfeited our spot in the playoffs due to the 3 hour wait for them to start. Old muscles seem to stiffen when they are forced to sit that long. Besides, it was well passed beer-thirty and we had already proven that we could still play one last time. I was so proud that after a 6 year layoff I didn't embarrass myself and also so proud of my teammates that they put up with this fat, slow old man. I have pictures of me in motion that will remain "un-blogged" at this time. Anyway, thanks guys.
Next… Here is what I've been doing in PA. For those of you that don't know, I was one half of a company known as Cherrystone Graphics. We were a textile silkscreening company that had very good success printing for the AVP (beach volleyball) and the NLL (pro lacrosse). We also did work for QVC (a home shopping channel) and ran our own line of volleyball apparel (VB Bones). There are way too many stories to even start this subject in this forum, so I will just say it was a great experience that I will always remember.
My partner in crime at CG is Dubya. When I'm in PA and he has work (he still dabbles part time, having since moved into the technology field) he will set me up back behind the "wheels of steel" and allow me to produce his wonderful designs.
Here are just a few.
Having been in the "t-shirt" business for quite the while, here are some designs I would have liked to have produced! They are collected from http://www.snorgtees.com/ and http://www.tshirthell.com/.
These ALL apply to me.

Strategically printed low

Just plain funny

For Mr. and Mrs. Rhythm

For my friend Cinderella, who lives in Idaho, miss ya 'Pea!

For 'Box!

Not PC?

Three from T-Shirt Hell's Baby Hell

The last one will lead me into 'Box and I's next foray into funny. It is taken from a scene in Talladega Nights where Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly are improv-ing saying Grace. They argue over how to picture Jesus and one of John C. Reilly's visions starts with "I like to picture Jesus wearing a tuxedo t-shirt".

This scene has gotten 'Box and I to start texting each other with random thoughts on IL2PJ… (I like to picture Jesus)
Here's a teaser…
My favorite from 'Box…
IL2PJ as a mediocre bass player in a Foghat cover band.
His favorite from me…
IL2PJ as a senator from the great state of Milwaukee
Let me know if you think this idea is funny. I think it's hilarious but I've been called offbeat before.
Here's some more from the list of un-PC album titles:
Eric Clapton: Open Window
Freddy Mercury: Full Blown
Nancy Wilson: The Titanic Soundtrack
Santana: Up On the Roof
Karen Carpenter: All Out of Lunch
Earth, Wind, and Fire: Hurricane Katrina
Phil Spector: My Aim is True
Pussycat Dolls: Tunnels of Love
James Brown: Under a Good Foot
James Brown: Poppa's Got a Brand New Body Bag
Snoop Dogg: Weedin' with a Ho'
Boy George: You'll Be a Woman Soon
Vince Neill: Grabacab
Michael Jackson: My Roots are on Fire
Michael Jackson: Smokin' in the Boys Room
Kurt Cobain: Shooting My Mouth Off
Aretha Franklin: MacArthur Pork
Madonna: Yankin' the Rod
Johnny Cash, Jerry Garcia, Elvis, & Freddy Fender: Box Set.

Any of those funny?

Here's a picture of Breezy's rugrats. It was used in an advertisement for their dentist (I think it was the dentist.)

And last but not least….
Sitting at the rail, Box and I discussed…
If we were going to the Olympics, what country would we represent?
First the easy ones…

Turkey
Chile
Hungary
Greece

Then came the creative…

Tawain-on
Lickinstein
Largemenistan
Fatvia
Norweigh
Largentina
The Sandwich Islands
Isle of Mode
Bellyrus
Crowateya
El Salivador

Or my fav…
Mayonnaisia
Please take the time to add any and scroll down to vote on your favorite one!
Hope you enjoyed!
Coming next blog… more IL2PJs and we will be discussing exactly WHICH Olympic events we will participate in..
Beached Volleyball?
Stay tuned!

Crab Salad

2008-08-02T21:47:00.011-04:00

Good Morning…

Or is it?

I know I promised to write once a day while I was house sitting and of course I have not.

It’s a shame there isn’t a professional league for procrastinators… I would be the Manny Ramirez of it.

Oh Wait….NEWS FLASH.

Manny’s been traded.

Manny is now a member of the Atlanta Thrashers of the NHL.

Manny and Joe Torre, manager of the LA Dodgers:

J: Manny, we need you to play left field.
M: WHAAAAAAT?
J: Manny, left field.
M: WHAAAAAAT?
J: Go out and play left field Manny.
M: OKAAAAAY.

A candidate for the Hall of Fame fo’ sho’!

It’s been a less than stellar morning for me here today. It’s the end of the month and bill-paying time. Strike one.

This week I have lost the tiniest of screws out of two sets of glasses, bent a third pair and snapped a fourth. When it comes to glasses I am CURSED like no other. If you add together what I’ve spent in my lifetime so far on glasses, it would be enough money to buy the NY Yankees. (OK, maybe it just feels like it to me.)

Anyone with good vision want to call me and listen to the anger in my voice when it comes to discussing the frustration of trying to rescrew a mini-millimeter screw back into the hole with a butter knife while holding together the pieces of two flimsy ends of the frame and trying to keep the glass part where it needs to be?

And of course, I’m doing this while I can see absolutely NOTHING.

E-mail me for a list of obscenities that have spewn forth when the screw lands on the kitchen floor which already has 80,000 little pieces of other crap on it and an intricate pattern to boot. It’s mandatory that the foul verbiage continues constantly while I’m on my hands and knees panning for the screw. It is homage to my late grandfather who taught me the value of swearing at inanimate objects and continuously doing it until the item was found, fixed, or broken beyond repair. I’m pretty sure he made up combinations of swear words that would still amaze a dockworker. I remember my beloved old hound running to hide under the coffee table every time I broke out the tool box. He knew what was coming. Eyeglasses… strike two.

I’m missing SuperDarlin’s birthday this week AND gonna miss the yearly anniversary of Damsel’s birth next week. I HATE that I’m not going to be back home for this...I mean I REALLY HATE THIS ONE.
I miss all the people back in FL but since I had the opportunity to work here in PA I had to take it… and that SUCKS. Work should NEVER get in the way of what is truly important in life. I miss seeing my buddy Ray and seeing his newborn grow. I miss the Nipper…BADLY.
I miss WonderTwin and the gals, especially Not So Innocent Jill and Pool Diva.

Let’s add to this the facts that LunchBox is now out of a job and may be moving out of the area, the newfound throbbing in my right ear that I can hear nothing out of, the fact that I have had to care for 2 cats every morning and night this week, the fact that my good buddy Bob had to put down his faithful dog Gus this week which has done nothing but remind me of my faithful puppy from so long ago, and you have strikes 3 thru 10.

Let’s examine some of these things a little at a time…

If you know me… you know there is one and only one animal I will swerve to hit on the highway. It’s not quite as intense as my hatred for the University of Notre Dame but it’s close. Canned cat food is almost certainly the most disgusting thing on the face of this or any other planet. Why would anyone want to have a pet that craps in a box and makes you scoop it up…

Honestly… I’m asking.

I’m pretty sure if you were trapped in a fire, a cat would not alert the fire department nor drag you to safety. In fact, they would sit and lick themselves while you burned. They serve no purpose other than to infuriate me. I am reminded of an ex-wife.

The pain in my ear. I lost all the hearing in my right ear from an ear infection over a year ago. There may or may not be an operation to restore the hearing but it doesn’t matter since I have no insurance nor the money for such an operation. Shouldn’t basic healthcare be more important than a war thousands of miles away that claims to be protecting our oil interests but is still costing me a fortune at the pumps? Shouldn’t basic healthcare fall under the line about inalienable rights and the pursuit of happiness? It’s self-evident to me. How much different would Capitol Hill be if there were no healthcare for politicians? Would it change how things worked there?

Why can’t dogs live as long as humans? They really are one of the few things that make life bearable and should have a much longer lifespan.

RIP Gus.

Does LunchBox know how miserable life will be if he moves away? I’m not sure I can allow this to be an option.

This week our goal was to come up with the most un-PC list of album/CD titles that we could think of. It took 4 days and about 100 text messages at all hours of the day and night. We are nothing if not committed to the joke.

The list is being edited and updated and will be posted on the next blog, which will come sooner than later…YES BOX I KNOW I OWE YOU BEER!

Here are some nuggets from the Charlotte County Sun-Herald.

If you're going to steal someone else's checks, don't write the amount to yourself.

Apparently, Michael Frances Robinson didn't get the memo.

The 23-year-old Port Charlotte man was charged Wednesday with four counts of forgery and four counts of uttering a forged instrument.

The Charlotte County Sheriff's Office received a complaint in June from a man stating someone had stolen his checks and cashed them at Bank of America. The name on each check said "Michael Robinson," according to a sheriff's office report.

Robinson, of the 3800 block of Tamiami Trail, reportedly received a total of $1,350 from four checks.

Bank video of the transactions showed Robinson cashing the checks on four separate occasions, the report said.

Robinson told detectives he found the victim's checkbook in his yard, and forged the man's signature, according to the report.

Robinson is being held on $20,000 bond.

Do you think he saved a check for bail?

Report: Man brings toddler to drug deal

Authorities arrested an Englewood man who reportedly brought his 2-year-old son with him to purchase crack cocaine Monday.

The article goes on to state that because of a recently enacted law, this is now a felony and not a misdemeanor. Question, if you are stupid enough to take a child to a crack deal, is the upgrade in severity of punishment going to make you think twice before dragging said child in tow? Can’t you hear the decision making process… if I leave the child at home alone it’s just endangering and the deal is a misdemeanor… 2 misdemeanors vs. 1 felony? What to do, what to do.

I’m going to end with some funny things that I’ve accumulated in the past couple days and proceed to finalizing the non-pc list…

Here’s a teaser:

Michael Jackson: Gin and Juicy Juice

James Brown: No Longer Living in America

Amy Winehouse: Coughin’ to Coffin

R. Kelly: Golden Hits

Johnny Cash: Cashed In

Tupac: It’s a Rap

Feel free to join in!

Here’s a nice redneck tattoo.

Here’s a favorite of mine taken from Bits and Pieces.

Heath McLedger

And one more…

Why do I see Box and I replicating this silly feat!

I’ll be home before you know it Box… hang in there!

Flying Too Close to the Ground

2008-07-18T18:34:00.008-04:00

Here I am again… back in the Pennsyl of Vania.

The last blog was just hours before I left for the airport for what was supposed to be a 7AM flight.

HAHA.

Guess again.

What follows will be the account of my 16 hour journey from Fort Myers, FL to Coatesville, PA via Chicago, IL.

Yes... Chicago.

Yes... 16 hours.

No... I wasn't driving.

The flight was a frequent flyer gift from my mother’s reserve due to the need to fly in a huge hurry to attend the funeral of a friend. It was a trip I was not at all anxious to make. It was a trip I would have given pretty many things not to have occurred. It was a trip that was mandatory. So of course it was a nightmare.

The miles were on USAir, an airline I never fly if I can help it. They are rarely on time and the lost luggage stories of friends and family are long enough to fill a blog and a half.

Because USAir could not accommodate my needs, their affiliate United Airlines got the task of getting me to the chapel on time.

Here goes:

I was later than I would have liked to be getting to Fort Myers airport. I had stayed up the night before paying bills, writing a memorial blog, writing a temporary blog for here, packing, and generally taking care of all that crap that one stresses over when leaving home. Mind you, the packing was easy. I was going for a viewing, a funeral, and flying back the next day. One suit, one tie, one pair of dress pants, one collared shirt, wing-tips, one pair of shorts and two tee shirts. Socks were optional since the pants were long enough to hide their existence, but I packed a pair just on principle because my lovely PA friend Shemptini would ride me all day if I didn’t wear socks. (She’s good like that).

I packed in a large suitcase because the last time I was in PA (10 days before) I had to leave things that would not fit into my “queen of the beach” bag. I left my light-up shoes at home as well. I had hoped to bring all the things back that I had left. I took my laptop as I would never leave home without THAT.

Back to the trip… Dear Sweet Momma picks me up at 5AM… 5:07 to be exact because I told her 5:15 and I knew she would be early. She brought me a cup of coffee and a sweet roll for the trip. Traffic was light (as it should be at 5AM) but DSM will not drive over 60…ever. I was a little nervous but not much since SWFL airport is small and it was a Wed.

The drop-off is made and hugs and “I love you’s” exchanged.

Then I hit the terminal.

There was only one line and yes it was my flight. ALL other counters were abandoned. It was nearing boarding time and I still had to check in but I don’t get flustered in airports. I have flown enough to know that eventually everyone who is supposed to get on a plane WILL get on the plane. I was recently reminded of an adventure I took with a friend long ago who had terminal lung and bone cancer. He had wanted to see Wrigley Field before he died and a friend and I went along. On the return trip, we got lost, ran late, goofed off, or all of the above and checked in at ticketing rather late. I remember the words EXACTLY from the countergal.

“You boys may want to run”

My buddy and I took off a-running but our friend who had a hip replaced and was working on one good lung and used a cane was not as mobile. He said he would do his best and thought the smart thing to do would be for us to run ahead and try to hold the plane.

We ran.

When we arrived at the gate the countergal had just shut the door. We explained the situation and were told under NO circumstances would we be making this flight. We begged and pleaded with a headshake every time…

Until Mikey arrived on the tram… with his head bald from chemo and his cane in hand.

She picked up the phone.

The plane was returned to the gate to let us on. Faces were angry as my friend and I walked the aisle of shame towards the seats in the back, but they changed quite a bit after Mikey worked his way behind us. I am reminded of it when I see people quick to anger at situations where one might not have all the facts.

Anyway, back to RSW (the Fort Myers airport code). I noticed on the teeny tiny monitor that my flight, going to O’Hare in Chicago, had been bumped from 7AM to 8AM, which was a good thing since the two gentlemen working the counter checking people in were “heads or tails” to remain alive until I reached them. Honestly, I live in SWFL, where the average age approaches the temperature on any given July day. I understand that ANY line will not be moving in SWFL. This one was no exception. An Air Wisconsin gentleman was trying to help people with self check-in to try to alleviate the backup.

Side tangent… Doesn’t airfare cost enough to staff a counter? I don’t want to ring myself out at the grocery store or at Home Depot or the frickin’ airport! Will I have self haircuts next where I just pay them to use their chair and scissors? Can we go ahead and blow the extra $7/hr and hire someone? Maybe someone collecting Welfare could step in???

Anyway, after winding my way and finally getting the grand prize that was my turn at the counter, I was told that my connector in Chicago going to Philly would be missed and I would be rebooked on the next available. What was to be a half hour layover would now become two and a half. I’ve told this story enough that I don’t remember the exact times spent in each airport, but I darn sure remember the start/finish!

Because I don’t easily rattle, I took my seat assignment and boarding pass with a smile and cracked a joke to the poor septuagenarian working the counter. I had to help him with my bag even though it wasn’t full and I cracked a little joke about “how could I possibly be upset, I was headed to Philly. Any delay would be welcomed.” I think he appreciated the change of demeanor from the panic of the rest of the passengers.

Flight left… oh sometime or another… I slept pretty much from the time my butt hit the seat until the air hostess/flight attendant/stewardess/whatever they are called now woke me up to tell me the local temperature in Chicago. I wasn’t leaving the terminal. I didn’t pay attention to the temperature.

Two hours to kill in Chicago. Ok, I can do that. Every airport has a bar. Hmmm 10:30AM…little too early even for me. (sometimes!)

I found an outlet to recharge the phone. I found a wireless kiosk to connect to (didn’t work, but I wasn’t surprised). I sent 20 text messages and made a dozen phone calls. Everyone who knows me KNOWS there will be some adventure; I had to alert them all! I walked all of terminal B. I went into a couple of bookstores and contemplated lunch before my plane embarked at 1:30, but couldn’t bring myself to spend the 8 bucks for a deli sandwich made at sunup and wrapped in cellophane.

Well I thought it left at 1:30.

I found my gate and was informed that flight had since been bumped an hour later due to weather. Geez.
Now it begins. I bought a pack of chewing gum to kill the coffee/morning/sleep on the plane breath I had working. I’m an excellent bubble blower so I amused myself and several small children around me with almost an hour of blowing bubbles the size of my head and trying not to get them stuck in my mustache and goatee. The kids were amazed.

Update on the flight… add another hour.

More phone calls and text messages. I started a game with my friend Dead Clown whereby we texted each other only in Chicago lyrics. He started with something about me being the "Inspiration" and that my layover would be 25 or 6 to 4. I countered with Wednesday, in the park, I think it was the 9th of July.

This went on until the next addition of 40 minutes to departure time.

Yes… you are thinking what I was thinking.

BAR.

I rewalked Terminal B for the 20th time only to find both bars full. I stopped at one and was about to order a beverage when my phone rang. I grabbed a seat and had a 20 minute conversation with the Sausage Queen of Atlanta. We laughed and she made me smile as only she can with her sweet southern twang. She was reminding me that I owed her dinner because her beloved Bulldogs had outlasted my FL teams in the College World Series. I got no service at the bar during the conversation, so I walked a little farther and found a Quizno’s.

Yes a Quizno’s.

A Quizno’s with beer. Seven dollar drafts to be exact.

I had a couple of Budweisers, talked to a guy on layover headed to Alaska buying sandwiches for his flight (remember when you used to get a meal on a flight?) I chatted up the bartender (Harriet) who I promised I would say goodbye to when I left. She was irked because people never said goodbye to her when they left, they just hurried off. “I have feelings” were her words I believe. I ran up a $30 tab.

By this time the flight had been bumped another 30 minutes and I had texted and called everyone I knew. I joined my fellow flyers to moan in unison until our time came.

It did.

We were corralled onto the jet, ready to roll.

WRONG.

“This is your captain speaking. Due to congestion around Philadelphia airport FAA has grounded us here on the tarmac. Our staff has had a long day as well so please bear with us. We have been told an update will be coming in 30 minutes, but we expect to wait at least an hour until resuming our flight. I will update you in 30 minutes. We apologize for the delay”

Nice.

I struck up a conversation with a gentleman in front of me. He was a last minute add coming from overseas. We were sitting in the emergency exit rows and discussed rallying the passengers. I suggested we tunnel out and he was leaning towards a hostile takeover, having had some flying experience.

The woman next to us seemed oddly frightened.

I was meeting a friend in Philly who was also flying in for the funeral. She was coming from Hawaii. She was concerned that I would be waiting too long in the airport to offer her a ride home. She was due in at 5:30. I was originally due in at 1. She was stuck in Harrisburg refueling because they didn’t have the gas to circle Philly any more.

“This is your captain speaking…
FAA has added another 30 minutes to the delay as expected. We are turning the seatbelt sign off so feel free to travel about the cabin.”

I tried to organize a basketball game and a nature hike. Really, travel about the cabin? Where did he expect us to go? Were we gonna start races? Hide and Seek?

And where the hell is the drink cart!!! My flight buddy in front of me was all over that one!

We started making up fake captain’s announcements…

“This is your captain speaking…

Umm… the airline has gone bankrupt. Your luggage has been seized as an asset and will be auctioned off. We apologize for the inconvenience and thank you again for flying United Airlines. We realize you have a choice in air travel and we’re pretty sure it won’t be us again.”

Eventually the plane took off. We circled Philly for long enough. We met my galpal from Hawaii who arrived before me and scooted out of the Philadelphia Airport….

right into the delay on the Schuylkill Expressway.

I have decided to miss my return flight on United (big surprise) and stay in Philly with dear, dear friends until the first week of August. I took them up on an offer to soak up AC and housesit for them while they are in Mexico. I’m hoping that I will find the time to write all those blogs from the last trip that I put off. I’ve made myself a mental promise to try to blog once a day while they are gone….SO try to keep up.

I can see ‘Box laughing because he thinks he knows it won’t happen. (Bet me a beer Big Man?)

That’s enough for today… I have to go to Walmart for clothes!

By the way, I booked my airfare back.

I’m flying FedEx.

I Wanted To...

2008-07-09T01:47:00.005-04:00

Well…

Been a long time coming.

And it may be awhile longer.

I just finished working on a new blog in memory of a very good friend of mine who passed away over the holiday weekend.

It is 1:30AM and my ride to the airport leaves at 5AM and of course I haven’t packed yet!

I am truly the KING of procrastination. Ask Box!

Anyway, I’ve been back in FL for approximately a week and it’s taken me that long to get back in the swing. Box and I have been catching up and generally reacquainting me with my long lost bartenders.

There was a nice little birthday party waiting for me when I got back. Damsel gave me a blanket to take with me on future adventures into the frozen tundra of Pennsylvania in the summer. We had a good time playing our new jukebox theme game, with the night’s theme being Professions (guessing that was a hint, huh guys?)

As I think about trying to get a couple hours sleep before I have to leave to get back on a plane for a trip I’d give almost anything not to have to make, I wonder what I’ll put into this blog…

I’ll post a few cool pictures of designs Dubya had me printing while I was in PA.

I’ll add a picture of the team I played the Pottstown Rumble with…

And the $5 Wal-Mart light up shoes I wore since I only packed flip-flops.

I want to add so much to these two stories… I want to tell the story of walking through two airports carrying a “Queen of the Beach” duffle bag barely able to walk due to the tournament and a day of helping move furniture while wearing light up shoes and the looks I got.

I want to add the pictures of Breezy and I taking cell phone pics of some girl’s big ole purple panties riding halfway up her back and the drunk at the end of the bar commenting after she left that “it looked like she was driving a funny car and the parachute deployed.”

I want to add some new funny photos that have been e-mailed to me.

I want to add the sound of Box laughing at me today when he texted me how the mowing was going… since the front yard was high enough to hide giraffes.

My reply to his text…

I fought the lawn and the lawn won.

Of course we made up a whole verse to the song.

I wanted to tell of the fun we had at Applebees with RayRay… singing Fergie’s hit “Big Girls Deep Fry”

I wanted to tell the stories of my birthday party in PA, my volleyball friends that carried an old man to his last time on the court…

I wanted to tell the story of B&K and the rhythm!

I wanted to add a new poll question...

I wanted to tell y'all that I now have the ability to e-mail you an update notice when I publish something new. Just e-mail me and tell me to add you!

I wanted to add a music player to the page so that you would be forced to listen to what I chose for the page...LOL.

I added a new link for a great web blog called Bits and Pieces...it is awesome, check it out.

I want to do all this and more…

But it will have to wait upon my return as it was proven to me all too cruelly how precious life is.

I promise I’ll be back writing up a storm when I get back…

I'll repost this blog in a week with all the stories and pictures (server wouldn't let me upload anything anyway and I'm drowsy besides).

For now…

RIP Benny C.

More To Come....

2008-06-25T12:29:00.006-04:00

Hey all...

Just wanted to let you know that I'm not quitting, just busy wrapping up the loose ends in PA before heading back to the F to the L to the A tomorrow.

Hang in there, there's plenty of story to come soon.

Enjoy Every Sandwich

2008-06-10T15:40:00.016-04:00

“Enjoy every sandwich”… Warren Zevon.

These words were spoken by Warren on his last visit to Late Night with David Letterman. He was the only guest that evening, to date still the only time that has ever happened. It was his last televised spot well after he had been diagnosed with terminal mesothelioma and been given very little time left on this earth.

I remember it very explicitly.

I was in row 2.

Today I am still in PA on my adventure and let me tell you about the sandwich. It is roast beef, pepper jack cheese, horseradish sauce, lettuce, pickles, and a touch of bbq sauce on wheat bread.

This is EXACTLY why I am such a fan of Wawa. To all of you that have never had the pleasure to experience the greatest “quick-e” mart on the planet, I feel sad for you. I can’t even go into explaining all the options on the menu.

I, like the rest of the country, have had more than enough of automated phone services. You know, press 1 for Spanish, press 4 for account balance, and enter your ten digit phone number followed by your birth date, social security number and tag number. (Am I the only one that screws it up on the last of the 32 digits and has to start over?)

BUT…

I have found a home for this service. That home is Wawa! Each and every Wawa has a touch screen to build the perfect sandwich. It’s also used for ordering other things such as hot foods, breakfast sandwiches and deli, but it was MADE for constructing sandwiches. There’s no pimply-faced moron with piercings and ipod cords to deal with…there’s just you and your options. EVERYTHING is an option. You have your choice of meats, cheese types, toppings (including roasted red peppers), salt, pepper, grated parmesan, oregano, mustard, ketchup, etc. Toasted yes or no? Extra cheese? Bacon? It’s as close as you can get to having your own personal chef. The printer next to the screen spits out a ticket that you can take to the cashier while your creation is being assembled. I used the time to get my beverage….

AH… my beverage…

I of course bought the half gallon of tea…mandatory.

Let me tell you about beverage number two.

44oz.

Yes…44 wonderful ounces.
Iced Mocha Mint Coffee. 44oz. of iced delicious energy in a plastic cup.

Back to the adventure.

I have to say things have gotten substantially less comical without the caked crusader with me. I’m a third of the man I used to be! I can feel my maturity level rising and I don’t like it at all! I know the ‘Box misses me too. We are burning up the text wire.

He and Damsel are working on our next installment of the Death Pool (Dancing with the Worms or Making the Grave?) We’ve taken to running a pool every six months. You pick 5 celebrities who you think will die in the next 6 months. We all chip in, most deaths wins. Let me know if you want in…you have until Friday! I done picked mine already. Ironically I did pick Ted Kennedy in the last pool but I’m not picking him in this one because I’m pretty sure he’ll live for the next 6 months and I’ve given up on Amy Winehouse because I’m pretty sure she’s indestructible. Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer but has started filming a series so I think he will make 6 months as well. I do have some sneaky picks up my sleeve! Honestly how is Don Rickles still alive, let alone Abe Vigoda?

Today’s weather is 97 degrees and makes me miss home. WonderTwin, Momma, and Nipper have returned safely to God’s Waiting Room (FL) and I can’t be away from the lil princess long or my warning light begins to beep.

This is for her.

Fill It Up, Pump Monkey

2008-06-01T01:10:00.020-04:00

I know y’all are waiting on the edge of your seats to find out what’s happening in our adventure…

Our last installment left the Superheroes in the Garden(smelling) State of New Jersey readying themselves for the Memorial Day party.
The party was one of the main reasons for the pilgrimage.
There was some serious driving back and forth to PA before the Sunday fest and somehow the smell in the truck EVOLVED!!!
On Saturday morning, in an effort to mask the stench of two fat guys in a truck, a new odor was added. ‘Box got the great idea to try to mask the smell with an apple scented spray air freshener….

Silly ‘Box.

We had fun renaming the odor Johnny Rotten Appleseed Ass.

Oh, by the way… after the third day of this excursion, I was finally able to get a blanket and experience a non-teeth-chattering night.

Now, on to the party… I have to preface the party by saying ‘Box’s mates are all good guys. I got a great welcome and Tex (as he’s known in his hood) was a hit. He got hugs, fist pumps, chest bumps, and back slaps from everyone at the party… and that was a lot of peeps. My guesstimate was close to a hundred. Y’all are welcome at my place anytime.

Carl…

AWESOME… just AWESOME.

I’m wondering how I’m going to fit all the fun into this blog?
I have to tell you about the first half hour of the Fest. I call it the Vinnie phase. You have to imagine the South Philly/Jersey accent. The discussion revolved around the current status of Vinnie and it went like this….

“Where’s Vinnie?”
“Vinnie’s dead yo”
“No f#ckin’ way”
“Yeah, Vinnie’s dead”

Enter the next contestant….

“Yo, you hear about Vinnie? He’s dead, man”
“Vinnie ain’t dead. I saw him last week”
“No way, he’s dead man”
“I heard he was in jail, but he ain’t dead”

Next entry…

“Dude, you seen Vinnie?”
“He’s in jail”
“I saw his girlfriend. He’s in jail”

Next…

“Dude, where’s Vinnie?”
“Vinnie’s dead”

This went on for 30 minutes. No lie. In the end, I think Vinnie’s alive but he may actually be in jail.

The party progressed. The food was awesome and just kept coming. The bands were great… Them Bones and Oedipus and the Mommas’ Boys… and oh yes, the Philadelphia Eagles String Band. If any or all of you read this, forward me your myspace accounts so I can keep up with the music. I sure wish SW FL had this kind of music. There was a great merge of Rage Against the Machine with a set of old rap (think Can’t Touch This and Ice Ice Baby with a head banging beat).
There was plenty of Bud, Burgers, and Broads (Jersey style)…lol.
Yes, it ended with the singer wearing our mullet wig and a Coyote’s headband, a mosh pit, Box doing a keg stand and yes there were cops! Only one arrest and the last I heard she was fighting it (she deserves a pass on it for sure).

Box and I had a lengthy discussion about how this party could not have happened in Florida. Among the reasons were red ants, heat, baby mama drama and handguns.

There was a good story that I want to tell. Hopefully it doesn’t ruffle any feathers and if it does, comment in a hurry and I’ll remove it. It seems one of Box’s oldest friends Jimmy has a tad of a reputation for being a dog. During the party, he and his current live-in got into a little tiff regarding someone being overly friendly towards Jimmy. She left the party while Jimmy stayed on. We found out the next day that Jimmy had to deal with some police activity after the night as well, as his live-in took both sets of his truck keys, some money, and some of his possessions. I found out a couple days later that Jimmy has a new live-in and sold the old gf’s plasma tv to cover his losses. Jersey crazy is just as good as FL crazy. Will Jimmy ever learn?

We spent a couple days in Blackwood and got to meet a good bartender, Ida, who ironically used to date Jimmy and got a real kick out of the Jimmy story. We met some more of Tex’s peeps and got a car out of impound. We got some great hospitality from Box’s sis and family and made it to Wawa EVERY day.

Tuesday led us back to PA.

The truck's smell is starting to subside.
I spent a day working the steel wheels of the print press, we had some more Wawa, we spent a night visiting with a new little superhero that needs a name (Jen), we witnessed her child drinking syrup from the container, we drank some beers, we saw some old friends and made some new ones, and we just plain enjoyed the trip. I got to eat breakfast at the Classic Diner, one of my all-time favorite diners (a spinach and blue cheese omelet with a side of scrapple that was big enough to feed a small family) and got to see Chrissy if only for a second.

On Wed. Box and I and some friends got a chance to see the Lancaster Barnstormers play the Long Island Ducks in Lancaster, PA.
What a beautiful stadium and such a pleasure to see my good friend Redfish Bob. We spent many nights at the ballpark next to my house in FL, working through the pitiful excuse we had for a ball team. There were “staff meetings” in the locker rooms and post game meetings at the bar where we discussed many important beer related facts and figures and how much better our surroundings could be. I’m so glad he traded up!
Redfish Bob invited Box and I to join him in Atlantic City to reunite with Cecil Fielder, our old manager, but Box was getting homesick and there was no way given my financials that I wanted to be anywhere NEAR a blackjack table. We parted over pictures and pitchers, vowing to remain in touch. I secretly hope we get to work together for a Major League team someday.

The last few days I’ve been procrastinating over my next step. Box has decided to leave on Saturday morning as he’s anxious to get back. He has a job to get back to and AC in his house. I’m sure he misses the family and the Damsel. I struggled over the decision to return for way too long. I put off every decision until it gets made for me, eh Box?

I’m lucky enough to get some work up here from my bud and ex-business partner, Dubya, and since WonderTwin and the Nipper have flown in with my mom, I’ve decided to stay for another week. Besides, Monday is Twin and mine’s birthday and the thought of spending it on the road wasn’t appealing. I will miss not having the ‘Box around to share it with or any of my FL buds (especially u Damsel) but I really want to spend it with Sis, after all we shared a womb, and Uncle Fungus needs a birthday hug from a certain lil princess.

I apologize for the quality and amount of pictures included. The laptop I am using does not have my best graphics manipulation package and we left some cords in Jersey and couldn’t load any of the good party pics. I’ll make sure when I get back to edit some in.

I’ll leave you with an explanation of the blog title…
New Jersey has mandatory full service gas stations.

Stayed tuned…
Miss ya Box. It’s not quite as much fun laughing by myself

The Garden State of Eatin'

2008-05-24T02:11:00.013-04:00

On the Streets East of Philadelphia…

Our journey has begun…. And we come to you, with open arms… Journey… get it?
I’ll chronicle what I can next to the sleeping snoring giant that is LunchBox… NO we are not sharing a bedroom… WE ARE NOT GAY!!!… but I have decided we share a brain. Sometimes we let the Damsel have it on weekends.
Tonight we are lucky enough to have some couches at ‘Box’s sister house outside of Blackwood, NJ.
It soooooo beats last night’s resting place. That would have been a rest stop in NC. We pulled in around 2:30AM, after driving for 12 hrs. It was NOT a comfortable evening. It ended at 6AM.

Box slept in the truck bed. He woke up rippled from the bedliner. He had a blanket and a rolled up jacket for a pillow….
HE was the lucky one.
I got the cab of the truck. I swear at one point I had my foot in my mouth. I haven’t SEEN my feet in years, yet somehow managed to get contorted into sucking my own toes. I ended in at least three positions NOT in the Kama Sutra. To top all that… it was freezing! I’m sure it dipped into the 60’s! Hey, I’m from Florida and my house remains at 88 all the time. In my house if I want to cool it off, I turn on the oven. Remember... practicing for Hell.
I lost a quarter inch of enamel from my teeth due to the chattering. Combined with that was the fact that whenever ‘Box rolled over in the back I had San Francisco flashbacks of the earthquakes. I slept on and off for what seemed like minutes.

We did have a good time along the way. We set up what I consider the mother of jokes. ‘Box has an old countertop model phone from the 70’s. We’ve adopted it as the Fatphone. We take it into bars and set it on the rail and when people ask about it we tell them we’re expecting a call from Commissioner Gordon (you know… the Fisherman).

We decided to bring it along so we could torture people on the road with it. Imagine looking over at the car next to you and seeing someone talking on an old model receiver like it was a cell phone. We thought it was hilarious. We laughed and laughed….

Not one person noticed.

If a fatman makes a joke in the forest and no one gets it, is it still funny?

We also adapted our version of a dashboard Jesus.

Here we are at South of the Border.

Here is 'Box's fantasy.
The "gorilla" my dreams.

So far the highlight of the trip… WAWA!
If you are not from here or have never been to the Northeast, you will not appreciate the magnitude of Wawa. Having been away from here… I do. The first one was in south Virginia…

I cried.

I LOVE Wawa.

‘Box LOVES Wawa.

Anyone who knows us knows we don’t stop talking. We get started going and its non stop. When we left Wawa, there was nothing said for almost 30 minutes. It was like being in church. I had a 24 oz coffee and we both got iced tea… I still get misty thinking about it.

When we leave we WILL be taking back cartons upon cartons of Wawa iced tea. It is the thing I miss the most from here. It is all I want for Xmas and my birthday every year. It has been a deciding factor in whether or not to make the trip north.

So… we made it to NJ. We’ve eaten, we’ve slept on and off, we’ve drank at a tiki bar. Yes we came 1,100 miles to drink in a tiki bar in NJ! I’ve gotten to meet some of ‘Box’s friends and I understand more. His friends share his sense of humor and I look forward to the party on Sunday. They are very welcoming and it WILL be fun…

Today he gets to meet more of my friends. It also WILL be fun.

I’ll try to keep the story going and take pictures.

Oh, by the way… here’s outside Baltimore when I had to stop for the facilities. ‘Box warned me not to stop at the rest stop because I “didn’t want to poop with the bus people...

Here was the sign from above….

And the walk of shame afterwards…

And I would love if someone could tell us what exactly that smell is in the truck? Two fat guys in a truck is too many fat guys in a truck.

Tune in as the adventure countinues!!!!

Writing for the World to Change

2008-05-22T04:57:00.001-04:00

Okay…

We are going to go road tripping tomorrow. I can only wonder what the music will be?

It’s going to be an adventure to say the least.

‘Box and I are setting forth. Queen Isabella from Portugal is financing the voyage. We will start from Florida and end in… well… somewhere. The New World? We are taking three ships. It’s the reverse of Ponce de Leon… the fountain of middle age?

Eventually it will end in either PA or NJ. At least I think so. It could be Kentucky, Tennessee or Canada. After all… I lack a sense of direction and I am a bad influence on ‘Box.

Wonder what Columbus felt like? I know it’s not nearly the same but I just have this feeling. He didn’t know where he was headed and neither do we. Oh sure… we have an idea but I’m sure it’s not gonna end up that way. Maybe we will find the West Indies or the Spice Girl Islands?

I’ve always been a little Karmac…and Karmac says this one will be one for the books. We will take pictures and attempt to post along the way.

Anyway…

Before we go… tonight’s discussion…

Which was the bigger death in music, Elvis or John Lennon?

Tough call…

Elvis was the King, and will always be the King. He’s been dead for 30 years and he still rules.

John Lennon was THE driving force in the Beatles. I still count Imagine as one of the best songs ever written.

I was outside the argument.

I LOVE Elvis.

I Love the Beatles.

But…

I’m stuck on Nirvana and Kurt Cobain. Don’t get me wrong… it was a chicken shit way to go out for him, but their music was every bit as influential as either of the aforementioned. Just listen to Nevermind or the Unplugged CD. Exactly who was the last power trio?

I think the biggest thing to me was the impact. We talked about it at the bar. Nirvana changed the shape of music.

I remember where I was when Elvis died and John Lennon…

And Kurt.

I wonder how many people are in this group? How many Elvis fans know who Kurt Cobain is, let alone where they were? Do we judge music by our generation?

And yet they all changed music. You can’t deny Elvis changed music, nor the Beatles. Would you argue that Nirvana did? Look into it and let’s discuss. They were the birth of grunge, the MTV re-revolution and a huge change in music. Pearl Jam owes Kurt. They had a bigger following. Ask Soundgarden or the Smashing Pumpkins or Stone Temple Pilots. They had more people camping out and lighting candles. Why do we downplay modern heroes? According to Little Feat… “They say … time loves a hero…but only time will tell… if he’s real, he’s a legend from heaven, if he ain’t he was sent here from Hell.” God Bless Lowell George… I’m not sure he doesn’t need to be included in this discussion.

Elvis spent all those years playing Vegas and just hanging on. John Lennon was in the discount rack at the end …both legends but past their importance.

Granted Kurt married a Hole… but there was still quality left…and then it was gone… by his own hand… What a waste?

Please chime in on this discussion. Is there someone else to be considered? Karen Carpenter maybe? Or John Lee Hooker? I’ll listen, I promise. Freddy Mercury comes to mind. Jerry and the Dead? How would Mick be viewed if he died early instead of hanging to his sixties? Buddy Holly? Maybe time curses a hero?

Ok…. The next discussion at the bar…

Title for the next Indiana Jones movie… or should it be a Florida Jones movie… old age and all.

Indiana Jones and the Rascal of Doom

Indiana Jones and the Lost Walker

Indiana Jones and the Adventures of the Lost Coffin

My favorite… Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the First Ark… he fights Moses, played by Abe Vigoda.

Is he gonna fight Rocky next? Or Jason?

Raiders of the Last AARP?

My next rant… How oh HOW did the Lifetime Channel pick Ashlee Simpson as their new spokesperson? Who exactly decided that women needed to see her as a role model???

Umm…pregnant, married to a rockstar, plastic surgery, lip synching….

Please find the person that made this decision and let me smack them.

Wow? Role model? Women should really try to be this.

Really?

I don’t think any woman should ever have plastic surgery. Beauty comes from inside. If you think a new nose or fake boobs makes you more desirable, you DESERVE the jackass that falls for you. Apparently he is as shallow as you are.

Next….

100 million votes for American Idol.

More than the 2004 presidential election.

I can’t add to that…

Presidential election/ Karaoke.

WTF?

When did bad TV get to be so important? Honestly, what has become of any American Idol? They are 2nd ring in the circus at best. Just behind Jeff Dahmer and Chuck Manson. Meanwhile the election has raised the price of gas to a fin and has allowed government to access all our personal info as a matter of “national” security… but we can’t text in our vote and they’re not singing covers of Beatles songs or dancing with washed up sports stars…. YES KRISTI YAMAGUCHI… u are washed up….

U weren’t until you decided to be a part of this….

Are you going to star in a sex tape with Screech next?

Didn’t you win an Olympic medal once? Wow… and Marion Jones is in jail. You both have become STELLAR examples for our young.

I’m willing to bet the crossover vote between the Idol and the president is less than 1%. Ask anyone who voted in the election who was in the Idol finals and vice versa and mail me a check…

Please don’t ask me the price of a stamp, because I’m sure it’s going the way of gas…

I think they are interconnected. When it becomes cheaper to drive the check to the creditor, they up gas… then it’s cheaper to mail it, so we up postage. Shouldn’t I enjoy getting screwed a little more?

I just realized I can’t afford the gas to mow my grass! Or the money to drive to get the gas to drive to get the gas to mow the grass.

When did we decide that we wanted to watch who dated Flavor Flav or Brett Michaels from Poison or someone dating a farmer or a wife swap or nannies or any kind of rehab.

When exactly did fact become stranger than fiction? I used to tune into TV to get AWAY from reality!

Honestly, why would anyone fight to date Bret Michaels or Flavor Flav? If it wasn’t on TV could either one of these clowns get any attention at a hooker convention in Vegas? Hells NO… look at the two of them. What is their contribution to society? How do I love thee… let me count the diseases…

Oh right…

Road trip in 2 hours….

I’ll try to provide pictures, commentary and evidence.

In the meantime… I’m waiting on the world to change.

My Second Favorite Mother

2008-05-11T00:55:00.010-04:00

So, it’s Mother’s Day and I have to give props to my second favorite mother of all time… Wonder Twin.

It doesn’t hurt that she is raising my favorite child of all time.
I’m blessed to be her godfather (Fungus Corleone) and the fact that she is the funniest 7 year old on the face of the planet doesn’t hurt either. I’m sure she gets that through my genes, no matter what her parents say.

I know bringing a child up in this town has to be hard. Just tonight I witnessed a father taking his 3 kids into the bar to pick up a to-go order. The bar was full and he thought nothing of setting his kids at the rail and buying them a root beer (which came in a brown bottle) while he drank an alcoholic drink. I was a little upset that the bartender allowed it to happen, especially in this town. The last time I checked there were 57 registered sex offenders within 5 miles of my house… while I am sometimes considered sexually offensive, I am not registered. In this town does a youngster need to learn how to sit at a bar?

This particular daddy, whose children I guessed at 6, 8, and 10, allowed his youngest to wander off to the bathroom under the guidance of the oldest while he sat and finished his drink. Does he not read the paper? I wondered about the qualifications necessary to be a parent. Personally, it was a major reason behind my divorce.

WonderTwin has done a tremendous job in raising this little ball of trouble
despite all the obstacles she meets on a daily basis.

The last time I checked, Florida was among the lowest ranking states in quality of education, yet this little girl currently sits at the top of her class in reading comprehension and math ability. She is a former Little Miss Hibiscus and is cute as an insect in a carpet. (Back me up here people…that’s why I allow comments!!!)

I just wanted to say how proud I am of my Sis. She knows that the only way to make this world a better place is to understand that children come first. I consider being a parent the most important job anyone could be given and she has done a wonderful job of it.

Happy Mother’s Day Sis.

Working My Way Back to Funny?

2008-05-05T19:56:00.023-04:00

Hockey games, horse races and cars going round in a circle. How much fun was that? That was one heck of a finish at Richmond. Sports-wise it was one of the best weekends in sports so far this year. Wonder Twin won the derby pool and ‘Box won the driver pool. We all enjoyed the festivities and were all saddened by the misfortune of Eight Belles. It’s never a good thing to have to put down one of the beautiful creatures of nature. I guess one minor silver lining would have to be that at least it was quick and relatively painless. I’m reminded of the glassy eyed look and bulky apparatus used to keep Barbaro alive after his broken leg.

I have to add the “teaser” for tonight’s local news. How to protect your kids and family pets from a new strain of deadly rabies-infected bats coming to SW Florida... tune in at 11. Shouldn't we be told about this immediately?

I also have to add that I’m still stuck in the “unable” to sleep phase. No wonder with the killer rabies bats flying just outside my door. I’ve seen every bad movie ever made in the last month. I had to text ‘Box at 4AM the other day because I was watching Karate Kid 2 and I made myself laugh at changing the lyrics for the theme song. It’s Peter Cetera, famous as the lead singer of Chicago, singing We Did it All For the Glory of Lunch (Love). That was easy…the good one was the line that went … I am a man who would fight for the Amish!
News teaser number 2…. Helping Animal Services take care of dozens of abused puppies... Film at 11. How can I not want to stay up for this video?

‘Box and I have several easy rules for ruining songs. Replace Love with Lunch …examples:
I’m all out of Lunch, I’m so lost without food. (Air Supply)
Lunch Stinks (J Geils)
Lunch is a Many Splendored Thing (the Four Aces)
Give me Lunch, Give me Lunch, give me Ham on Wheat (George Harrison’s best work)
Oh my love, my darling, I’ve hungered for your lunch (the Righteous Brothers)
Wide Men say…only fools are thin…but I can’t help ordering lunch with you (Elvis)
Another easy one is replacing the word woman with Mormon… Examples:
American Mormon, stay away from me. (Guess Who)
You make me feel like a natural Mormon (Aretha Franklin)
Girl, you’ll be a Mormon soon (Neil Diamond)
I am Mormon hear me roar (Helen Reddy)...in numbers too big to ignore
LA Mormon, Sunday afternoon (the Doors)… this could also be Deli Mormon or Deli Woman

Teaser 3!!! Coming up at 11…Meat your family shouldn’t eat. Please, this is getting too easy.

Friday afternoon ‘Box and I spent some time at Nav-A-Gator Bar and Grill.
We both LOVE this bar, we just wish it was closer. We haven’t been there in quite a while and we were pleasantly surprised by the reception we got upon arrival. It’s always nice when we get remembered.
We were lucky enough to have our true ‘lil superhero Shorty behind the rail. ‘Box and I count her as one of our favs. Here’s a pic of her. Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, I made her the bartender of the month for the bar rag which wasn’t paying me to work for them. (I know…let it go Dave…lol) If you get time, there are some great pictures on their website at www.nav-a-gator.com or www.myspace.com/navagatorbarandgrill.

While sitting there and having our usual dozen beers, Box and I came up with a couple of ideas.
One I’m not going to throw out there since the rag seems to steal my good ideas and call them their own. The other, which came later in the drinking, was to remake old comedy series with new actors playing the characters.

We immediately went with Christoper Walken playing J.J. Evans and Kathryn Hepburn playing Florida Evans in the remake of Good Times. Dyn-o-mite!
It eventual led to Christopher Walken playing George Jefferson, Archie Bunker and Hawkeye Pierce. Sorry, when we drink we get on a track and stay there. I have a feeling that this idea will resurface soon as it holds a lot of funny potential.

To end it all up for this blog, I’m finishing with an ex-Philly sports star that happens to be playing in the Conference Championships of the NLL this weekend.
For those of you not familiar, the NLL is the professional indoor lacrosse league. This canuck happens to be in his 18th professional season and is a 9 time All-Pro in goal. He holds every record in the book for goalies. He’s currently playing for the Portland Lumberjax, but for 6 years or so, while playing for the Philadelphia Wings, he played roommate to this Beerman. I want to wish him luck and can’t wait to see him again soon.
Maybe I’ll write a blog about all the silly things we did over the years, like filling out his official media guide with off-the-wall answers (least favorite team and why?...answer: the Toronto Rock, because I hate them with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.
Yes, this was used in the official media guide of the Wings) or breaking the MVP trophy on the way home from the Championship game while stopping to pee.
Ahh good times. Good Luck to you Dallas Eliuk!

Speaking of Conference Finals…

Go FLYERS! (trying hard not to jinx ‘em, eh ‘Box?)

Perfect Visions

2008-04-29T02:59:00.013-04:00

Since this old beerman has been way short of funds lately, I’ve found myself with time on my hands to learn some new tricks.
I thought it would be cool to go back and add some vision to stories gone by, and maybe add a few new ones as well.
I’ll start with one from ‘Box’s Birthday Bash. To all those of you that were invited and missed it…you should have been there.

Here he is with Walker San Francisco Ranger.
The evening was complete with an inflatable granny and an erotic cake. We also had the pleasure of one wail of a squirt gun fight and a top ten list of reasons why no one wants to be Big Mike.

10) Everyone wants you to move furniture (Mike’s old profession)

9) Some other dude is getting laid off your Valentine’s Day flowers (He actually had his bouquet stolen from his gal’s front porch)

8) You get less tail than Ben Franklin’s kite

7) Cell phones are too small for your beefy hands

6) You crumble like blue cheese whenever you see boobs (and then lend them money)

5) You always have to be pissed off at the world

4) You have to be Fungus’ bitch

3) Quitney will cut you off after 20 beers (TRUE STORY!!!)

2) No one EVER gets to see the girl in your sex video (my personal favorite)

1) You spend $40 to win a $25 gift certificate in a chili cook-off (which he did at the bar where the party was held, which made it funny to the crowd!)

Please feel free to add any that you may think of… trust me, I can use the laugh... and for heaven's sake someone PLEASE send me the picture of "David Lee Roy"

While I was digging through pictures, here’s one of a couple of the GNO gals that I just plain ol’ love.

I’ve also included a pic of their coconut that they raced in last weeks Coconut Daze. The other picture was just one of the other coconuts I thought was done up nice.

Digging further into the archive I found a picture of Jennaay in bunny ears

and a picture of me and granny.
If you haven’t read this story, go back and re-read it. Granny had just finished vomiting over the railing and I snuck up behind her for a picture.

Speaking of sneaking up behind for a picture. I have to tell y’all a story about my buddy Buckeye. I haven’t decided yet whether Buckeye is a superhero or a supervillian. He does seem to get me into sticky situations and I know he’s surely evil.

Every year I’m fortunate to travel to the lovely Outer Banks of North Carolina with a couple dozen of my favorite peeps…sometimes it’s more. One year Buckeye and I set out on a mission. He was showing me pictures he had taken on a tour of major league ballparks one summer and he stumbled on one that included a rather unattractive woman. When I asked who she was, he told me that he and his sidekick decided she was one of the ugliest women they had seen on the trip and snuck behind her to make it appear that they had gotten a picture together.

WOW…

How much did I love that idea? Of course we had to kick it up a notch. We decided on our trip to OBX we would seek out a midget in a wheelchair with a mullet wearing an eye patch. Needless to say, I have an archive of 20 different women wearing an eye patch from that trip. We even had one bartender ready to buy a mullet wig. The best part for me was that every picture taken was sent via cell phone to Buckeye’s chum back in the Midwest. Imagine that you just keep receiving pictures of two guys and a different gal with an eye patch for a week straight. Tell me that wouldn’t make you laugh?

So I am including this pic for you Buckeye… and yes, that is the same eye patch
on the deer head. The best part of the bar crawl in this picture was the photos of the county policeman taken from later on that night using a slimjim to unlock his cop car….which was still running. He never got the keys out and it eventually ran out of gas.
Oh well, it’s getting late here and I’m still on a mission to get my resume posted to every job board in the US and eventually the world. If you have any leads, forward them my way, as the only jobs in SW Florida are paying in the $5 an hour range and I just don’t feel right about having a bachelor’s degree and settling for that kinda coin.
I’ll try to add some more fun from the Kentucky Derby party this week. I’m sure it’ll be a hoot.
Y’all don’t be strangers and feel free to make comments…you don’t have to register. I do get to preview them before they’re posted though, so u gotta be nice… or at least funny.

On a final note, I noticed that the entertainment rag I had written for and developed ideas for has decided to steal one of my ideas without giving me any credit. Once again this superhero gets taken advantage of. For all of you that know them, when they tell you the story that I was asking for too much money…

I asked for $50 an article per month, which barely paid for my bartab and certainly not the time they got from me to develop ads that they are still using and got from me for free.

If you see them, wish them karma from me.

Birthday 'Box

2008-04-16T20:57:00.017-04:00

Sure has been a while huh?

Time keeps on tickin’ tickin’ tickin’… into the future. Eh ‘Box?

Yesterday was good ol’ Lunchbox’s 40th birthday. He didn’t seem too happy about it. I’m sure he’ll be alright with it once it sinks in to his creamy nougat center.
‘Box needs to learn that these are just numbers and are completely meaningless in the Superhero World. In the great words of Groucho Marx, “You’re only as old as the women you feel”. In the words of the Beerman, “Age keeps moving on, but you can stay immature forever!”

Since income has been tight in Superhero land lately, I decided for ‘Box’s birthday I’d put together a soundtrack for him. So here goes….

Track 1) She Taste Like Gravy
This is a song Mike introduced me to around my birthday last year. I had never heard it before and I think he found it off a search of a radio broadcast. It is a dead-on replication of Gnarl’s Barkley’s “Crazy” with the lyrics pertaining to dating larger women. Best line…. Fat chicks rule….and they do things skinny chicks just won’t do.

Track 2) Jungle Love
Ask any Superhero…who exactly is the greatest band of all time?????
Answer: Morris Day and the Motherf*cking Time!! Lunchbox is a white version of Jerome and was born to carry a mirror for RayRay to watch himself dance.

Track 3) Rockstar
This Nickleback song is a favorite of ‘Box’s. I think secretly he wished he was a Guitar Hero instead of just one half of the Titanic Duo.

Track 4) Ugly Baby
One of Stephen Lynch’s classic songs about his daughter’s birth. Best line…I always wanted kids, is it wrong to hope for SIDS? “When the audience groans, you know you got a great joke”… Mike Capner.

Track 5) Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)
During one of our nights at the bar, we changed the words of this Big & Rich song into Save a Horse, Ride a Fat Boy.

Track 6) I Love This Bar
If you have to ask why this is included, you don’t know ‘Box.

Track 7) Sylvia’s Mother
We’ve taken great pleasure playing this Dr. Hook song at our favorite watering hole because M&M hates it. It started as a joke that we took to ridiculous lengths (gee…that doesn’t sound like us!)

Track 8) You Never Met a Motherf*cker Like Me
Kid Rock rocks especially at the level of Charlie’s jukebox.

Track 9) Down in Mexico
This Coasters song is used in Grindhouse:Quinten Taratino’s Death Proof. It’s one of the best lapdance scenes ever made. It was NOT included in the theater release but is on the extended cut for the DVD. As ‘Box is a fan of the lapdance, I included it. It is worth the purchace.

Track 10) After the Lovin’
Yes, it’s Englebert Humperdink. His name is Humperdink…c’mon that’s funny. The real reason I included this in the soundtrack is because we almost
have the re-write finished of our version entitled “After the Luncheon”… “And I know…the buffet isn’t serving…anything new…but after the luncheon…I gotta go… number 2.”

Track 11) Gin & Juice
Yes Snoop Dogg…only we’ve adopted the Gourds bluegrass version. THIS is the official Beerman and Big Mike theme music. Anyone who can take a Snoop song and make it better (approved by Snoop himself) is truly gifted. Anyone who has not heard this song can hear it on my myspace www.myspace.com/dave_the_beerman.

Track 12) The Candy Man
How do we not include a candy song for a fat man on his birthday by a skinny one-eyed dead black man? Plus…you can even eat the dishes!

Track 13) Ramble On Rose
I had to include a Grateful Dead song, the problem was limiting myself to just one. I went with Rambling Rose because it fit the tempo. There isn’t enough time to go into why one Dead song works better than another. It’s the difference between Apple Pie and Cherry pie. It’s ALL pie…delicious wonderful pie!

Track 14) Wet Dream
Kip Adotta made a five minute pun that epitomizes our AWFUL sense of humor.

Track 15) See You in Hell

It’s a late 80’s throwback from Grim Reaper back in the metal age. ‘Box likes metal and it was a way to add my true feelings into the mix.

If you have the ability to download these tunes, go ahead and burn yourself a copy. If not ask me and I’ll burn you a copy off mine. There are some added perks on mine as well… such as the watch speech from Christopher Walken in Pulp Fiction and Peanut Butter Jelly Time from Family Guy.

Happy Birthday LunchBox! We all love ya and look forward to the next forty years, remember you can sleep when you’re dead.

Deadlines

2008-03-28T01:28:00.006-04:00

I definitely have to preface this blog by saying, if you’re not a fan of the Dead, you won’t understand. Hopefully you’ll trust me enough to read it anyway and maybe I can introduce you to something wonderful.

I can’t figure out whether ‘Box is gonna like this one or not? It’s more insightful than funny, and he rarely likes that, when there’s more fun to be had laughing… however he IS a Dead fan too.

I’ve been in a sort of a funk lately and, since music plays a very large part of my being, I decided to put together a CD of my favorite Dead tunes. They tend to level me out and make me turn inward. I’ve been a fan of the Dead since college and being in the printing business for 20 years it was mandatory to have at least a working knowledge of the Dead.

Recently, since hanging with ‘Box, I’ve rekindled my desire to actually listen to them more. I’ve been a Pink Floyd fan for 20 years as well, and both bands have many things in common. Having heard them for so many years, I’ve taken to just singing along and not actually listening to what they are saying. The other day I saw a wonderful documentary on the making of Dark Side of the Moon and it really got me thinking about the power of music and truly what works of art some pieces are. Like literature if you take the time to think about the image some lyrics create, it will make you understand that music is our generation’s legacy. Generations in the past had painters, novelists, and poets.

I believe our era will contribute music. God Bless Apple for the iPod and Limewire and Napster for giving the masses the ability to hear music that they would never spend money to purchase. Screw Metallica for wanting their royalties.

Did Michelangelo bitch about money?

I think it’s amazing to be able to have music at my fingertips.

A good friend of mine took to giving homemade compilation CD’s as gifts and I thought it was a wonderful idea, especially if you are a person who appreciates music in all genres. I’m lucky enough to appreciate a wide range (maybe that’s the ADD). My museum of music would have many wings. Maybe it’s the luck I’ve had in making friends with so much diversity? My museum would have Rap and Jazz, “chick” music and heavy metal, old rock and new wave, punk and country, blues and garage bands. I’ve always said that the only thing that separates my life from a movie is the lack of a soundtrack that everyone can hear. There has always been one playing in my head.

How’s that for an invention. Everyone has an iPod implanted that they can load with everything they like. Dependent on your mood, a small set of speakers plays your soundtrack audible to only you and those around you at a background level. My only requirement would be that you could not choose which song it was… that would have to occur subliminally.

Okay, the gist of this blog was supposed to be about my favorite Dead lyrics.

When I was just getting out of high school, my roommate and best friend at the time and I decided to compile a journal of lyrics and movie lines that we deemed as pertinent to our lives. Every time we heard something that was memorable, one of the two of us would write it in The Book. We wrote mostly when we had hoisted a few and, after several years, had pretty much filled it with meaningful words…well meaningful to us. I think the best part was remembering the time and place each was written. It was our scrapbook of memories set to a soundtrack.

Long story short…..

his dog ate it.

See ‘Box, there’s some funny.

About four years ago, I started a new book. Very few have seen it and it contains some of my thoughts and feelings as well as lyrics and movie lines. I don’t write in it often enough. Lately I’ve been thinking of branching off to a second book, mainly because there are way too many Family Guy, South Park, and Robot Chicken references to include! Imagine a book of funny to go with the book of reality.

Back to the Dead lines…

Like Floyd, I’d spent years singing along with Dead songs, sometimes getting the lyrics correct and sometimes just making up what I thought was right. Because of myspace and lyric search, I can now actually get the words correct and think about their meaning and the image they create. I feel like I’ve been missing so much about the Dead. It seems every week my favorite Dead song changes as I learn more.

Here are just a few:

Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow

Reach out your hand if your cup be empty
If your cup is full may it be again

(from Ripple)

I used the last line in an article once which I entitled Ripple in Still Water which applies to some of my favorite bartenders, who serve over and above the call of duty. ‘Box and I discussed it at length whether anyone actually knew what it was from. The image the beginning line creates in my inner vision is very powerful. To me it signifies the image of turmoil with no apparent external reason.

I could go deeper but again… attention span and space limitations…

Aren’t these powerful images?

Just like New York City
Just like Jericho
Pace the halls and climb the walls
And get out when they blow

(from Ramble on Rose) before 9/11

Think about it.

Just a box of rain, wind and water
Believe it if you need it, if you don't just pass it on
Sun and shower, wind and rain
In and out the window like a moth before a flame

And it's just a box of rain, I don't know who put it there
Believe it if you need it or leave it if you dare
And it's just a box of rain, or a ribbon for your hair
Such a long, long time to be gone and a short time to be there

(from Box of Rain)

My version of religion?

Well I ain't often right but I've never been wrong
It seldom turns out the way it does in the song
Once in a while you get shown the light
In the strangest of places if you look at it right

(from Scarlet Begonias)

God playing with me?

Sometimes the lights all shining on me
Other times I can barely see
Lately it occurs to me
What a long strange trip it's been

(from Truckin’)

Revelations?

Goodbye Mama and Papa
Goodbye Jack and Jill
The grass ain't greener, the wine ain't sweeter
Either side of the hill

(from Ramble On Rose)

And last but not least….my requirements for a partner…

I need a woman 'bout twice my age
A lady of nobility, gentility and rage
A splendour in the dark, lightning on the draw
Who'll go right through the book and break each and every law

I got a feelin'
And it won't go away, oh no
Just one thing and I'll be OK
I need a miracle every day

I need a woman 'bout twice my height
Statuesque, raven-tressed, a goddess of the night
A secret incantation, candle burning blue
We'll consult the spirits, maybe they'll know what to do

And it's real
And it won't go away, oh no
Can't get around and I can't run away
I need a miracle every day

I need a woman 'bout twice my weight
A ton of fun who packs a gun with all that other freight
Find her in a side-show, leave her in LA
Ride her like a surfer riding on a tidal wave

And it's real
Believe what I say
Just one thing that I gotta say
I need a miracle very day

It takes dynamite to get me up
Too much of everything is just enough
One more thing that I gotta say
I need a miracle every day.

I could have gone on for at least another thousand words with at least another dozen Dead songs. Ask me for my CD and let’s discuss?

‘Box already knows the words.

This is My Hometown…My Hometown…

2008-03-19T12:18:00.006-04:00

In the past couple of days, I’ve been enamored with my hometown.

The following items were taken from a three day sampling of the Polce Beat from the local paper. For those of you who don’t live here, this is not an unusual three days, just a random three days. It was not a full moon and it could have been any given three day span.

Ronald Skye MacDonald, 32, 6000 block of Landlover Terrace, North Port. Charges: introduction of contraband into jail, possession of mathamphetamine and possession of drug paraphernalia. Bond: $8,500.

This one works for me on so many levels. First and foremost, how do you name your child Ronald McDonald?

Is it any wonder he's into the drugs?

How did they NOT search him going into the jail, what with the red suspenders and clown makeup?

Was he hiding the drugs in his big red shoes?

Is he now sharing a cell with the Hamburglar?

Did his mug shot have a grimace?

Was he arrested by Big Mac and sentenced in front of Mayor McCheese?

What is MATHamphetamines? Do they help you add and subtract? Was he dealing in fractions of grams? Did he also get busted for distribution because he was trying to DIVIDE up the MATHamphetamines?

Paraphernalia? isn't that a leafy green plant?

Sorry to go off on such a tangent (pun intended).

This next one is just a partial to one of the items. The whole story was way to long and detailed and the excerpt is funnier on its own.

All three teenagers told deputies they went into the home and said Egbert defecated on the floor, according to the report. Egbert and Gramlin-Jordan squirted the chocolate syrup and Gramlin-Jordan said he created the holes in the walls. Ortiz said he sprayed the beer

Do I really need to add to this?

My question… who walks around town carrying beer and chocolate syrup looking for a house to defecate in?

I love that I sent this story to one of my best friends and she had the same initial response as I did… “what a waste of beer”! That’s why I love you Chuckles!

A 14-year-old girl was released to her mother after being charged with battery on a law enforcement officer and resisting arrest with violence.
According to a report by the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office, the girl created a disturbance as she tried to leave her Port Charlotte house at 3:55 p.m. on Sunday.
As Deputy Paul Underwood tried to tell her she could not leave the house without her mother's permission, the girl shouted obscenities and slapped the officer's hand as he tried to stop her from walking by.
Underwood then grabbed her right arm in an attempt to escort her back to the home, but she pulled away from the officer. He then placed her in handcuffs, which was when the girl kicked him in his right leg.
As he tried to bring her to his patrol car, the girl then thrashed her body around in an attempt to break away and continued kicking the officer.
Once in the car, she kicked the cage separating her from Underwood and spit on the deputy's windows.
After making contact with a juvenile detention facility in Fort Myers, it was decided that the girl should be released to her mother and placed on a 21-day home detention.

This one was sad from the beginning, but at the end it made me laugh. Ummm… wasn’t the whole reason for calling the cops because the teenager would not stay in the house? Why would you sentence her to HOME detention? Honestly…released to her mother who she assaulted to home release where she was trying to leave. My Karnack the Magnificent prediction is that there will be a part 2 to this story.

A Port Charlotte woman was arrested Monday after allegedly participating in two undercover narcotics sales orchestrated by the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office. Lorna Elizabeth "Biker Chic" Turner, 30, 100 block of Dartmouth Drive, was charged with sale of a noncontrolled substance in lieu of a controlled substance for an incident in which a confidential informant received wax instead of crack, a CCSO report said. Turner was also charged with sale and delivery of crack cocaine, possession of cocaine and no valid driver's license.

Is it Biker Chick or Biker Chic or Biker Sheik? Was she well dressed? Is wax crack the new “designer” drug? Does she get points in her advantage for taking the time to craft crack out of wax? Can she say it was just a candle? Only a cop would buy wax crack. No self respecting crackhead in town would by wax crack unless they wanted to put it next to the wax fruit on the kitchen table.

No arrest for Paraffin-alia?

A man was trespassed from the Celtic Ray Irish Pub on the eve of St. Patrick's Day because he was allegedly walking up to customers and asking if they were "warriors," a Punta Gorda Police Department report said.
The intoxicated 39-year-old was not arrested, but was barred from returning to the bar for one year, the report said. The man told the police officer he understood, the report said, then chucked his copy of the trespass warning into a Dumpster while he waited for his wife to pick him up. His wife was summoned because he didn't have enough money for a cab, the report said.

I don’t even know where to begin with this jewel. “On the eve of St. Patrick’s Day?” or as we here in town liked to call it…Sunday. Did the fact that it was the day before St. Patrick’s Day have ANYTHING to do with this genius’s actions?
Did the policeman actually use the word “chucked” in his official report?
Why is Dumpster capitalized? Is it a deity or the name of a new bar in town? “I’m going to hang out at the Dumpster”… Homeless Monthly gave it four stars. Would the trash recepticle out back of Dumpster be pink and called the Paris Hilton or white and called the Britany Spears (white trash...duh)?
Last but not least…
This rocket surgeon doesn’t have money for a cab, yet his wife will come and pick his drunk ass up. My question is obvious…

Who would marry this man?

‘Box and I can’t get dates and we’re superheroes. Maybe if we were “warriors” we’d score.

Our Special Room in Hell

2008-03-14T12:45:00.003-04:00

‘Box and I already know where we are spending the afterlife. It’s a given. We both moved to southwest Florida to prepare. Why else would two fat guys go where it’s hot? I don’t have AC so that when I get there I can make the devil my bitch by complaining that it’s too cold.

“Ummm… Satan… can I have a sweater?”

Lately though, it seems we are on a mission to get our own room in Hell.

Yesterday we pulled one that even I was in awe of.

It seems M&M is training a new part time bartender. ‘Box and I decided that we would pull a practical joke on her. We stopped in for happy hour and set it all up. M&M prefaced the new gal to meet me by letting her know that I was deaf. (I am a little hard of hearing but not deaf yet… deft… absolutely) We got introduced as regulars and Big Mike “signed” me all the necessary info.

My new name was Doug.

Several other regulars at the bar played along. They may be stopping in at our private suite in Hades as well.

Is this wrong yet?

We had a little conversation, enough that she should remember me.

‘Box and I said our farewells and left M&M to sing our praises. Of course we headed to a different watering hole to tell our story of deviousness to others as we are proud of our slot in hell.

Quitney aka Triple Nipple just shook her head as she’s heard way too many of our schemes. Mouse and Spouse, our newest superheros in training, both loved the newest adventure…

RayRay, who may just be our afterlife roomie wasn’t working.

After an hour to change, shave, switch glasses and become a new person, ‘Box and I went back to the bar to re-introduce me as my identical twin brother Dave… who can hear perfectly. We told the new gal that Doug thought she was cute and wanted to ask her out. It’s a pity she’s married or the joke would go so much further.

I won about four bucks off ‘Box and M&M because they didn’t think I would go through with it. We are now betting on how long I can pull it off….

If you want in on it, the over/under is 6 months.

Take the over!

Next week she gets to meet our younger brother Steve...

who is blind.

After that it'll be our sister Cindy.

While we’re going down the path…here’s some more non pc drinks…

The Lindsey Lohan… a red headed slut with a shot of Coke.

The Iraq/Canadian/Irish car bomb… an Irish car bomb with a shot of tanker-eh?

The Nicole Brown… Maker’s Mark with OJ, a Schlitz, tomato juice and a slice of everything.

A Mick Jagger…. A Rolling Rock with Pucker

A Tonya Harding…. Canadian Club on ice

An Anna Nicole Smith…. Absolute Pear with a Valium

A John Belushi… A dead Guy Ale and BluesBerry Schnapps

Natalie Wood… Absolute Kurrant and a lifesaver

A Gynecologist… A Pabst and Smirnoff

Long Island Mr T… a regular iced tea with Goldschlager, Cuervo Gold and a Molsen Golden Ale.

A Mormon Popeye… Three Olives Vodka and a spinach leaf

Michael Jackson…. White Crème de Cacao in a sippy cup

A Pimpin’ Toby Keith… Whiskey (for my men) and beer (for my whoreses)

I’ll end now with a couple of beautiful stories…

Someone please tell me, is it just me? I swear this stuff doesn’t happen to normal people.

Story 1)

After a lengthy Parrothead club meeting, surrounded by beautiful GNO gals all night, the bartender sends me over a drink, bought by a group of gals across the way. The drink contains a business card. The card is for the Chrome Divas, a local Harley group of all women. We peppered the bartender to see which one actually sent the drink, since there were four of them and finally surmised our victim. I sent Jill (name not changed…not innocent) over to find out the story. I have to interject that Jill runs parties for adult toys and wanted to get in on the prospect.

So Jill bops over to explain that the guy they were sending the drink to was single but sitting with those two lovely women because one was his sister (WonderTwin) and the other was her friend (Jill…name not changed…blah blah innocent).

The women were confused….

The drink was for the guy sitting behind me.

In the Fungus dictionary see Ego Deflation. See also Erectile Dysfunction.

Story 2)

Not as funny… but funny to me.

Bowling alley…

I repeat…

BOWLING ALLEY…

Just turned 21.

Military ID.

Birthday was 3 days ago.

Orders a Glenfiddich.

I reiterate….

Bowling Alley.

Proceeds to get pissed off because the Alley has no single malt scotches.

Just turned 21 in a bowling alley ordering fine scotch and mad because they don’t have it.

Question…

this is funny to others, right?

Happy hour at our room in Hell is 3-6. It’s two for one…

That means you get both of us for the price of one.

Bring a jacket.

The Freakin’ Weekend Baby?

2008-03-10T09:00:00.000-04:00

The Remix?

What a great weekend. Don’t know where to start.

Ok… Eve/Eva/Paula/Patty will now be known as Wilma… and we approve of Mr. Flintstone.

Jill (whose name is never protected because she’s not innocent) was an integral part of my weekend. Her husband Steve (not his real name) gave me a great gift this weekend by taking me to the Twins-Yankees game. I am such a fan of small park baseball and It got me so excited for next year when the Tampa Rays come to town. I’m putting my resume together right now to get my job as beerman back for MLB! Steve offered to give me and ‘Box tix for the Sox later this week and I want to do it just to see another spring training park and maybe to hang out with a new friend who’s kinda cute.

Ok… the weekend…

Congrats Pool Princess. Your grand opening was absolutely grand. You deserve every ounce of success that you get. I do wish you had been wearing bunny ears though.

On to the funny…

Saturday morning…

Everyone who knows me knows my Friday night ritual. They know I spend Friday night at the bowling alley with my new favorite bartender of all time M&M. Friday is Men’s night and we have a great time betting on anything that moves and poking fun at life and people in general. We missed the ‘Box who was sick but Jill filled in nicely.

Friday night usually runs late. My angelic mother was on a mission to wake me up Saturday morning, but I prepped her on Friday by telling her under no circumstances was she to even think about disturbing me before 10AM.

The doorbell rang at 8.

Just because it was her, I put on pants. Normally I would not have.

Again, anyone who knows me knows how short of patience I am…especially first thing in the morning… with a hangover.

I stormed to the door ready to let Ol’ mommom have it with both barrels for disregarding my instructions to ‘do not disturb’.

But what to my wondering eyes should appear….

A pair of “Witnesses” spreading the word…

The conversation was short and sweet… “Have you found Jesus?”

“Didn’t know he was missing”

Literature in hand, door closed, I was so glad I put on pants.

When Momma did show, I knew the day was set when she started the conversation with “I bought a bottle of wine at a yard sale this morning”.

Think about that for a while.

Honestly… only here. Who buys wine at a yard sale? Who sells wine at a yard sale? The specifics of the conversation get better but there’s so much more to the weekend that if I go into I won’t get to the best parts of the weekend.

Saturday afternoon was spent with J nnay who is always so much fun and Jill and friends who almost got me beaten for stealing a purse. Saturday night was spent with WonderTwin and the Nipper who are my reason to be in SWFL. Sunday morning was spent making breakfast for the extended family which I would gladly do every morning because “family” is the best thing in the world… which reminds me… Happy Birthday SweetPea. I wish I had known. I would have tried harder to be there to watch the “non” sunset with you.

The “you have to smile” story comes from my newest superhero.

We shall call her BeerGal…

I’m not sure exactly, but I think she’s 4.

BeerGal is lucky enough to have the proper uprbringing. Her parents have taught her right from wrong and she has all the basics down pat. She is courteous and proper and above all the second cutest child I’ve ever met. She’s three feet tall and makes you smile because she is such a happy child! Don’t get me wrong… she is pure evil on the inside but she covers it with the sweetest of shells.

She calls me Mr. Uncle Fungus.

So… while at Jill and Steve’s (not his real name) house after the Twins game, we polished a few beers off and watched the end of the race. Having had a few at the ballpark and a few more at the house, I found the need to make use of the facilities. While standing and aiming, I heard the handle turn and promptly called out the “whoa whoa whoa” knowing it was probably one of the two children. Having spent enough time with my own little godchild, I know that children are the reason that we have the ability to smile. You never know what’s coming out of their mouths or what they will do. You can not be mad at a child, especially if they are as adorable as the Nipper or Jill’s youngest….

The door stopped at a crack…

And the tiniest of hands reached inside…

Holding out a Budweiser.

It seems Jill had told the littlest of girls that Mr. Uncle Fungus needed a fresh one.

She is now BeerGal.

After leaving Jill and Steve’s, I proceeded to meet ‘Box at one of our watering holes to hang out with Ray Ray who knows who the greatest band of all times is. We decided to entertain the snowbirds with our brand of humor by continuing our list of non-pc drinks.

An Olga Korbut… (Jim) Beam and a (Johnny) Walker

A George Michael… Bud in the Can.

A Princess Grace… Crown on the rocks

A Sonny Bono… Bloody Mary and a Mudslide (a Bloodslide?)

An Oswald Cobblepot… Two Fingers Tequila and a Swedish Fish.

That got Ray Ray and I started onto naming baseball series’s…

Remember… attention deficit!
I gave Ray Ray the punch line and he had to come up with the joke…

Twins and Yankees…

It didn’t take long.

Hermaphrodite All Star Game?

That led to the Yogi Bear… Twins and Rangers (boo boo)

The George Jetson… Twins and Astros

The Emerald City… Twins and Rays

The Hustler… Twins and A’s

The Brigette Nielson…. Twins and Giants

Which led us to the best stripper names…

My favorite has always been….

The Minnesota Twins…

‘Box is going with Melon-y

Ray Ray is still undecided….

But you see where we’re going… right?

What do you mean “last call”? Where did the time go?

Where Are My Bunny Ears?

2008-03-04T00:50:00.002-05:00

How much do I love those spontaneous great days at the bar?

WonderTwin (my twin sister silly!) and I decided to try a day on the town at a new bar in the area. Brand new English Pub… just opened...I was betting I wouldn’t like it! After reading the draft list, I was POSITIVE I wouldn’t like it. Why is it that you can go to any bar in Europe and get a Budweiser on tap and for some reason these uppity English/Irish bars think it’s beneath them to have Bud as an option? It'll always make me shake my head.

The day started out just perfectly. Sometimes we plan functions and they just never measure up in the end. Other days we just all seem to be on the same wavelength without a single phone call.

WT and I met Eve/Eva/Paula/Patty and a new friend of hers at the English bar. We added Bruno soon afterwards. As a sheer stroke of luck we added my two favorite leprechauns after that. Karen and Mikey are friends from way back who I never get to see often enough. Karma must have brought us all together in the same place at the same time. I guess karma can be a good thing! I'm trying to stay positive.

As the experience progressed, people peeled off and others joined in. E/E/P/P and friend left and were immediately replaced by P & J, who I must say are a welcomed addition to our little group. (They will soon have superhero status, I’m sure).

The service was a little slow, but we managed to have fun anyway. There was lots to do and lots to see and discuss. All in all, I've decided that I like the bar.

I’m sure, y’all are wondering at this stage of the story…. Where O’ where is ‘Box?

He gets added to the mix soon!

We packed up our crew and decided it was time to head back to our side of the bridge. I was gonna get the handoff from WonderTwin to ‘Box. Of course this exchange would mean at least one more cold beverage for the core group that remained. We made the meeting place for the exchange at a midway point at a local outdoor backyard tiki deck which is always amongst my favorites. At this time we added the Pool Princess to the group.

Here’s where the story becomes an epic saga…

When I got there, ‘Box was sitting inside pretty much all alone. This is not normal Lunchbox behavior. His first words were, “you don’t want to go out there!” …

Apparently the deck was housing a birthday party of a rather different kind. It seems all the men were in pajamas and the women were wearing bunny tails and ears….

On the surface, that sounds right up ‘Box and my alley…

Until I got a look.

Even the inside bartender promised we’d be back. She offered to keep our tab open because she was so sure that we would return. We argued over custody of ‘Box and I told her she’d have to speak with my lawyer if she wanted to argue custody any further. I told her I'd be fair in developing joint custody but I would definitely need some support from her.

On to the outside…

Wow.

If these gals came from the Playboy mansion it must be the one in Boca. The one where everyone is on a rascal and no one has their original teeth. These were definitely ‘Olden Girls and were WELL past their prime. It was yet another surreal scene in the streets of Port Charlotte. Honestly… why do I pay for cable????

Within two minutes of entering the back deck, we were approached by a one legged man in a wheel chair screaming at us to discuss America and the war overseas. I’m all for the troops…but a drunken a-hole is a drunken a-hole! After “ignoring” him away, it was immediately replaced with a grandmother purging herself well within our range over the back railing. Mike and I went into Prince… “I only want to see you coughing up the purple rain” She was drinking red wine…. I had to go and see if I could find her teeth. After granny was done chunking up the Barney rainbow, she found her way back to her barstool and commenced to ordering some new replacement fluid and hording the extra pieces of cake left over from the party.

We eventually got joined by Jill and friend… I never hesitate to use Jill’s real name because she is so not the innocent I wish to protect.

It was such a fun night because the bathroom at the bar provides such a fun scenario… For some reason, this particular establishment has a soundtrack all it's own for the men's room. Every time I go, the selection turns out to be more and more "alternative" (for lack of a better term). My favorite from that night had to be Simply Red's "Holding Back The Years" which became "Holding Back the Ears" since by this time 'Box and I were both sporting bunny ears.

Next favorite had to be...

I am sooooo out of love and so lost without you J nay!

And we soo tricked J into believing she called Pizza Hut instead of me.

She did end up with a nice little tail and a permanent smile from the evening.

I love these gals because they know what fun is.

I need you girls to keep on leading the way! Pool Princess… E/E/P/P….Jill (ur REAL name)… J & P…

U are my superheroes!

I don’t watch soap operas… but I’m thinking you are my guiding light... or at least the Bold and the Beautiful!

Or you may just be sirens leading me towards the rocks?

Oh well... I like it on the rocks...

or straight up!

Oh wait…I forgot the rest of the bunny ears story!

DEFINITELY to be continued... with pictures...

right 'Box?

Curse of a Superhero?

2008-02-29T02:28:00.001-05:00

I’m struggling over the title…

Should it be Curse of a Superhero
or Karma
or Timing?

I think bad timing is a curse; karma is a thing of faith. If you do whatever crappy thing you want to and things work in your favor every time, you probably don’t think much about karma or timing. If you constantly do the right thing and nothing works the way it should, you think about it quite a bit.

…. and after you think about karma, it seems to eventually lead back to timing.

I’d really like some feedback on this one… I think I’m chasing my tail?

As a superhero, I HAVE to believe in karma. If I didn’t, why would I do the good deeds? I wouldn’t continue to help the downtrodden….the oppressed… the needy…. the huddled masses. I’d stop letting mom-mom go first at the four way stop. There would be chaos.

And THAT my friend… is the curse.

Are Box and I superheroes because of the curse? Are we cursed because we are superheroes? Chicken? Egg? Aren’t all comic superheroes cursed or in internal turmoil of some sort?

Lately, I have been thinking about timing and choices, as a number of my close friends are doing. Why do some people get away unscathed after doing unspeakable acts…see politicians/ Murdock Village… and some of us get burned every time on the slightest marginal decision? Why do some people not see the obvious choices right in front of them? Why do some people continue to travel down the wrong path, even though everyone around can tell them they are making a huge mistake? Why do some people just never seem to win, while others seem to win every time, even though they didn’t even pay for their ticket?

Is it karma or just bad timing… or are they just superheroes in disguise?

I don’t remember seeing them at the meetings.

The question tonight that started it all was why I don’t have a full time job….

The answer was that I can’t afford it. It seems I am the only human who gets a W-2 with a negative income. You see I have the unique ability to magically find these jobs that take all my effort while actually costing me money. Honestly, if you figure my hours in on some of these jobs and time worked, the children of China laugh at me.

Ah… the examples…

I once worked for free for two weeks helping to manage a bar, promised a job at the end of the term. Granted… it was my idea to do it for free (of course it was… (superhero)!...duh). After the two weeks and extra hours… the bar closed.

I’ve done countless catering jobs, where I’ve lost money, because I wanted the function to be successful, even though the person throwing it was not as concerned as I was.

I’ve offered to help people out of binds time after time…always successful, always not for profit, always struggling to get paid to break even at best... always ending poorly.

I’ve done literally hundreds of artwork jobs for free.

I’ve done print jobs where I’ve put up the time, the money, the art and the labor…

And lost money.

I’ll do just about anything for a free beer… that I could probably get for a dollar at happy hour.

I’ve put friends through high school, college, tech school, med school, and culinary school.

The ones that have gotten to me of late are the ones that just don’t stop and look at what they’ve gotten from me for free and have not said thank you. Not only have they not said thank you… they’ve acted as if I’ve wronged them! Now, don’t you all feel like I’m referring to you, because I’m not! Some of you DO thank me… and you are my friends…. And you keep me wearing the cape.

But some of you…. I’m a shakin’ my head again.

Think about what you got FOR FREE!!!

FREE.

Free.
Wow…

Irony…

I’m listening to Pink Floyd’s “Dogs”…. and at that sentence… the line was… “gotta admit; I’m a little bit confused; sometimes it seems to me as if I’m just being used.” Tell me that’s not irony….. or is it the curse?

But alas, back to the timing.

Maybe it’s all just timing. I listened to a conversation tonight between three single guys and two large breasted females looking to continue drinking after the bar closed. The three geniuses argued about where they were going while the two ample females swayed…and the final verdict came from the lasses, they were just going home because it was late. Now is that timing? Or karma? Or we’re they superheroes?

I don’t remember them from the meetings.

Maybe the answer comes from a very dear friend from my past. Her name was Sarah.

I will name a boat after her. It will be called the K Sera Sarah.

She died of breast cancer and she taught me that whatever will be, will be. She taught me to wear the cape. She taught me that life is ….well just life. It’s karma, it’s timing…. It’s random. It’s life. Suck it up Cindy.

I remember her from the meetings…

I’ll be funny again soon ‘Box….

I promise…

right after you put some pictures on this blog!

To the All You Can Eat Mobile!

PreHab

2008-02-24T07:23:00.003-05:00

Let’s get back to it it then.
Apparently melon collie and the infinite sadness doesn’t rate. I love Smashing Pumpkins…and the band’s not bad either.
OK, back to funny?
Yesterday Superdarlin’ put me thru the ringer! She FORCED me to help her out…
Actually, I was glad to do it. We Super Heroes have to stick together. League of Injustice? Alfredo the Butler told me to do it. My cape became an apron.
Thank you Eve/Eva/Paula/Patty for giving me the drugs to make the pain subside. Thank you Bruno for buying me the first drink to aide in that process as well. Thank you Matt…. For just being Matt.
Here’s some more insight about me… I love to cook. I do it as a hobby because if I did it for a living, I would probably hate it….and it would kill me. It makes me feel like a project manager. It has a start and a deadline and when it’s over, I always celebrate. I LOVE the thrill of the job. I think it has to do with the crazy. I worked kitchen for a while and Anthony Bourdain wrote about it perfectly in a book called Kitchen Confidential. In short, you have to be Krazy (yes darlin’ I used the K for u) to work kitchen. By working catered functions, I can remind myself of that without working kitchen. I can’t imagine going thru that hell every day. Really, only if I was side by side with J-Bo would I even consider it. Never having enlisted, it’s the closest I can imagine to war. To be successful, you have to have a military mentality and you have to have addictions. Semper Fi.
So after the function yesterday, I had to celebrate like a sailor on leave and LunchBox was kind enough to join me.
We’ve been discussing what blog will come next. There is a beauty coming about ruining songs… but not today.
There is several in the works about the perfect happy hour and there’s definitely one about Quitney aka Triple Nipple. But…
We’ve been talking about the idea of PreHab for a while now.
Insurance pays for ReHab…. Y not PreHab? ‘Box and I would be glad to teach this course and charge an exhorbitent amount of money. We could take your celebs and your athletes and give them 28 days of learning about how to drink. We could teach you how to behave in public, how to tip a bartender, how to avoid embarrassing situations, how to not get in fights, how to blend in… basically how to maintain. Every meeting we would sing Amy Winehouse’s ReHab ( No No NO!) and we would recite the 12 steps of drinking (see the blog coming soon)) and we would try to make the bar a better place.
Imagine Pre Habilitation… no more obnoxious jackasses in the bar.
Can’t you see it…. Paris, don’t order the double shot of Jager… it won’t work out for you in the end.
Brit, don’t bring the kids to the bar… I don’t care if they have a Golden Tee. (Sean Preston, let the other one play!)
Lindsey don’t wear the loose tank top without a bra… the puppies will get free…and for God’s sake… just call a cab.
PacMan try Charlie’s… it’s just as much fun but no bouncers to shoot!
Is there a reason Andy Dick’s last name is Dick?
Can I have a gene removed so I can become a Baldwin?
If these people pay Dr. Drew for rehab, wouldn’t their money be better spent paying ‘Box and I to just follow them around and say…. Ummm… bad idea?
Sweety/Dude…. No one wants to see THAT. Christ, how hard is it to just wear panties? Is everyday laundry day at Brit’s house???
Honestly… rule one.., if you have to ask yourself, do I need one more…. The answer should ALWAYS be NO NO NO.
Why can’t people just be fun? If you are miserable, just get your drink on, stop at Quickie Mart on the way home, buy a twelve pack of Milwaukee’s Best and cry it off in private Nancy….

Preview of the 12 steps of PreHab… there is NO crying at the bar…..EVER…. unless the Flyers win the Cup (wow…. I have to think about capitalizing God but I don’t think twice about hitting shift for the Cup…. Geez) Ok….

My ADD kicked in.

Let’s go in this direction… Last night ‘Box and I decided to name a few new drinks…

A Lee Harvey Oswald….. 3 shots of Jack.

A JFK Jr….. A Skky and water.

A Kennedy Momma… Bourbon and wild Irish Rose.

A Princess Di…. Crown on top of a wallbanger.

An Obi Skywalker… an alec Guiness with Skyy and Johnnie Walker.

A Natalie Holloway….”Do hers” on the rocks

Of course…. A Brittany Spears… Mad Dog and RedBull….
With a pickle. (spears…. Duh!)

A John Wayne Gacy…. “Stole he” and Lime (a bag).

A Clay Aiken… anything… but it comes in the can.

And so ends my Molsen Prison Blues!

Thanks again to all my friends who make it all worthwhile.

Just Seemed to Fit Today

2008-02-21T10:35:00.002-05:00

This one seems to work for so many of my friends right now…
And me actually.

It is the lyrics from a great songwriter… his name is Colin Hay. I bet you know him.

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow,

feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say,
be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today,
suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams,
I slew the dragon

And down this beaten path,
and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps,
once again

And you say,
just be here now
Forget about the past,
your mask is wearing thin

Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now,
my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine,
there's sure to be that call

It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean
And you say,
be still my love
Open up your heart,
let the light shine in

Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

He was the lead singer for Men at Work in the 80’s.

If you have a way to download this song… it is a beautiful acoustic version and speaks so much louder than the lyrics.

Just for the record... I'm not always funny...
sorry Lunchbox.

Super Heroes

2008-02-17T10:33:00.000-05:00

So now LunchBox is all mad at me. Apparently I have to include him in all my blogs. I guess he’s right, after all it is the adventures of beerman AND Big Mike. You’ll notice…still no pictures.
Let me start by saying, if you’re reading this it’d be nice to know who you are, so take the time to leave a comment you lazy bastard.
Anyway… LunchBox and I have decided to become superheroes. We need a little help on the names, but we are thinking of Fatman and Gobblin’. We could be known as the Titanic Duo or the Caked Crusader and the Boy Wonder Bread. We could rush off to the Fatcave (which would be the fridge)and have all kinds of neat toys in our utility suspenders, like a can opener and maybe some buy one get one free coupons.
We could have arch enemies like Salad Bar and Jenny Craig. Can’t you picture us headed for the All You Can Eat Mobile?
Do you see how my mind works now? This is what we do on a daily basis. The other day we laughed about some silly jokes we made a month before. I was scrolling through my text messages and it reminded me of some of the silly things we’ve done. For a couple weeks we decided to text each other as Brittany Spears (way back before she was LEGALLY crazy). Imagine getting a text out of the blue in the middle of the day that made you unexpectedly break into laughter. I remember my favorite was still “Sean Preston, go break your pork bank, Momma needs a RedBull” or the classic “Sean Preston, you watch the other one. Momma’s going drankin’”
So as super heroes, I’m guessing LunchBox and I would be assigned to fight depression by making people laugh. I’ll accept this mission wholeheartedly. I truly think the world is a better place when people are smiling, laughing, and being silly. There are no wars when you are giggling. Divorce is not as painful when you are not thinking about it. Funny is free and doesn’t get billed. Bottom line to me is, avoid reality. Live in my fantasy world.
Ok, maybe it doesn’t work all the time, but it is fun to visit.
The other day LunchBox and I had a long discussion about the important topic of how great it would be if South Carolina played Oregon State in any sport. Why you ask?
If you know sports, you’d know South Carolina goes by the name of Gamecocks… or ‘Cocks for short. Their gear became all the rage when they started calling themselves the ‘Cocks. Oregon State’s teams are the Beavers.
Do you see where I’m going with this?
Of course you do!
LunchBox and I already have a half dozen t-shirt ideas.
“Cocks suck!
Beavers Stink!
We also spent a solid half hour on headlines for after the game.
‘Cocks blow it early.
Beavers pounded.
The possibilities are limitless.
Pretty much every day LunchBox and I spend together involves some kind of crazy story or funny scheme. Yesterday we discussed how great it would be if everyone had thought bubbles above their heads, and then of course we went around the bar and figured what everyone’s would say. We followed that up with closed captioning a conversation between two man-hating women at the end of the bar. It still makes me laugh when I think back on it.
I’m off to prepare for the Great American Race… but if things are bad and you need the help of some superheroes, just turn on the Fat Signal.
It’s shaped like a turkey leg.
If we can’t get there, we’ll send Super darlin’….
Maybe I’ll save that for the sequel.

The Flip Side of Crazy

2008-02-15T12:02:00.000-05:00

My last blog revolved around crazy and expressly crazy women. Last night I got my share of the flip side of crazy.
I ventured out to see a friend’s band and ran into male pattern crazy head on. Honestly ladies, how do you put up with it?
I was lucky enough to have the company of Super Darlin’ (as she now wants to be called!). She’s a new friend and one that I like a lot. We share a common limitless sense of humor and had quite the interesting time to say the least. Let me preface the story that SD was dressed to the nines or as she put it “dolled up.” (Who says that???) I must admit she did look pretty darn good.
Maybe it was because it was Valentine’s Day or maybe it was a full moon, but the cast of geniuses at the bar was all-star. It started early with friendly conversation from an older gentleman who had the misfortune of being short. Now when I say short, I mean front yard holding a lantern short. Not tall enough for this ride short. He seemed nice enough, but as the night progressed he got slurry-ier and slurry-ier and clingy… more so on me than the Darlin’. At one point, she offered him a hug and he declined yet I’m pretty sure at one point when he was talking into my ear he kissed me!
Darllin’ and I had fun pointing out mock celebrities up and down the row and found a dead on Jeff Daniels from Dumb and Dumber and an even closer Salmon Rushdie. (SD had to google image him on her i-phone to believe me!) Then there was the usual cast of posers. Does the guy wearing his baseball hat slanted with a giant gold dollar sign around his neck EVER get chosen? Or does the greased hair, leather jacket, cologne wearing guy have better odds.
In the middle of the evening, the bartender informed me that the gentleman across the way had offered to buy SD and me a drink. The second time that night that complete strangers had done this. We actually had commented earlier that he looked like Dennis Miller and I’m guessing he caught us looking. He eventually worked his way over to us and said we looked like we were having a good time….
Huh?
Someone explain to me why in a crowded bar you send drinks over to a couple who look like they are having a good time? Also, while you’re explaining, how does Mr. Cologne lean over SEVERAL times to whisper in Darlin’s ear? All in all, SD got hit on by at least 5 different guys even though we were separated by less than a foot all night.
Ladies… you have my sympathy! How do you tolerate this? I asked SD and she said it was flattering.
I was caught just a-shakin’ my head.
The crowning point of my night had to be when SD left me alone at the bar and the white guy with dreadlocks who was blatantly dealing crack leaned over and out of the blue asked me, “how do you do it man?”
I said, “do what?”
“Get a girl that hot”
The answer was quick and obvious.
“I’m hung like a mule”
It mad me laugh!
At the end of the night, I told Super Darlin’ that I didn’t think I could hang out with her anymore. She was too hot for me! I’m a nice empty, quiet bar barfly who appreciates nice conversation with mom-mom- and pop-pop who are a little tipsy not trying to figure out why Mr. Cologne is pawing up what could be my date and Dennis Miller is sending us drinks while a drunk midget is feeling up my leg.
But…
After sleeping on it…
I kinda like SuperDarlin’ and it was definitely amusing. And if I didn’t hang with her again….
What would I write about?
Oh Wait… I live in the middle of the asylum.

Crazy Came to Town

2008-02-07T15:39:00.000-05:00

Some days you feel like going out and letting loose. Some times those days turn out to be fruitless. You travel from bar to bar having the same conversation with the same people that you’ve had time and time before. Beer gets bought, money spent, time wasted.
Some days you don’t want to go out, but Big Mikey talks you into it.
I didn’t really want to go out, but there was nothing on the tube. Tuesday there’s Reaper and Thursday there’s Celebrity Rehab, but Wed. there’s nothing. Turns out I forgot one of my commandments for Port Charlotte. I’ve often said in this town you really don’t need cable tv, the entertainment in town is free.
Wow, was it ever. The purpose of the evening was to deliver a rap sheet on a potential stalker to one of our treasured bartenders. Simple job… in…a beer…out… Didn’t work that way.
I’m a single guy, having done my time in the penitentiary known as marriage and been paroled. I do still on occasion like the company of women though. On this particular evening, the bartender pointed out a nice tall leggy blonde who had a boyfriend that she considered subpar. Ms. Bartender thought the gal could do so much better. I questioned M&M (our tender) about suggesting me as a potential replacement. Seems she never thinks of offering upa sales pitch in my direction or LunchBox’s since he’s single too.
The next trip to the bar for an order found M&M with the chance to offer up kind words about either I or LunchBox and Miss Blonde took the bait and ventured over talk to us. She seemed like a nice gal. Easy on the eyes, no screechy voice that only dogs could here, new to the area, no visible scars… totally worth further exploration.
And then CRAZY came to town. It got there pretty quickly. Much faster than I had expected. It came out of the blue. It came rather matter-of-factly.
It appears spirits had followed the blonde from up north and were keeping her up nights dismantling the inner workings of her bathroom facilities. M&M suggested some bizarre remedies involving sleeping in a salt circle and taking a vinegar bath….
And I couldn’t help wondering exactly how crazy got into town. Did it take the bus? A plane? Why did it feel the need to visit this particular blonde?
I constantly hear cute gals complain about no good men left in this world. Of course all those gals are attached to the wrong men and refuse to leave them. Now the flip side… all us princes (or toads waiting to be transformed) which includes LunchBox and I are stuck dealing with Crazy.

Not So Super Sunday

2008-02-04T07:57:00.000-05:00

Super Bowl Sunday. Really, what’s so Super about it? I always make it a point to leave the house as early as possible because I really can’t take the ten hours of hype. Honestly after the first hour, what is there left to talk about? Big Man and I were having a discussion with Darlin’ at the Golf course about the difference between all the pre-hype for the Super Bowl and all the pre-hype for Daytona, which I’ll sit through for hours and hours. You see Daytona has 43 DIFFERENT teams trying to win, not two. Every car has a story, especially the ones in the back. I really can’t wait to see if James Hylton will make the race this year at the young age of 73! Please, oh PLEASE hurry up and get here NASCAR.
It wasn’t an eventful Sunday, but if I don’t blog about something this page is gonna be pretty darn dull, now isn’t it? We decided to keep Darlin’ company out at the clubhouse. Kind of a good thing we did too, since it was a tad on the slow side. She wanted to impress us with her culinary skills in the wing making department. I was curious how this was going to go, since what she passes off as a kitchen is not what I would call a kitchen. Long story short, she passed with flying colors. I have to admit the chili-lime was a flavor I’d never tried before and one that I’d recommend.
Now I have to admit, I like Darlin’ cuz she’s been in every bar around here, just like Mikey and I. She’s qualified to join in the discussions involving why there are no really good bars left in town and why we have to search so hard for good bartenders in a town whose main industry is hospitality. It’s always been my dream to someday own a bar and run it the right way… yes that would mean absolutely NO NOTRE DAME fans….EVER!!! I think Darlin’ would be the kinda gal who would fit right in to my place. All these crawls and articles for the paper are hopefully setting me up to someday steal all the good people in town and run the Chucky Cheese of all bars.
We did talk Darlin into following us to Nav-A-gator for a few cold ones and a chance to say hi to Jess the elf who was my bartender of the month. Oh yes, she’d get recruited too. LunchBox and I like the Nav-A-Gator, it’s just too far out to be a regular hangout. If someone has the time, maybe you can explain to me why in a town the size of Port Charlotte, we can’t have one decent bar to hang out and have fun in? One decent sports bar where the staff and customers have the intelligence to talk sports. One bar where everybody knows your name… where a beer is waiting for you…where you don’t have to tell them what channel the game’s on. A bar where we can bet the coin flip, the over under on the anthem, and what Tom Petty’s last song will be. A bar where you can get a good pit beef sandwich without blowing the weekly budget. A bar where you can get good chili lime wings?
If anybody out there has money lying around and wants to get into the bar business, Lunchbox and I are willing to put in 23 hours a day, 7 days a week if you’ll let us make it the kind of place we’d want to hang out in. We promise to have midget night once a month where drinks are half off for anyone under 5 feet tall. We promise to have food auctions and politically incorrect drink specials. We promise to always have good music playing, which means NO jukebox. Customers are allowed to suggest music but can not be trusted to CHOOSE music. We promise to bet on anything that moves. We promise to keep a running list everyday involving some random joke. At present, we are still compiling people we would vote for BEFORE Hillary Clinton. Paris Hilton is beating out one of the American Gladiators for the top spot right now… with my personal favorite of Carol Channing close behind. We promise to be silly and playful everyday and to throw out anyone who doesn’t want to play along.
Any takers?

Songs in the Siesta Key of Life

2008-01-30T11:00:00.000-05:00

All new month, all new year, all new crawl. This month, Big Mikey and I were talked into crawling around Siesta Key. I’m an off-the-beaten-path kind of guy, so this would be a little different than what I’m used to. Traveling down a busy main street where all the bars are within walking distance should make it a little easier on us, especially with the price of gas nowadays, but I’m a little leery of the crowds and having to wait for a beverage!

That being said, let’s commence to crawlin’…

Step ½) We had to prime the pump, so stopped at Friday’s in Port Charlotte. We only had one, but it sure is good to see Ray Ray back behind the bar… honestly, that suit and tie thing was not you, dude! On to Siesta Key…

Step 1) Well, we thought we had found a great little bar right off the bat. How could we NOT stop at a place called Jiffy Lube? C’mon! It turned out to be some kind of an auto place, and they really seemed to take offense at us asking about Happy Hour specials. They did talk us into a quart and a filter, and we promised to never come back. And, in return, they sent us out to the strip and into the Siesta Key Oyster Bar. It was their grand re-opening and I really didn’t think I was going to like it much. It was a little crowded and I thought I was going to struggle to keep up my normal pace but, as luck would have it, we found the back bar. Ah yes… the back bar. I love the back bar. Those are two words that never fail to make me smile. No one ever knows about the back bar! To make it that much better, we lucked into a great little bartender as well…Amy. Another transplant from Michigan (my, we seem to get a lot of those down here) with a great smile and some beautiful eyes. She had Big Mikey and me at “Hello!” She was quick on the draw, and nice and chatty. While I was eavesdropping on her conversation, I’m pretty sure I heard her say she was a karaoke rapper… now THAT you don’t see every day. She did a great job helping us celebrate the King’s birthday, and Mike and I thought they should rename the bar “Jiffy Lube,” but they didn’t seem to share our offbeat attempt at humor. We hoisted a couple and made some friends, and enjoyed the new jet dryers in the men’s room. I talked myself out of a dozen oysters, although it would have been well worth the five bucks to see Mikey gag while I slurped them down. I do have to say Amy was the highlight of the crawl, and I want to go back just to see her. It was a great outside bar and I’ll go back again. The entertainment was good, as well as the service and the people. Go see!

Step 2) Across the street to Gilligan’s. I had been there before so knew what to expect…and it didn’t disappoint. I’ve never had a bad time there. I’ve always been there during the day so I don’t really know what the nightlife is like, but I’m betting that this place turns it up a notch at night. They have a great hidden back courtyard that is a perfect little hideaway worthy of Key West. We enjoyed our bartenders Chrissy and Jennifer immensely, and thanks to Pat for following us over from the Oyster Bar and buying us a pitcher. For future reference…I’m now making it my policy that ANYONE who buys me a pitcher, I WILL mention you in my article. C’mon, I need to get something for providing this service to y’all. Chrissy told us to stay on “the block that rocks” and pointed us to…

Step 3) The Daiquiri Deck. If you’ve ever been to Fat Tuesday’s on South Street in Philly, or the one in Key West, or the one in New Orleans, or the one in (insert city here), you know what the Daiquiri Deck is like. With a couple dozen frozen drink dispensers, it’s easy to accomplish brain freeze in a hurry. It’s also a good place to fill the void in the stomach. I recommend everything on the menu. We stayed on the block and strolled on down to…

Step 4) The Beach Club. It’s about a block down on the right. It’s a beauty of a big ole bar with somewhere between one and two million TVs. Again, it was still afternoon so I don’t know for sure, but I’m betting it gets a nice crowd at night. It was certainly big enough to handle it. We lucked into another cutie of a bartender…Kristy? I’m not sure of her name, because by this time we had toasted Elvis’ birthday quite a few times, and had almost gotten to one for every year he was alive. I do know she was another good bartender, and definitely easy on the eyes. It was time to leave the block, so Big Mikey and I waddled on down to the next stop on our excellent adventure.

Step 5) The Salty Dog. I kinda liked this one a lot. Again, we found another place with good food and good service. By this time, Mike and I were actually considering driving to Memphis and digging up the King and begging him to sing. Neither of us has been to Graceland, but it is on my list of “must do before I die.” I want to see that porcelain monkey in the Jungle Room.

Step 6) Coasters… on the way off the Key on the right-hand side, just after the bridge. This has been a favorite of mine since my buddy Ray (different Ray) talked me into it many months ago. I do so love a place with multiple bars. We worked our way to the back bar…of course… and played some NTN trivia. No shortage of boxes or worthy players at this scenic on-the-water bar. By this time, Mike had worked himself into that stage where we discuss why we hate all other humans. He’s trying to talk me into writing a book on bar “etiquette” because “people just don’t know how to drink anymore.” We’d come up with at least 30 rules by the end of our second Budweiser and Mike was starting to get his blood pressure a-risin’. My particular favorite of his is, “By the time you’re 25, you should know what you’re gonna drink and you shouldn’t have to think about what you’re gonna have.” I have to agree with that. You non-professionals are just slowing our bartenders down.

Step 6½) Home again. I have to say, I did enjoy our little crawl to Siesta Key… lots of new friends and lots of good bartenders. Amy, you are now among my favorites! I can’t wait to get back up there and do it all again. If you get the chance, visit the Key… oh…did I forget to mention that the Travel Channel ranks the beach as Florida’s Best Beach? Oh yeah… did I also forget to mention there’s a beach there? I keep forgetting that kind of stuff. I guess I’m just focused on the bars and those behind them… greatest natural resource and all.

I have to close with a hearty welcome to Aiden Kade Leary. He showed up nine weeks early, but I think he just wants to hurry up and bar crawl with his Uncle Fungus! Glad you made it here!

Hope to see y’all out there, and don’t forget the “buy us a pitcher” deal! Toodles.